Loss Of My Son - Its very long

Hi everyone.
Well I dont know if I have posted on this bit of the forum before and just needed to vent and have a little pity party for myself.
In 2005 I lost my beautiful son at 28 weeks.
I had a virus called Cytomegalovirus(sp?) and basically the virus attacked baby, causing me to not produce enough amniotic fluid for him and him having excess fluid in his stomach and abdominal region.

I fell pregnant to him when I was 18 and at that time I was in a very physically and emotionally abusive relationship. This relationship also caused a very large rift between my parents and I.
I found out I had CMV at approx. 15 weeks and they estimate I had contracted it at 9 weeks or before which is the worst time to get it.
They told me my son was sick and would probably die within the month, however he lasted so very long which kept giving me hope.
As I said, my parents and I were not in very much contact,they didnt even know I was pregnant, so I was going to all my appointments and scans alone as my partner of the time was working.
The doctor kept telling me "you can cry you know, there are women a lot older then you who come here and just cry and cry and cry" but I couldnt feel it, I think I only cried twice through the whole journey.

While my son was still alive they advised me that I should be induced because I may get sick from the placenta. I went to the labour ward alone as my partner had to work but he decided at the last minute to come with me (a lovely one wasnt me...hmm).
Just before they started me on the gel my partner kept asking questions like if my son was alive after delivery (they said there was a 50/50 chance that could happen) would they help him and they said no because he was too sick.
At the time I just wanted him to shut up and let them start me but in hindsight I'm happy because they decided not to induce me until I saw another social worker.
One night he came to my parents house drunk and abusive (this was a rare night I was there) and he hit me infront of my dad. My dad went CRAZY and we had to call the police and my mum kept telling me I had to leave him but I told her I couldnt and told her the whole story about my son and everything.

Fast forward a month on and on April 7th (Thursday) they did a scan which revealed my son had passed away, and I still didnt cry.
They decided to admit me on April 11th (Monday).
My son was born on April 12th at 2:55am and thankfully my mum was there the whole time. My stupid ex however was on the phone to another girl whilst I was contracting, like I said, he was lovely.

I havent really told this story before but as I have started to become quite serious with my new partner and we are talking about TTC I have just realised how scared I am to have another child.
I thought at 18 I was immortal and immune to any disease which could harm my unborn child but obviously not.
It just made me realise how delicate life truly is and we arent really in control..and to be honest that scares the $*&@ out of me!
I so desperately want another child, not to replace the one I lost but I feel I have so much love still trapped in my heart that no matter how hard I love my parents, my sister, my brother or my partner theres a seperate field which just wants to love, nurture and help grow.
My partner has a 4 year old daughter from a previous relationship and he has said he wants to wait to TTC but has said he would like me to have his child soon.

I get my hopes up EVERY month when I feel sore BBs, sore tummy, feeling tired and sick and then within a few days AF comes.
I've started trying to track my O days and fertile days to increase my chances but I am TERRIFIED of losing another child.

I know I am not the only one to have experienced late term loss and I am so thankful that I have a place where I can express these emotions where others can understand what Im going through.

Well I guess thats all I have to say, I'm sorry its so long it wasnt my intention but once I started I couldnt stop.
Thanks for listening/reading ladies and I appreciate any and all comments you can give me.

:grouphug:

Firstly :hug:to you. I cannot even begin to imagine what you've been through. I'm glad you've found this place, there are many women on here who have (unfortunately) had to deal with a late loss. I can't really give advice, but I'm sure you'll get advice from many others. Take care, and I hope everything goes well for you in the future.

BIG hugs...and thank you for sharing your story. It's not too long! Every word was important. I am so sorry for the death of your son. Did you name him?

All of us who have been on this journey, have found every following pregnancy very difficult. I am glad that you have the courage now to think of another one, and very happy that you are with a new partner who sounds very supportive.

The healing journey takes a long time, but I think that telling your story is a very important part of it.

Englishrose - I am so sorry to hear about your son :hug: I agree with Castle, it is not too long and I hope that writing it and getting it out of your head for once has helped a little. I am so glad, after everything you have been through, that you have found a DP that is loving and treats you with the kindness you deserve. And also to hear that you have worked things out and have your parents in your life is a wonderful thing, what would we do without our mums?

For most people the TTC journey is full of excitement and anticipation but sadly there are a few, like us, who find the journey frustrating, frightening and heartbreaking.

Unfortunately I know the pain of a late loss, my son Nicholas was born sleeping at 36w1d in September last year. My DH and I started TTC straight away, about 6 weeks after his birth. It will be 9 months on Tuesday and we are still :pray: for that miracle of pregnancy to come our way.

You have posted in the right section, there are several women here who have suffered a late loss. We are all at different stages of our journey but the support that we get from each other has been a life saver to most of us. I am sure some, if not all, of them will post a reply to you. Personally, I wouldnt get by each month without my BB friends.

If you feel ready pop into the TTC thread and introduce yourself, you will be welcomed by everyone. Here is a link: https://www.bellybelly.com.au/forums...ad.php?t=38784

Again, big :hugs: for you and your little :angel: He is up there watching over you, playing with all of our little ones.

Love Mel :)

I am so very sorry for the death of your precious little boy...
Thankyou for sharing your story - I hope it helped you... :hug:
I am happy to hear you have found a safe and nurturing relationship... You have had a truly harrowing time... Big hugs...

I am so so sorry for your loss and that you had to go through most of it alone. I am so glad that you have found a kind partner who you want to share the special gift of child together.

Grieving your child is such a difficult and heartbreaking journey. The TTC after losing a child is also very difficult. It is one filled with many emotions.

I lost my son Cooper last November at 37 weeks. We started trying again as soon as we could and 5 months later (after some medical help) I am pg. The girls in the TTC after recurrent m/c and stillbirth thread are beautiful, special people who have helped me every single day to get through each day over the past 6 months. I encourage you to join and gain the support and love that you need on this bumpy journey.

Take care :hug:

Dear Englishrose,

Im so sorry for the loss of your son. I can never truely understand your pain but I only hope you can find the wonderful women in here a help in your journey of TTC.

Never feel that any post is to long, my goodness I think some of us in here hold records! Im glad you have been able to share your story and that with this comes a sence of healing. I wish you all the very best with TTC and hope to hear that you have an earth baby to hold soon.

Take care and please join us.

Luv Nat xxx

Hi ladies,
I just want to thank each and every one of you for your beautiful comments, you seriously bought tears to my eyes:)

Castle, Yes I named my little angel. His name is Ataahua. His father is Maori and in his language it means "Beautiful" I also got this tattooed on my back with his birthdate underneath.

Lynn, Im so sorry to hear of your loss. Do you mind if I asked how it happened?
I'm so happy to hear your pregnant again and Im sending so many:stickyvibesgirl: your way. All the best for a H&H 9 months!

Mel, Im so sorry to hear of your loss. Its such a tragedy that many of the women on here have to meet and bond under such horrible circumstances but in the end it will make us all stronger, I truly believe that. I hope to hear you have gotten your miracle in the near future and that we may bond over happier circumstances.

As I said before ladies, I really appreciate all of you taking the time to read and comment on my post, thank you so much for your kind words and support. I really didnt expect such replies when I posted it I just kinda needed to vent.
I hope I can speak to you all again in the pregnancy announcements VERY soon ;)

:grouphug:

Hi EnglishRose

Sorry to hear about the loss of your little man Ataahua. Thanks for sharing your story. What a terrible experience for anyone to go through but especially since you were so young and having the relationship problems that you had at the time. I am sure it did not help. :hugs:

But by the sounds of it you are a mature, wise, strong (i can mention more but my brain can't think) person which is what these experiences make us (even more so) i guess. When i read through these posts underneath it all we all feel the same, just at different (sometimes the same) times in our journey.

Unfortunately we are the ones that are here talking about our past and future and what it will bring for us....how many people think so deeply about this ?

I wish you all the best in your TTC and hope that you like the other girls in the same situation can get UTD very soon so we can all have our babies together...there are going to be so many birthday parties to go to !

Hi English Rose

sorry to but in i have just found this thread i havent been on this thread before i didnt no it exsisted. I just wanted to say how sorry i am to hear of your little angel and the pain and upset you have gone through and i am happy to hear that you are no longer with your ex and that you have a lovely partner there to support you. it will be a yr in july since i lost my little girl brooklyn at 23 wks and i still feel the pain so much i am now considering seeing a councellor to help me as i think i seem to be stuck at this point where i dont seem to be moving on i have been trying for 8 months now and like you every month i think i have all the signs then af arrives but i hope that we all have BFP soon and i hope you feel better for telling your story.

take care of yourself
love munchy xxx