What is appropriate after loss?

Hi,

A colleague of mine and his wife lost their baby at 38 weeks a few days ago, and everyone in the office is deeply saddened by this. He hasn't called the office directly but had gotten a family friend to inform us. He's since expressed the desire not to speak to anyone for the moment.

We'd like to do something for him but we're not sure what is appropriate in the circumstances. We still do not know what happened exactly - ie whether bub was stillborn or passed away during labour. Is a card appropriate? Flowers?

Nothing will ever ease the pain of losing a baby, and we are aware that this is a sensitive and devastating situation. Would any of you have any suggestions of what we can do that can express our sympathy and sadness and to let him know that he is in our thoughts?

Cherryblossum, a thoughtful card is always appropriate, one that says what you feel and that your colleague is in your thoughts. i sent all flowers away, but i read (and have saved) each card. i re-read the most supportive cards (poems, similar experiences with death, etc.). there really is nothing more, unless the family designates an appropriate memorial or will have a public service. a friend of mine sent some books on grieving a baby's loss, but she asked if she could send them before she did. some were helpful. another close friend who had also lost a baby sent me a bracelet from a website that specializes in jewelry memorializing infants who have died.

there are many books out there that go into what is most helpful for grieving parents, and what common statements are hurtful. you could look into one if you like to do research and share what you learn with your office mates. that would help your colleague the most -- to have folks around that understand(to the extent possible) his pain and that it will continue for a long time.

your post is sensitive and compassionate, so i am sure your card will be too. i am so sorry to hear of your colleague's loss. i so wish it never had to happen to anyone else ever again. :hugs:

Cherryblossom I agree with Auntie m... a thoughtful card acknowledging their loss and expressing your support would be appropriate. I think a token of support like that just signifies that their baby's passing is significant.... that he or she mattered.

cherryblossum - so sorry to hear of your colleagues loss, i will just share what my work did in a similar situation. they sent me a beautiful heartfelt card and some long stem white oriental lillies apparently I read somewhere after the fact that the smell of them signifies the smell of angel. I would however have to agree to auntie m, probably the best thing would be a card and maybe contact sids in your state i know they have the booklets on what to say and what not to say in this situation. i have to share that on my first day back one colleague did say to me "well life goes on", as you'd be able to tell thats one of the what not to says.

One of my dearest friends lost a beautiful boy, he was still born at 40 weeks.
I found this card that a had a poem about a little star that watches them from above twinkling to let them know they are watching and will always be there.
I got this card from a newsagent.
She said this card is one of the only ones she kept, as I wasnt sad or a run of the mill sympathy card, but a beautiful symbolic card.

Hi
i am so sorry for your colleagues loss - when we lost Thomas we did not want to talk to anyone for a while, particularly at work. I felt like a complete failure to go back to work without the baby or the bump. The best thing you can do is let your colleague express their feelings to you rather than you to them.

A card and flowers are extremely thoughtful and that is all that is required at this stage. Your colleague will let you know when they are ready to talk.

You will probably never know what really happened to them and that is their decision - i returned to work and asked everyone to treat me as though nothing had happened and they did. That helped me and I am sure your colleague will tell you what will help them.

Hope that helps, sorry i rambled.
tess.

I agree.. a card would be very thoughtful. How close are you to them? Sometimes even a gift voucher for a soothing massage or relaxing facial might be a nice touch. (if you know them well enough).

Thanx very much for all your sugggestions. I'm so sorry to hear about all your losses. I've got tears in my eyes just even thinking about what it must feel like - and I simply cannot imagine the pain and heartache of losing a baby. It doesn't help that I'm 13 weeks pregnant myself, so I'm very emotional about hearing about miscarriages and stillbirths.

I'm actually the PA of this "colleague" I'm referring to (ie, he's my boss). I work closely with him, and his loss has affected me significantly. I try very hard not to cry thinking about his poor little bub who never got a chance to live.

Anyway, sorry for blabbing on...we ended up getting a "thinking of you" card and everyone in the office signed the card with their messages. The company also sent some flowers at the funeral.

My boss is due to come back next Monday, and now I'm not sure what is appropriate or not appropriate to say to him. I've read the SIDS pamphlet which was very helpful. But it's still hard to gauge whether he wants to talk about the loss or not.

Another thing is...I have to tell him that I'm pregnant soon. Should I wait for a bit before telling him? When should I tell him? How should I tell him? I'm starting to have a little bump so it probably won't be hard for him to guess. I feel so bad telling him my happy news when he's just experienced such a devastating loss.

Thanx again for all your helpful suggestions.

For me, as nice as the flowers were, and they do express peoples thoughts and feelings, but they too die and this made me feel sort of sad. I preferred a card and a donation to SIDS. One thing some of my work mates got me was a nice candle with my DD’s name on it and a poem. I also liked the flowers that came with a pot or a vase as it didn’t make me feel like they were kind of wasted. Different things for different people. Some people have also bought us plants, these are great if you like that sort of thing, but again for me I can never seam to keep them alive, so it’s not a good thing, but you can’t tell people that, you just except it with a smile. So sorry for your friends loss, I hope they can support each other well during this hard time.

cherryblossum- sounds like you are well on your way to knowing as much as you can from reading the SIDs pamphlet. i'm sure you'll know what not to say. as to whether he wants to talk about it, that is so difficult to gauge. for me, it is so much worse if people pretend like nothing happened: like my son didn't happen. but i know some others would rather not discuss. take your cues from him.

as to when/how to tell him about your pregnancy, i know it hurt me so much more to not be told of a friend's pregnancy until well after everyone else knew. i felt that i had been denied the ability to have any joy on her behalf, even though my joy was tempered by extreme sadness. i would have rather she came up to me personally, told me that she had something to say that couldn't wait but that might hurt me because of the recent loss of my son, and then explain that she is pregnant. at that point, she would have done everything she could have by warning me and recognizing my son and my loss, but yet telling me personally rather than letting it get out by gossip or visual confirmation. then i guess if she were ready for me to be sad or to cry or to be happy, she would have done everything as best she could for me. that isn't what happened, but i wish it had. good luck with your boss, and good luck with your pregnancy. it makes me smile to think of your wee one soaking up your compassion.