Break-up confusion

totally confused. I just split up wiht my partner of 3 1/2 years. We have a 1 year old son together. After everything, I know it's the right thing to do, but it still hurts. He keeps saying he doesn't want me to be with anyone else, and he still wants to be able to talk to me. I just want him to be our son's dad and just leave me aone for a while. I do still love him, but we shouldn't be together and even though that may sound weird, you just have to believe me. He used to be very violent towards me and even though he is trying to change I just can't forget the past. plus, in my heart I know that I should have left a long time ago. I just don't know what to do now. I don't really have anyone to talk to and I am just overhwelmed with it all. I am only 19. This isn't how I planned for my life to be.
Has anyone ever been in a similar situation? Please, I need some help.

hi there i am sending you a big hug, i hope you can sort things out.

It's hard when you have to leave someone you love, but sometimes you have to for your own good. I had to walk away from my husband after 11 years due to his drug addiction. It was really hard to do, but I did it. It was not how I planned my life at all, but then again living the way I had for a couple of years was not the way I had planned my life either.

I had a couple of years of being single and then I met my DF and we have set up a lovely life up together, we have our own home and we are trying to have a baby together.... all things I could not have ever imagined at the time I broke up with my ex.... I just felt really lost and didn't know where my life was going.

Your life will eventually move on and you will be happy again. I'd recommend that you spend as much time as you can with family and friends so you can start healing. You need to talk to them about the situation, if you haven't already, as talking about your problems really does help. If you don't have anyone to talk to please seek some counselling. There are domestic violence ads on TV, I'm sure if you called the number on them you would be put in touch with counsellors or support groups that would help you sort through your thoughts.

I'm older and wiser now...

...but when I was 17-18 I broke up with a violent de-facto who I had been with for 2 years. And we didn't have any children.

So its not the same as your situation - but I just want you to know that you have made the right decision for you and your son.
And it is incredibly painful to get through this time of your life - but you will get through it - and each month it will hurt a little bit less.

By letting go of your violent partner - you become a stronger person - and you gain more self respect - and demand more respect from future partners. When I left my partner - I swore I would never get involved with a violent guy again - and I never did. And as a result I have had some wonderful relationships and now have the most amazing husband. You too will find a guy who will love you and your son unconditionally. But there is no rush. You've got a huge life ahead of you. (I got married at 35 and had my first child at 37yo).

Bellybelly is a great place to be able to talk to people.
If you need some "real" people to be with, maybe you could join a mothers group or play centre, where there will be other mums with kids too. Or talk to your maternal nurse about your situation and they may be able to help you with a support group.

What to do now? One day at a time. If you don't want to talk to him right now - just say that he needs to respect your decision right now - and that you need some time and space. Now that you you have split up - he has no say in who you see or get involved in. He may not like that - but that's just something he's going to have to deal with.


Good luck with everything. And good on you for having the courage to make the tough decisions.

Hey Supa_star, without crapping on about my past, I just wanted to say that as hard as it seems, it will get easier. So hang in there. :hugs:
It sounds like you know in your heart you are doing the right thing, so be strong. It will probably be best for you and your son in the long run.
And try to remember that a leopard very rarely changes its spots.
Thinking of you, i hope you find someone to talk to up there. x

Hun, is he harrassing you? Is he still trying to be controlling?

I was 16 when I was with my X, I married him at 18 and by the age of 21 I had two children. I left him when I was 24. He was very violent and very controlling. They rarely change, he always promised not to do it again, but he always did. The lie a lot too.

The only way I could get out of his control was no contact. It took me a long time to implement this because, he wanted me to still 'be there' for him and woulnd't leave me alone. I tolerated it because I thought it was wrong to cut him off because of the kids, but so many people tried to get me away from him. It took a very bad physical altercation after I'd left him for 5 months to convince me to not have anything to do with him. He was desperately trying to regain control of me again and it got very nasty.

I never planned for my life to end up like that. I had been isolated for so long I didn't know how to cope with people, I didn't have a license, car or furniture. I lost all my possessions and I had two children on my own.

Now I'm with a wonderful man and just had another baby. I have a much better life than before and am respected, loved and never feel afraid in my house. I never thought I'd move on, I never thought I would have the confidence to face the world on my own, I never thougth I would get over what happened, but I did. It takes time and it wasn't easy, but it was worth it. If I had stayed, I know I would have ended up dead one way or the other.

It sounds like you have done the right thing and I urge you to try and get away somewhere where you can be left alone and get your head together.

Life does get better, I promise you. You've made a big step and sounds like it was the right and safe one, and that is admirable. Hang in there and vent as much as you want. You can also join the domestic violence forum here if you request it and share your story and gain support from women in your position.

:hug:

Aww sweetie, sounds like my story, except I was pregnant with my second when I finally had to end it AGAIN. It will get better, it will get easier. Time does help to lessen the anguish, though it may seem as though it doesnt. You have said that you feel that you should have left along time ago, please trust in yourself. We dont know your whole story but you do so trust in the feelings that you have. I would try to have a break for a while and try to establish a relationship for your child with his father..it does take time to establish and no doubt there will be hiccups on the way, please stay strong.

Jo

I left DS father when he was 6 months old.. I couldn't take the verbal and emotional abuse. Needless to say he hasn't taken it very well and there are times when I wish he would just disappear completely from our lives, as selfish as that is. He still likes to try to "put me in my place", even though he has moved to QLD. I thought I still loved him for a while and was tempted to beg him to come back to me. But I have realised that I broke up with him because I thought it would be best for me and DS. I can't very well be a good mother if I am constantly upset. It was after a fight that I realised I couldn't be with him anymore. I was upset and having a bit of a cry, and looked up to see DS looking at me and crying. I couldn't let him grow up in a household like that.

My ex seemed to feel the same way as yours does. He actually tried to threaten me into not finding anyone else. I ended up telling him I needed some space and wasn't going to talk to him if he was going to tell me things I didn't want to know (which I told him exactly what I wasn't interested in hearing). He took this as needing physical space which is why he moved. We still don't get on a 100%, have had weeks where I have to turn off my phone and feel like I'm hiding out because I don't want to deal with his derogatory remarks. But we are learning to deal with it. I try to send him emails where I only tell him details of what is going on with Logan, with photos when I can remember to take photos LOL. I don't go into any details of what I am upto so I don't give him anything to use against me. So in that way I am keeping him as involved as I can in Logans life.

I found the child support agency website quite helpful as they have some cds (plus fact sheets) on "Dealing With Separation" and other things, not just about child support. And have faith that you have done what you feel is right for you and your son, which is the most important thing.

Sorry to have rambled on. Best of luck.

Hi Supa-Star

I was with a guy from 23-25. He was quite angry with the world and needed some help. I tried to help him but to no avail. He drank quite a bit. Sometimes when he had been drinking and we would argue, he would physically hurt me, just a lot of pushing and shoving with much force (which still hurt like hell!).

I made the decision to leave. Now I am with the most beautiful man in the universe! It has taken me a couple more relationships to get there but I've finally made a life for myself.

We have a nice home and a little girl on the way which we are very excited about.

There is hope and support out there for you. Be with your friends and family at this time, I mean...we don't even know you and already you are receiving heaps of support in here!! How great is that!

If your ex believes he has a problem, acknowledges it and gets some help then that's a positive also. Maybe you could work through it together.

Good luck with everything.

Love and Hugs xxxx