I don't know how to move forward

Hi,

I found this forum after searching the web for some answers to what I’m feeling.

My beautiful boy Oliver was born 10 April 2007 at 26 weeks- he was perfect in every way. Oliver had moved around so much that the umbilical cord had coiled and cut off his oxygen supply.

I never even knew what a stillborn baby was before we lost him.

Since my husband and I were told that they couldn't find a heartbeat our life has been one long rollercoaster ride with mostly downs. It’s been nine weeks since his birth and I'm still struggling to come to terms with the fact that he is actually gone. Every week I count down how many weeks I would be and how long until Oliver was due to be born. I know I shouldn't but I can't help myself.

My husband went back to work two weeks after Oliver was born and that's when we stopped talking about how we feel. He no longer wants to discuss what happened and just wants to move forward. He no longer cries or tries to help me cope with my feelings so I now cry in the shower and when he is at work. I feel like we have become strangers who both feel "fine". We went to a counselling session once but he didn't feel that it was any use so he doesn't want to go again. I know that I'm not coping very well and the feelings of sadness are getting stronger as it nears Oliver’s due date. My family say to me its nature’s way and that it wasn’t meant to be and to try to keep busy to take my mind off it. Try as I might no matter what I do nothing makes me forget my little boy and all the dreams I had for the future. So far I’ve sold our house, bought a block of land, started the process of building a house, planned a move interstate and a three month trip to the US and still I can’t stop crying.

My doctor wants us to start trying for another baby immediately. I’ve had a variety of medical issues that means that I don’t have the luxury of time. All through my pregnancy with Oliver I was cautious as my mother had had in excess of eight miscarriages and all my female relatives had miscarriages. But I made it through to 12 weeks and then I held back until I got the ok from the 20 week scan. Once I got through that I let my guard down and started to feel that I was finally going to have a baby and all that was left to do was wait for the due date to arrive.

Sometimes the thought of being pregnant and starting it all again knowing that everything I hoped for could be gone at an instant fills me with so much fear it makes me ill, other times I yearn for a baby more than anything else. I just wish I could make the pain go away or if not that get back in control of my feelings.

Millie Pillie

Millie, I am so sorry for the loss of your son Oliver :hug: Your story is very similar to mine. I lost my son Cooper to a cord accident. I still remember the day, like it was yesterday, when we were told they couldn't find a heartbeat. My life has been a roller-coaster for the past 6 months with a lot of downs, a few ups - which I cherish as they rarely come around.

You are in the early stages of grieving, so be kind to yourself. The pain is still so raw and you are probably still in a state of shock. The 3 weeks from when Cooper was born to his due date were extremely hard especially his due date. Surround yourself with people that care for you and who can support you through this difficult and bumpy journey. Counting down is completely normal. If you feel that this is something that you want to do, then do it.

Grieving is so difficult. There is no right and no wrong. There are so many different stages and they come in a different order for different people, but we all go through the same stages. The hardest thing for me to understand was that men and women grieve differently. It doesn't mean that one of us love our babies any less, we are just different and show our emotions differently. It is so important to recognise this and move forward, step by step, day by day, together. My husband was the same and didn't want to go to counselling. I felt like I needed to so I went. My husband would drop me off and wait for me and then I could talk to him about it afterwards. This was our way of coping. Everyone is different. Even to this day, my husband will be upset at different times to me for different reasons. Just recently, something on TV upset him and he was inconsolable for a few minutes.

People will say things to you which they think is their way of comforting you. Some things you will find insensitive. I think it is because some people just don't know what to say to us and it sometimes comes out all wrong. As I look back now, I also think that we can be very over-sensitive, but we have earnt that, we are allowed to be after what we have been through. Just remember to look after yourself and your emotions. Protect yourself.

Grieving is not something that will go away. It is something that we will do for the rest of our lives. We will never forget our angels and there will be many things that remind us of what we have lost. All their firsts that we had dreamed of seeing, first step, first word, first day of school. You have lost all the hopes and dreams that you had for Oliver and this is so hard to cope with.

Unfortunately we have now lost the innocence of pregnancy. We know that things can go wrong and that there is no 'safe time'. Only you can decide when you are ready, emotionally and physically, to try again. For me, I have fertility problems so we decided to try as soon as we could. It took 5 months and help medically and we are pg again. I was so scared to try again and I am so scared now that I am carrying another baby. The fear and emotions that fill my head are sometimes unbearable and sometimes I do feel sick with worry but like you, I yearn for a baby more than anything else. I have had a dream for the past 3 years to have a baby in my arms and I will do anything to get to my dream.

The pain does not go away, you just learn to live with it and one day you will be able to control your feelings. We are all here to support you through this journey and when you are ready to try again, we will be here for you.

For me, talking about my feelings, my fears and my concerns helped. It is good to speak with others who know how you are feeling, what you are thinking and just to let you know that you are normal.

Take care Millie. Thinking of you, your DH and little Oliver :hug:

I don't think anyone could have put it better (or more beautifully) than Lynn!

:hugs: to you Millie, your dh & precious angel Oliver!!!

Milly Pilly

Life can be so unfair. I really feel for you and your husband. I think only time can help heal the pain your are both feeling but it will never go away completely. My Mum and Dad lost my older sister when she was only a week old and I found my Mum crying on Saturday as it was the day she passed away 29 years ago so the pain will never go but will become easier to live with.

I'm thinking of you ........ good luck when you and your husband decide to try to conceive again. I hope to see you hanging around BellyBelly.

Dear Millie Pillie,

I am sooo very sorry for the loss of beautiful Oliver. It is a tragedy that no mother should have to go through. Everything you have said reflects the feelings and emotions that we all feel here after losing our precious babies and I am glad you have found this site. This is where you don't have to feel ashamed or embarrassed at what you will feel and think.

I don't think any of us know how we will go on, but every day we get out of bed (or sometimes we don't!) is one day closer to acceptance. My counsellor (who lost a 2 year old boy 18 yrs ago) told me that you never get over losing a child. We just have to live with it, with the sadness in our hearts, with the longing to hold these precious babies, with the love we will always have for them. That is why being here is so important to me. Not only are these lovely ladies a great support, they make me feel normal when I have experienced my own personal "ground zero". Nothing will be the same for me again. I am now changed because of my loss. Every day I plod through my hurt but sometimes I can skip, never forgetting my precious girl, and then I can come to an immediate stop and fall apart. It's not predictable but it is now the new 'normal' and I'm hoping it is going to get better, easier.

Personally, I recommend keeping up the counselling even if your DH won't. My DH hasn't been to a counselling session yet. He is dealing with Lucia's death in a different way. He has work and study to keep his mind busy but I can't stop thinking about her and that day. I need to talk, to rehash, to cry and cry and couselling provides that for me. For a long time I could only cry in the shower also.

I know I've rambled Millie. I just wanted you to know that unfortunately, what you are feeling, is normal. It is the rawness of grief and I would love to hear your story, if you are feeling up to it. Just jump straight in to which ever forum you want to...it's not butting in to a conversation like I used to feel it was!

All my thoughts and prayers,

Lynnette x

Millie---we must fight to move on. It's strange to think of, but Oliver wouldn't want you to stay in bed, would he? It's hard to move on... I know it. My daughter was born stillborn on the eighth of May, so I'm still going through this hell. I know what it's like to wish every second of every day that I had died, too. I'm lucky in a sense---I don't have to deal with a husband who will try to ignore the issues.

I try to think of it like this: our babies can only push so hard to get us out of bed every day---to bring new smiles to our faces, and to try to get us to function. They aren't in our arms, but that doesn't matter. The love between us will never end, and someday we'll be with them again.

I want to get pregnant again---and I know how guilty that feels, but I believe our children will understand that we need one of their siblings with us. Yes, there is a risk. Yes, there is that fear... But if we all gave up when things got tough then we'd all be dead. Please, let's keep going on strong. It's hard, but we're here. All of us. We'll get through this together.

For now, we can cry, we can scream, we can let it all out. It will never go away, and we'll never be who we once were... but we can still be beautiful things. You are a mother, Millie. There is nothing on this earth that is more beautiful or holy than that position.

Dear Millie Pillie

Sorry to hear about the loss of your son Oliver. Lynn has summed it all up for you really. It is a difficult and traumatic time that unfortunately takes time to heal (if it ever does). I must say that time does ease the pain - you still cry but you do get through it.

Unfortunately there are quite a few of us here on BB who have lost our babies but fortunately we are all here to help each other.

I think the way your DH is coping (by not talking about it and moving on) is his way of dealing with it. Men cope differently i think. But don't feel shy to express your feelings in front of him - if you need to cry then do so - it is healthy to cry and esp. in front of your DH - he needs to know how hard this is for you - then you might find he will open up a bit more and express how he is feeling really.

Don't worry about what family say either. I had people say also "everything happens for a reason" - which i agree to some point but i think that needs to be rephrased - as now i find that so harsh (as if our babies were meant to die). We know our babies died due to an incident, disease, accident etc (yeh sure that is the reason) but did they need to die?...No !

Grief is tough and it sure does challenge us 100%. But please cry when you need to - don't hold back - talk to people who listen (or just talk anyway) - get it out - i personally find it easier to cope.

We are all here for you and hope that you come back to chat and we can help you on this journey.

Take care and talk soon

XXX:hugs:

Oh Milly Pilly I am so sorry to hear about Oliver :hug: I had tears in my eyes reading your story. Lynn has answered you perfectly and I dont think there is too much I can add to her reply, other than letting you know that there are many of us here who have lost our perfect little bubs.

I too have been told things like "Its gods way" or "everything happens for a reason" and quite frankly I want to punch those people in the nose, but as Lynn said sometimes they just dont know what to say. Or I think that until you been through such a loss you just cant understand what it is like. Maybe your family are saying these things to you because they are drawing on their owns experiences of a miscarriage and feel that this is a similar situation. I think people find it hard to understand how you can miss something that in their eyes you never actually had. We know we had them though, and I think it is hard for people to understand the pain of delivering your baby and holding him in your arms and knowing that you will never see them grow. The pain is indescribable and personally I dont think I could ever experience anything more painful than losing Nicholas. Everyone can do what they like to me, they cant hurt me now. I am broken already. Although as much as I feel that weakness inside myself, I also realise how strong I can be. You must realise your strength just to have gotten through the last 9 weeks. As you said you have accomplished so much in that time, that shows your strength.

Lynn is also right that men grieve differently to women. I think that men show ALL emotions different to women and sadly it is the way they have been raised, and I think also partly in their genetic make up. I wanted to ask what state you are in? Do they have a Sids and Kids organisation in your state? I saw a psychologist twice in January and I found it to be so NOT helpful and therefore I didnt go back again. But recently I decided that I do need help, noone can do it on their own. So I decided to seek help from Sids and Kids, we had a counsellor come to our house and talk to us. And we are also attending monthly meetings (our second is tonight) and DH did come with me and he found it extremely helpful to talk to other men in his situation. There was a lady in our meeting who was there on her own and she gained as much support from everybody as we all did. So even if your husband wasnt up to going, maybe you could venture there yourself. It is scary, OMG I was terrified at our first meeting, but everyone was some welcoming because we were all there for the same reason. We had all lost our bubs and needed support. It might be worth looking into.

I also understand the fear of another baby, it is terrifying. It is a frustrating journey just conceiving and then you have to whole pregnancy or worrying every day until you hold your baby. For me, the want (and need) to have a healthy baby outweighs that fear. But the decision to have another baby is a very personal one and one that only you and your husband can make. You may feel "guilty" for wanting to TTC or even feel that you are betraying Oliver, I know I certainly felt that way for a while. Eventually I thought that Nicholas would want us to be happy, he wouldnt want to be watching over us seeing us in pain and suffering. Oliver would want his Mummy and Daddy to be happy as well, so you do what is right for you. And if and when you are ready (or before, not everyone is TTC in the beginning) join us in the TTC thread. I know that without the help of those ladies I would not have gotten through this journey, just being able to contact people who understand you if an amazing help.

Im sorry I seem to have babbled. Once again, big :hugs: for you - Oliver is with you every day.

Love Mel

Dear Milli Pilli

I am so very sorry for the loss of your beautiful son Oliver. I dont think I can say anything else to you, that both Lynn and Mel or the other girls have said, so I just hope you can find some comfort in knowing you are not alone and that there are wonderful women out there that can help you, in one way or another.

Know your angel is also not alone in Gods playground, and that all our angels will be there for him. What dosnt kill us only makes us stronger and you to will find in time that you have an inner strenght that your darling son has given to you. My thoughts and prays are with you both.:hug:

All my love Nat xxx

Dear Millie Pillie,
I am so sorry to hear about your precious Oliver. I cannot really add anything that the wonderful ladies here haven't already said, but just know that you have come to the right place for understanding and support.
take care

Hi Millie Pillie,

It is a hard journey that you are on. I'm so sorry that Oliver died.
People say things just because they feel like they need to say SOMETHING. Sometimes it is the right thing but mostly it isn't. All the girls here are right, unless you have lost a baby, you cannot imagine how it feels. The absolute devastation, the crushing loss. The way your heart feels heavy but empty at the same time...

My husand went back to work four weeks after losing our son, William. He didn't know what else to do. Men are fix it people and he couldn't fix this so he did what he knew he could and that was to work. I was angry with him. I wanted him to talk and cry with me. I wanted him to stay with me and look at Wiliiam's photos. He wanted to go inside himself, think things through, sort it out in his mind so that he could be in a better place to help me through the trauma of losing Will.
It is very different for men and women.
For us, we have carried our babies from the very beginning. We have nurtured the babe the best we could.
When a baby dies, we have guilt and wonderings and what ifs. We will always think about our angel babies and how old they would be, what they would look like, what their personalities would be like.

For the men, they are a part of something but they are also once removed. Tney don't know that connection when a baby moves inside like we do.
For my husband, when Will was born and died , it was all about those five days, nothing before and nothing after. He tried to make sense of things through the practical side of what had happened.
He busied himself in the yard, at work, doing things. He said it helped ease the pain of losing William.

I know you want your husband to open up and talk to you. It's what you need and is so understandable.
When David wasn't forth coming in conversation, I kept a journal. Sometimes I would leave it out for him to read, so he knew my feelings. Sometimes it would open things up for a conversation and sometimes it didn't but I knew he knew how I was feeling. In return I let him grieve in his own way.
He still doesn't talk about William much. He'll never bring him up or what we went through but he will help me to honour our son in whatever way I want. He is supportive in his own way.

Please know that everything you and your husband are going through is normal. All the thoughts of your pregnancy, remembering your little boy. Wishing it were different, it's all part of the journey.
Contemplating another baby was very scary for me too. I think, once you have lost a baby you don't believe in the normalcy of pregnancy. Everything is jaded.
You have to do what is right for you. You can't do something just because someone else says you should.
It's ok to be sad.
It's ok to be angry, helpless,miserable.
It's ok to wonder, worry.
It is unfair.
Be kind to yourself. The most important thing I have learnt over the last three years is to be true to yourself. If you are then you will be able to work through everything at your own pace and come through it still standing.
Squash grief down and it will be there, waiting when you are vunerable.

The biggest of hugs to you, your husband and your beautiful angel boy Oliver.

Oh Millie Pillie, I am so sorry for your loss of Oliver. I cannot add any more wisdom than that given by all of the ladies above. Just please know that my heart goes out to you and your Oliver. I wish my tears could heal us all. I can tell you that I've experienced similar emotions and pain as you have, and still am on a daily basis. I know I'll never be the same again. hugs, m

Thank you. While I would never wish the pain that I feel at losing my baby on anyone it is comforting to know that there are other women out there that understand what I’m going through. I had started to worry that I wasn’t acting as a normal person should- everyone else had gotten over the initial shock of what happened and gone back to work and started acting as if nothing had happened and I was still in this miserable place.

Having read your messages (which I had to read several times as I was crying so much) and seeing that some of your husbands acted in a similar way to mine gives me strength to try and overcome the void that has developed since we lost Oliver. I know that if he started talking abut how he felt it would help him. For the first two weeks he talked all the time about his feelings. I will try to get him to come and see a counsellor with me.

Mel1977 you put into words the guilt I was feeling about wanting to start trying for another baby. I felt like I was betraying Oliver for wanting another baby so soon. I felt like I was trying to gloss over my loss by having a replacement for him. But I see that Oliver will never be replaced in my heart, if I am lucky enough to have a baby they will be the sibling I had always planned to have.

Millie Pillie