Hopes Dashed in a day

I am new to this site. My husband and I have been trying for fourteen years to have children.
Recently I have not been well with continual tonsilitis, bad periods (which is usual for me) and then an unusually early period at 18 days. After a week of strange bleeding and pain that I thought was in my kidney and after discussion with a great girlfriend, my husband and I took a pregnancy test. It was positive. My husband was overwhelmed, I was in shock and scared. I knew something wasn't right.
We went to our local emergency department and was tested again. Positive. Sent for ultrasounds and blood tests our worst nightmares were confirmed. It was an ectopic pregnancy.
Within two hours of finding out for the first time ever we were pregnant, we were being admitted for surgery to remove my tiny baby.
The whole experience has been surreal. I don't know whether I conditioned myself for so long it was never going to happen or the shock has not fully sunk in. But the next morning I was in surgery.
It has been nearly three weeks now and I am still bleeding which has been a month, my body still thinks its pregnant, I am very hormonal and emotional and I feel like some pyscho who hasn't reacted or recognised I was pregnant. Is this normal? All I want to do is curl up comfortably and be a sooky na na, but because of the pain from the surgery I can't get comfortable. I feel lost and scared to ever try again. I have further tests in a few weeks to confirm all foetal tissue was removed and the cysts on my ovary have gone. My right fallopian tube was removed.
How do you ever try again? It feels like you are a failure! What if you get pregnant and it happens again? How do you ever get to enjoy the moment of glee of seeing a positive sign on the test strip?
Can anyone help? I feel like I am heartless for not reacting yet? My husband is my heart, my best friend and has been a tremendous strength. Our due date sadly would have been our 16th anniversary on Valentines Day 2008 which makes it even more emotional.

:angel: 25 June 2007

:hug:Oh Pookie, I am so sorry. My next door neighbour had an ectopic pregnancy and has gone on to have 2 healthy babies. It must be hard now and I can only imagine how you must be feeling. Please don't feel like you are a failure. :hug:

Pookie,
I am so sorry that you have suffered this loss. It must be difficult for you and your DH to absorb all that has happened, considering your history. After my m/c's my doc told me to expect hormonal changes because you've gone from being full of happy preggo hormones to nothing-- so be kind to yourself and just allow yourself to feel what you feel. I don't know much about the surgery you had but after my two d&c's I had bleeding for quite a few weeks and pretty much spotted until my next "proper" period.
Please also know that there are a number of women here on BB that have experienced ectopic preg.s that have gone on to have successful pregnancies and births. I have three friends personally that have all lost a tube and gone on to fall preg. I wish you all the best on your journey and hope that your dreams are realised in the not too distant future-- until then you will find a fabulous support network right here!! :hug: big hugs for you and your DH.
Hope xo

Pookie, I am so sorry for your loss. It is a heartbreaking time for you both. It is normal for your hormones to be all over the place and for you to be very emotional.........you just lost your baby. I too felt like a failure when I lost Cooper. I felt like I had failed him, my DH and my family. It is the hardest decision to try again and even when you do fall pg again, it will be difficult, full of fears and anxiety. I too also think, what if it happens again. These are natural thoughts for someone who has lost a baby. I'm so glad that you have the support from your husband. Lean on each other, take time to grieve and be kind to yourself. Take care :hug:

Pookie,

I am so very sorry for the loss of your angel baby. :hugs: coming your way.

The feelings you describe sound perfectly normal to me. You have dreamed of this baby for so long that you need to allow yourself time to grieve. This is not your fault, you were a perfect mumma and once you feel a little more strength, you may then find that the urge to try again creeps in. Just take your time, to grieve and to heal physically.

I have never had an ectopic pregnancy, but I do know the pain of losing a child, so know that you aren't alone and we are all here to help you through this pain.

Take care
Lv Spring

:grouphug:sending you a big hug. just take one day at a time.

Pookie, I am so sorry for you loss. You are normal for all you are currently going through, it is a terrible journey to enbark on but you will find inner strength when the initial shock wears off.

Thinking of you.

Thank you all for your wonderful replies of support. There are so many tragic stories on the BB site, but so much strength that comes from it. I didnt realise that the world had so many strong women that are beautiful beyond words.
Thank you so much.

I am so sorrry, sending lots of :hug:s.

Shazz.
xx

Im sending you all the hugs i have in me.


treelo

pookie, i am so sorry for your loss. all of your feelings are "normal" from my experience. our minds do whatever they can to get us through the shock, and it feels like a horrible rollercoaster ride that one cannot get off. i haven't lived through your pain, but i know my shock lasted about 3 months -- i grieved before that, but my mind was still protecting me from the full force for some time. hugs to you sweety. m

Thinking of you Pookie! I am so sorry :hug:

Pookie what a horrible roller coaster ride you are on at the moment. Please take the time to look after yourself and never think of yourself as a failure because you are not!! Take it one day at a time and you will know when and if you are ready to try again. I'm so sorry for your loss.

Pookie, I'm so sorry for the loss of your little bubby. It is the worst thing in the worst and you and your DH will need to help each other through. Only time can help - no words are good enough and you need to do whatever it is YOU need to get through this time.

I had my ectopic pregnancy 7 years ago, followed by 2 miscarriages. I spent weeks curled up in bed with my doona pulled over my head, not wanting to see or talk to anyone. Although I now have my beautiful girl there was no glee or excitement for me through my pregnancy with her - just terror, stress and anxiety. It is so sad that there are so many of us that don't know what I'm sure is total joy at being pregnant. You will know if/when you are ready to try again and you WILL find the strength to get through it.

Best of luck to you and your DH.