Knowing when to go back

I am posting this in both AC and M&L areas because this is relevant to both areas.

My first ever pregnancy ended 3 weeks ago with a missed miscarriage at 8.5 weeks, and my FS has sent me away to sort my head out before we go back for another transfer.

I asked him how I would know if I was ready to start again and his only response was “You’ll just know. You’ll be thinking differently and talking differently to the way you are now”.

Well, certainly thinking and talking differently now to the way I was then, but I’m still wondering what sort of things I should be looking for in myself to know when I’m ready to start again. I’m thinking back to my first cycle were there was no transfer because of OHSS and I knew then that I wasn’t prepared to face transfer then, but waiting a cycle and then getting started on a FET, I was ready. I can’t remember what changed in that time, though.

I’ve had some suggest that I’ll be ready to go back when I’m able to face the prospect of another miscarriage, but that seems to me to be an entirely negative way of viewing things. Almost as though I would be going into the cycle expecting to lose another baby – which seems an entirely wrong way of viewing things.

And so, particularly for those people who have dealt with both loss and assisted conception, how did you know you were ready to try again? I know this is a very personal thing to discuss, and what works for one person may not work for another, but I’d be interested in getting as much perspective on this as possible from others.

BW

Dear BW, I don't think you can ever be ready to face a miscarriage. Whilst I've never been on the AC journey I have lost a baby at 11 weeks. I had to wait 2 years due to unrelated medical complications and I counted every day until I I had the special feeling of another little bub growing inside me. If you want to then try again then go ahead, there is no magic time that you have to wait, only you have to make that decision. There also is no magic moment when you will stop grieving for your lost angel baby. Sometimes the best way for you to feel better is to concentrate on the future and the future lies with your snowbubs waiting for you.

dearest BW well i just have to say in all your posts i have ever read about you journey you sound like a very strong lady who has has a tough time but you always seem to pick yourself back up and i take my hat off to you hun.i think in the latest posts you seem to be doing ok we will never get over our losses but its up to us to pick up the peices and go again which i think you sound ready to do if your talking about this stuff .i wish you all the very best with the next step of your journey and ill be following you closely:hug:

BW, I've been through AC and a m/c but not together, as you know (ie the baby we lost was conceived naturally before we started IVF).

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I’ve had some suggest that I’ll be ready to go back when I’m able to face the prospect of another miscarriage

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I don't agree with this. No one is EVER ready to face the prospect of another m/c and I think if I'd waited till I was ready for that, then I'd still be waiting!

It's hard for me to answer your question because I was in a situation where I needed to have surgery asap after we lost our bub (it had been postponed only because we found out I was prg) so I had to wait. But after my surgery I wanted to try again immediately.

I think your FS is right that you'll just know when you're ready. I think once you're ready there won't be any doubts or questions in your mind about it.

Maybe once you see Dr S in a few days that will help to sort things out in your head too?

BW,

This is a question I have asked myself after each failed attempt at IVF - My FS said the same thing to me, and I remember thinking at the time 'But how will I know?'

Of course, it just couldn't be the same for everyone.. but I remember a turning point vividly from negativity & grievance to positivity and hope.

For me, it was at the time when I started to think that I COULD achieve this dream again.
After the first attempt... and even 2nd attempt, I remember crying myself to sleep night after night thinking that there was just no way I had the strength to keep doing this over and over... and the thoughts flooded - I'm not strong enough for this, This will never happen for me, This is too hard.. etc.

My head was in this space for a little while (a different amount of time each cycle)... and then suddenly I began thinking about doing another cycle, and thinking to myself,
'You know what, I CAN do this again, and I know in my heart I can have another baby.'

Honestly, after the first cycle, I threw my hands in the air, and I cried and cried and said to DH - 'I'm not going through this again'... and I honestly believed it at the time.
After a little while, though I changed completely... and it wasn't from anything except time... One day I just woke up and starting thinking about being a mum again... and carrying a baby, and the hope crept back in.

This, for me, was my understanding of everyone saying to me "You'll just know when you're ready".
And I did know.

After each cycle, the time before I was ready again has gotten shorter... maybe I'm a little thicker skinned now ?? (God, who could ever want to say that they're USED to this? :rolleyes:) - But I'm sure you know what I mean.

The want and hope for a baby outweighed the negativity and depression in my head... and then I knew I was ready to face it again.

Don't look at it that you'll be ready to face another miscarriage again.
I don't care how resiliant anyone is - This is just not a good outlook.
You can't weigh your hopes and dreams on a thought of negativity... it doesn't work like that.

Weigh it on the fact that your body... and most importantly your mind, is able to picture that baby again.... thats when you know you're ready.... To face the hope ;)

Hope my rambling gives you a little clarity! :hugs:

Love Holly
xxx :D

Much clarity, Holly, for sure! Thank you also to Willow for sharing your thoughts.

Food for thought here - I'm just too tired (no sleep last night thanks to DH's snoring) to put a response in clear words so I won't attempt to try, but know that I have read what's been posted, appreciate the insight and will attempt to respond with coherence and clarity some time later.

BW

When my desire to have a baby outweighed my fears of losing another baby. That doesn't mean that I wasn't fearful (I was until Oscar arrived) but the desire for a chance at having a child was stronger than that fear. It was also when I felt I was strong enough to cope should the worst case scenario occur again. Around 4 months after Caitlyn was born I went back onto the clomid and Oscar was a sixth cycle conception.

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When my desire to have a baby outweighed my fears of losing another baby

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Michelle, that's the best way to put it.

I didn't really know how to say it (hence the "you'll know when you know" - sorry BW!) but that's it. When that desire is the only thing you can think about, then you're as ready as you'll ever be.

Hi BW

I just wanted to say that you are grieving and there is no time limit to the grief, for some it is quick for some it is a slow process. I know you have faith behind you and you just have to believe everyone when they say that you WILL know. Your faith will prepare you for another baby in your time, not anyone else's!!
Continue to be strong and believe in yourself and your DH to work through this time and know that there is light at the end of the tunnel.

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When my desire to have a baby outweighed my fears of losing another baby.

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Perfectly said! I felt the same way.

BW.....I have not gone through ac, but I did have a missed mc at 13 weeks in July 2002. It wasn't until May 2003 that I felt that the fear of another miscarriage was outweighed by my intense need to hold a baby in my arms. (We then bit the bullet, started TTC again and Olivia was the very happy result.)

Hugs to you.

BW - I have the most simple rule that works for me for any question of the nature of "how do I know when I am ready?"
- - - I know its time or right when I no longer have to ask the question.

I am sure this doesn't work for everyone, but it has always been true for me.

Good luck in finding the right time for you hun, I am sure it can't be easy for you after your journey.