Change in 9yo DD attitude... Could it be due to my PG?

My DD (9) was so incredibly excited when we told her she was going to be a big sister...

Now, I'm 24 weeks, her attitude seems to have changed. My due date is her birthday and she is concerned about that. She is completely emotional over everything, she hates school and makes every excuse for me to keep her at home...

Is it possible that perhaps she is not as OK with the PG as we thought. We have included her in everything from Ultrasounds to Dr visits, and both my DH and I still make sure we spend quality time with her, both on our own and as a family.

Any advice, or sharing previous experiences would be greatly appreciated.

Cheers!

Amanda

Have you been ill recently with the pregnancy at all? Or are you at the stage of going to Dr appointments more regularly?

The reason I ask is that you say she wants to stay home from school with you. Maybe she has noticed more Dr visits or you being a bit more tired etc and is worried about you, so wants to be close? I'm not sure if that sounds silly or not as I've not been in the situation.

maybe, without you even realising it, it has become too much for her - the Dr's appointments, scans etc kwim? I know it is a great way of making an older sibling feel a part of the experience, but she probably has a lot of other stuff going on in her head too. She is old enough to think about what it would be like with a baby - they cry, they take up a lot of time and that things will simply change. She probably worries about either sharing a birthday, or not having you there for her birthday if you are in hospital with the new bubs at the time, or maybe even that if baby comes before her birthday that you will be so wrapped up in the new baby to worry about her (and in no way will you be, but I'm trying to see it through the eyes of a 10yo kwim). She could be thinking about all of these things happening.

I know when my mum had my sister, I was eight and from memory I wasn't over worried about it and honestly can't even remember the early days of her being home, but then I had two younger brothers already, so that maybe why.

Have you talked to her about other things after the baby comes that don't have anything to do with the baby? I know that I talk about the baby quite a bit and don't even realise it until DH tells me to stop going on about it - it is very easy for us to get carried away, but not everyone shares our excitement kwim?

Maybe you could plan to do something with her that has nothing to do with the baby or being a big sister - take her to a beading class or to have a haircut, or other pampering done? Make her feel like she is a big girl without being a big sister.

I really hope that this has come across the right way to you, as it sounds like you have made every effort to make her feel a part of it all.

Thanks Sarah and Sherie,

Sarah, I have been a little more tired lately and there was a fear of GD, so there has been a lot more appt's and tests... She doesn't come to those... but to the Ultrasounds and every now and then, the GP visits.

Sherie, I think that's a great idea. It's all pretty much about the baby and while we are making sure there is still "just us" time, we don't speak about anything in the future without including the baby. I'll have a look at what's around and try to get involved with something that's for her.

It's just so confusing... The last thing I want is for her to feel like she is any different to us, because she's not. But I guess when you look at it as a 9 year old, it probably appears completely different. And others don't make it any better, Our families are constantly asking and talking about the baby and I suppose that would have to affect her in some way, that it's not only her anymore... Perhaps I should talk to them all too and make sure they still involve her and remember she is still there. I guess that's something I never really thought about until now...

I have an almost 9 yr old & as she watched me go through pregnancy with Indah almst 2yrs ago, she was fine & very understanding whilst I was preg with Zyon...

I actually made a point of making sure she knew she was the big girl & I needed her to help with lot's of things, I gave her extra big girl chores, like it's her job to peel veggies she also sets table everynight, she helps get nappis & bath stuff ready now for both the littlies etc!!!

I also made sure she got to have friends over during the pregnancies alot more than normal as I wanted her to know her needs, wants etc were still as important...

I dont know if any of that helps or not!???

Good Luck...

My DD (also 9) has been thriving during my pregnancy. Part of it, like Tracey says, is because I've really appealed to her sense of responsibility with helping me with things (especially since DH was away for several months). However, it's important that not all the focus is on the baby. For example, we have plans for a (minor) redecoration in DD's bedroom around the same time as we do the baby's room up. Things like new cushions, rug, some large wall stickers (bit more grown up than what she's got in there now), new funky lamp. Sort of celebrating that's she's getting older and that we enjoy that about her.

HTH.

Amanda, sorry to hear that this is confusing so much upset for both you and your DD.
My DD is 7, will be 8 in Nov, and has started the whole I don't want to go to school or wants to go but cries when I go to leave etc.. Turns out she was worried about me after my recent laparoscopy and she didn't want to leave me by myself.

My DD is quite content on being an only child, she gets upset if we talk about having another baby, so I'm concerned how she will react with the news when it (hopefully) does happen one day soon.

We have already started telling her that we will be moving her into the bigger spare room (though she is unaware it will be to make her much smaller room available for a future sibling) and that she will get to pick out color charts and colours for the room, possibly a new bed and bedside tables etc.. What marydean suggested with doing a minor redecoration to her room may be a positive for her too.

Goodluck with it all, I will be keeping an eye on here to see how things go :)

Nic

I agree with the suggestions of inclusiveness however when my DD was 9 (and my DS1 arrived) I think my daughter was going through some issues that she would have gone through even if a baby didn't enter the equation IYKWIM. I just recall it as being the start of her becoming a real drama queen and some issues at school eg locking horns with Queen Bees etc. Things are still a bit crazy 3 years later... she gets quite moody etc, but that's to be expected with hormonal changes. She rarely blames her brothers for all her "woes" it's more the fuzzy line between being an adult and a child. I think she doesn't quite know where she fits these days.... and i think this is the process that started when she was 9 and is ongoing and would have happened if the boys came along or not. I could be wrong though. Overall she is very loving towrd her brothers and I'm sure most girls in this situation would be: how fun to have a living doll to play with! ;)

Hi Amanda,

I never personally experienced it, because my little sister came 18months after me so if I did get concerned, I don't remember.

BUT my sis was 5 when bro #1 was born, and she acted as your DD is acting. My mum was pretty sick when pregnant with my bro (got ross river virus, had bro premmie at 34 weeks, and they both spent eight weeks in hosp. after an emergency c/s). Mum has always put it down to three things: fear of losing her place in the family, fear that this baby was going to take mum away from here (as in quality time, and also the possiblity of something fatal), and she also became resentful of the baby because, in her mind, it was the babies fault mum got sick, the babies fault mum had to stay in bed and not play with her etc.

Unfortunately, my parents were the opposite of you, and honestly we weren't a big part of their life during that time (kind of understandable now, but not to a 5 and 7 yo), so my sister (now 19)still has extreme resentment towards my bro (who is now 14, and has CP).

I think, you're doing the right things. I do think that its important that there are still aspects of her life that are completely hers and not permeated by the baby, if that makes sense. Even though, once the baby is born, it will become your whole world, remember that it doesn't necessarily become her whole world.

I'm not a mum (yet!), so I'm just writing from a daughter/sister perspective, but I hope this helps you all the same.

otally agree with bastheba it could be just an age thing when they hitthat age they start to change there starting to worry about what they look like and who to hang around at school like whos popular.it might be she is a bit worried about you as well i dont know have you spoke to her about it .i know when i was pg with jess they were happy at first but when i got tired and needed a rest they just couldnt get it but they kids they reallly dont understand sometimes.