I feel the Grief will never end

I'm new here, and found this site while trying to find some answers to how to get through my grief. The stories and feelings you have all poured out onto these pages resonate into my core. My husband's and my first child was born still on March 16, 2007, 6lbs and 2.3 oz at 39 weeks. We went to our regularly scheduled prenatal, and our midwife could not find a heartbeat. From that moment on, I have moved into a surreal world where I suddenly do not understand how to live. Apparently, the cord had wrapped around Yeti's wee neck and deprived him of oxygen and blood. The hospital induced labor the next day, and I wrongly thought that the labor was the worst of the pain I would go through. We named him Yeti, because that is what we called him throughout the pregnancy and I was afraid he wouldn't know who we were talking about if we gave him another of our selected names. I think in Tibetan it means "magical creature", which is exactly what he is to us, magical.

I suppose I thought I would be feeling a bit better by now, moving on with life and feeling only some sadness. I made it through the first month in numbness and the second with the thought that it would get better. But it hasn't. If anything, it is worse than before because I have no numbness left, only raw pain. And the support around me, while still here and still appreciated, seems to think I should be getting better too. I am in such a dark, dark place. I don't care about work, or home, or much of anything. I feel guilty that others have lived through these events and worse with much more grace and strength than I can manage. My husband has been wonderful, but has reached the end of his ability to cope with my depression. He thinks I am moving away from him, withdrawing into myself. He may be right, but it isn't because I want to. I fear my own brain because it has turned against me. It is difficult to share my dark thoughts with someone who married me because I was a content, happy person.

Right now, I think that perhaps I should stop trying to cope with Yeti's death. I've been reading book after book about how to manage grief to the betterment of the soul. It doesn't seem to help. Numbness was better. Some in my family have suggested medication, and I have resisted because I wanted to plow through my grief now and be able to be an effective mother if we ever have a live child (we are trying again). But I am not sure now if it wouldn't be better to stop this decent by any means possible.

Thank you for being here and reading through my pain. I sincerely welcome any wisdom or experiences you have had, or advice or anything at all.

Dear Aunty M

Sorry to hear about you losing your precious magical baby Yeti. The pain is still so raw and that is normal - it only just happened. There are quite a few of us here who have lost babies for whatever reason and underneath we all feel the same and have felt the same way through our grieving stages. What you are feeling is normal. Trying to find "how and when do i pick myself up (and why bother)" is the hardest part.

I didn't want to be alive anymore when we lost our son - but that thought only stayed with me for a few moments. Once my friends started visiting it got me off my backside as i had to "tidy up the place" before they came, however before that i would just be lying on my bed staring at the wall. I think trying to get some normality back was a big step - i actually got off my backside to do something (although little) and knew that was a step forward.

It is a very difficult time and i can say it does get easier as time goes on (doesn't "time heal" ?). Not saying i do not cry - I DO - and i still get very angry. The first thing i said to my DH when we found out our son had died was "we can get through this and this is only going to make us closer and stronger". So far so good - although i must say we argue a bit more than we used to. We are very much alike and understand each other quite well so i think that is keeping us together. Plus we will not let somethign like this tear us apart.

I don't know about trying to stop coping with Yeti's death. How can one do that - i don't think it is something that you can escape. Just take each day as it comes and if you need to cry (even if you are out shopping or at work) JUST DO IT. Don't worry about what people think. Talk to people about it - i find this helps alot. And if you have some sort of counselling service then use it. Very helpful.

I wish you well in the coming months - they will be tough. And i also wish you the best with TTC - that is a step forward.

We are all here always - every day. So keep popping in to say hello and tell us how you are feeling. Take care

XX Tommysmum:hug:

Auntie M

I have tears running down my face as I read your story because the words you are saying I said myself not that long ago. May I say that Yeti, and the meaning is such a wonderful name. There are other women in here who have lost babies my cord accidents, and I am sure that as soon as they see your post they will pop in to offer comfort and support.

I lost my son, my first child also, at 36 weeks 2 days and I didn't see how it was possible for my life to continue. People would be talking to me and I would be in such a dark corner of my mind that their words would simply bounce of me. Nothing made sense.

It hurts really badly, this pain is worse that can be explained in words but know that you are not alone and the grief that you feel is normal. You are doing the right thing, feel what you need to feel now, because if you hide how you are feeling, it will be years down the track and it will creep up and consume you. Grief is a roller coaster, there is no rule book about how to cope with it, but we are here to help you on this journey. One thing I know for sure is that yo u shouldn't feel pressured to be better, unfortunately we will never be better, but a day will come when you find a way to continue and a way to see through this pain. I promise you, that day will come.

For about the first 4 months after I lost my son, I barely made it out of the house. My husband tried to get me out of the house, but I distinctly remember making small goals, like getting up, having a shower and getting in the car. Just getting to the end of the street and back seems like such an acomplishment. I can now function much better and I have just marked my son's 8 month birthday. My DH was the same as yours by the sounds of it, men grieve in different ways. Many of the ladies in here will same thing about their DH. Men seem to want to get back to work, get busy, that is their way of coping. But I think women greive much more openly, we need to communicate how we are feeling as part of the healing process so that is why this forum has basically saved me from losing my mind.

So please please don't put too much pressure on yourself. Take your time, Keep talking, we are all here to listen.

Big :hugs: coming your way.

Lv Spring

Aunty M - I am so sorry to read about your precious son Yeti, what a special name you gave him :hug: As the other girls have said what you are feeling is 100% normal, everytime I read of another Mummys pain from losing their child it echoes my own thoughts and feeings. Although in saying that we do all experience these emotions at a different rate and in a different way (if that makes sense).

I also lost my son, at 36w1d in September last year. I have grieved a little differently to what I have heard from most. After the loss of my son, while I didnt ignore his death and I cried every day, I through myself back into life, before his funeral I went on a shopping mission to buy him a little outfit and teddy bear to go in his coffin with him. My DH and I went to dinner and the movies alot. I went back to work after 4 weeks and I was coping fine, still crying but other than that appeared to be coping well. Everyone commented on how well I was doing. I kept my grief hidden by my determination to TTC and worried about everyone around me and what they were going through. After a while I started to get very angry at the people who felt I should be "better" now, and in alot of ways I still carry that anger around now but I am trying to let it go. As the months continued to go by I deteriorated greatly, I could barely get through a day at work without crying. That was when I could get myself out of bed. I started taking my emotions out on everyone around me, my DH, my mum. I do believe what has contributed to this is our inability to conceive. Eventually with the help of my sister I realised something was not right. I went to the dr and was told I had PND and put on anti-depressants. I felt like such a failure! But after I started these I was a new person. Although I will never be the Mel I once was, I at least started to resemble that person. I still felt the pain of losing Nicholas but I was able to cope with the pain. I have just weaned myself off the anti-depressants but I realise it is only a trial, but I am willing to give it a go because I do not want to be dependant on them long term. I was told by my dr that when I said I didnt want to be on them that PND is an imbalance of hormones and coupled with the grief it is so much more than my head can cope with. He said they will balance out the hormones allowing me to see more clearly and more logically and I have to say that they did. As I said I still have my days of depression - yesterday being one of them. But the depression is more sadness rather than "bad" thoughts if you know what I mean. I think the reason I was able to cope in those early months is because I was, as you said, numb. I felt so many things that it all just mixed together and I ended up not knowing what I felt - which is numbing.

Please dont think that I am in any way trying to tell you to go out and get some meds, I am not saying that at all. But just dont feel you are a failure or anything of the sort if it comes to this. I would not necessarily be a long term thing. I felt so ashamed of the fact I was on meds that I didnt even mention is in the TTC thread for a couple of months because I thought I would have been judged. Stupid thought though, they are the most supportive women I have known. I agree that numbness feels better than the alternative, but the problem with always feeling numb means that you are just not feeling. And if you are not feeling you cannot work through your grief, it is a long road. I am still trying to figure out how to do it 9 months later, now I just try to take each day as it comes and hope for the best.

If you feel comfortable come and join us in the TTC thread. Not everyone was TTC when they joined, in fact most werent. But you will gain so much support from us all. As Spring said, without BB I would have lost my mind. I do have a supportive family who still feel the pain of Nicholas' death but it is just somehow different to communicate with women who understand you and what you feel. If you want to post or even just lurk for a while, this is the link: https://www.bellybelly.com.au/forums...ad.php?t=39328

I am sorry this has ended up being really long and it wasnt my intention, I just wanted to put another spin on the grieving pattern. And can I say once more I am not in any way trying to encourage anti-depressants.

Huge :hugs: for you and I hope you can find the support here that I have over all of these months.

Love Mel

I recently lost my daughter, and although I honestly don't feel like doing anything, I try to make a list of daily goals. Little things, like remembering to eat and shower, take care of my pets, and maybe go for a walk.

They seem like such small things, but I always feel accomplished after achieving at least one everyday.

I don't think that the grief will ever truly end. I believe that we'll always miss and long for our lost children---that's what makes us such good mothers. That no matter what space of time passes, we'll always long for that child. Certain dates and times will always hold strong meaning with us.

We can sit and despise ourselves... and really, I have such a hard time getting past that, because out of everybody, I hate myself the most right now.

It's terrible to think of it, but through tragedy, us complete strangers are bonded. Through our pain we will try to find strength. It will never be instant, and the pain will never fully go away, but we will become stronger.

Auntie M,
I am so sorry to hear about the loss of your precious little Yeti. I lost my daughter in November last year at 33 weeks. I too was numb for the first few weeks, and then pretty much forced myself to get on with things. I spent hours on the internet, trying to find someone to tell me that I would get over this, I wanted a time frame. But of course I now know that we don't ever get over the loss of our babies, but honestly, it does get a little easier as time goes by. As the other ladies have said, do it at your own pace and just take one day at a time, it is the only way. And really, you could not have found a better support than the ladies hear, they have saved me.
Take care.

Thank you all for your comforting words, wisdom and for sharing your experiences. Your words open my heart -- in a good way. I wish that no one would have to go through this pain, but am so comforted to not be alone. I feel so lucky to have found you all and to be welcomed into this support.

I will indeed try to take each day, make small goals to get through, especially when my thoughts turn against me and against life. I made an appointment with a counselor yesterday, so perhaps that will help me even the roller-coaster out just a little bit. I need so much to keep my relationship with DH strong and alive, it is so difficult when I am so angry and hurt. But perhaps it is as you say, just arguing a bit more than we used to or a difference in how we grieve. He seems so much more strong (or perhaps just more stoic) than I can be. But this cannot be the end of us together, because it took me so long to find such a special person to live my days with.

I do indeed feel that not doing everything "on my own" would be failure -- but you each are so right that each of us must get through as best as possible. Including if that means antidepressants. It gives me hope, Mel, that you have found some comfort and do not feel numb or removed from life. I have worried that such a course would end what is "me", but I think you are right that I will never be the same m I was before anyway. Hopefully I can be someone compassionate and someone I like -- although it will take some time before I like all of the aspects of this new me. I'll talk to the counselor and be open to possibilities.

Once again, I am so heartened by all of your responses, your words are so comforting where others who mean well but don't really understand cannot provide that comfort. Just the fact that all of you find the will to go on, and even say that things get a little easier in time gives me hope. Perhaps someday I can offer some hope to someone else, but for now I will feed off of yours. Thank you and hugs and love, m

Aunti M

This sort of experience puts a strain on the stongest of realtionships, so just know that you and DH will be ok. You are now not only partners, but you are Yeti's parents and that bond will help see you thorugh.

Keep visiting hun, as you said in your post, you are not alone.

Lv Spring

Auntie M, our stories are very similar :hug: I had a routine u/s at 36w6d and was told that they couldn't find a heartbeat. When my precious son Cooper was born the next day at 37 weeks the cord was tightly around his neck twice.

The pain is so strong and even 6 months after Cooper was born, the pain so days are still unbearable. Just today has been a hard day for me. It has been raining for days here and we have been stuck inside. I said to my DH today, I am bored, but I shouldn't be. I should be feeding my baby, changing nappies, getting some sleep. I still don't understand how and why this happened to me.

Although I am pg now I actually find that my grieving for Cooper has become a lot stronger because I can remember what it is was like when I was pg with him. I just wish I could go back..........but I know I can't. If anything I can be grateful for the most beautiful 9 months that I carried my sweet boy. I loved being pg with Cooper and I don't think I will love being pg again................the innocence is lost.

Just take each day at a time and cherish the 'ok' days. Reach out to people that understand and that can support you through the darkest days. I agree with the other girls, join the TTC thread. If it wasn't for the girls in that thread, I wouldn't be where I am today. I also had counselling and while I think it helped me to speak openly and honestly about my feelings, I felt that *speaking* with the girls in the TTC helped me more.

Take care, thinking of you and your beautiful son Yeti :hug:

I have tears running down my face I am so sorry for your lost I lost my baby boy the beginning of the year I was twenty weeks. It was hard when it happen because I didn't know I was pregnant and just like you I was looking for support and found this website everyone is so friendly and supportive I try to visit the site everyday you are always welcome to come back.
:angel:baby boy twenty weeks Jan 3, 2007.

AuntyM I am so sad to hear of the loss of your son Yeti. I have not lost a child at this late stage but just want you to know I send my love and a big hug... :hug:
Set yourself small goals - reachable goals. Try and get out into the fresh air once a day. And know that Yeti is with you and always will be - not the way we want him to be but he is there... :hugs:

Lynn, I wish you peace and love with your new pregnancy. I cried when I read your words that your innocence is gone. Cooper gave you a wonderful 9 months, just as Yeti gave them to me. Hopefully your baby Hope will give you something just as wonderful and more lasting. Some days I think my mind will break with the effort I expend to try to get those days back. hugs, m