bullies

okay
i have a few concerns about my ds who is 5 and at kinder off to school next year. first a bit of background why i am concerned. he is quite a giving child (eg a kid will come up and take something and he will generally let them have it) he does whinge to me if someone is upsetting him, like he wants me to stand up and protect him - you know tell the other kid off and let jay have what he wants. jay tends to stand back and is not the sort of kid that seems to be the leader iykwim he just blends in. anyway's my concerns have come about as a good friend has a 9yr old whose temperament is very similar to jay's, this boy is a lovely kid and you really would be proud to be a parent to him, however this does not help him at school the things that are happening to him are terrible - name calling etc etc - he generally just plays on his own now, like the other day when he suddenly got set upon my a group of kids - he was beaten up and even blacked.

i can see that jay may tend to get picked on a bit as i have always tried to bring him up to be nice, respectful and gentle (i do admit i have wrapped him in cotton wool since the death of his sister) anyway today he was really quiet after kinder i asked if something happened he said a kid hit him in the tummy for no reason, i asked him what he said and he told the boy to stop i don't like that (this is what i have told him to say in the past) but frankly i don't think this will cut it at school, bullies aren't going to listen are they. i also don't want him running off to tell the teacher - doesn't want to be seen as a dobber i suppose okay for now but not in a few years time.

anyway i told him tonight that if anything like that ever happens again to tell the person to stop right away and warn them if they don't he will hurt them back and if they continue i told him to twist their ear, i made sure he understood it was only if he was being hurt by another child and nothing he said would make them stop. do you think i have advised him wrong. to tell you the truth i think i would rather be the parent of a bully than a parent of a child that is bullied iykwim. i dread to think what is going to happen at school.

input on how to handle these sorts of situations would be invaluable to me. i don't think teachers really can do much, i mean this friend of mine's son took himself to the nurse at school and his bloody teacher didn't even realise he was missing (pvt school and 13 in the class) wtf there should be more supervision as far as i am concerned..

okay off my soapbox now.

OMG, poor little Jay! I am so sorry that he got hit in the tummy. Poor little blighter.

I really don't know what to suggest to be honest, never having been there myself (and it's a few years off!), but I hope someone else can give you some suggestions (I'd be interested to read them myself).

oohh poor little Jay, give him a hug for me.
I wish I could suggest something constructive maybe some boxing or martial arts lessons might make him more confident but then again maybe thats just teaching him that the solution to violence is more violence.

Michelle - I can completely understand why you have advised Jay the way you have. Often children that use violence (the ones that are the bullies) do it because that's their understanding of communication. They don't know how to express their anger and frustration so it manifests itself in physical/verbal violence. Mix that with an obviously passive and gentle nature like Jay's, and guess who comes of second best?
You are right - the teacher is limited as to what he/she can do about it but, I would advise that you let his teacher know about your concerns and fears. After all, teachers are only human. Whether they have a classroom of 13 or 30, it is very hard to keep track of things - even if it seems blantantly obvious to others. If something has happened at school, 90% of the time the teachers are completely unaware of it. I know with my own class I had parents come in a couple of times with concerns and I was utterly shocked that it had all been happening. The children did not come to speak to me so I was very glad that the parents were able to come to me and we could work together to sort things out. Remember, teachers are on the children's side too - they want the best for them also. I agree with you - there is not enough supervision in schools. Unfortunately there just isn't the funding to allow for all the extra staff that schools desperately need. It really sux because the people that suffer the most are the kids.

I know that in my school they have recently began a comprehensive program that deals with anger and bullying issues within schools. Hopefully other schools around the country are doing something similar. Perhaps you could inquire at the school that Jay is going to attend about what their policies are on bullying and whether they have a program to help children interpret their emotions and how to appropriately deal with them. These programs can help bullies as well as children that are a little more introverted and don't know how to go about standing up for themselves in the appropriate manner.

I would also like to reassure you. From my experience, the first term of Prep (first year of school) is such a delightful time. Often children that start off quiet and shy really come into their own and start to "come out of their shell" as they get used to the new routine. They become more independent as they get used to being away from Mum and home for longer periods of time. Children really are magnificent creatures.

I would agree with Dachlostar too - perhaps get Jay into Karate or some other self-defence type sport?
I think you are doing a magnificent job. Jay is obviously a kind-hearted, gentle little boy and that has to be testament to wonderful parenting.