Childcare and Separation Anxiety

Well, the time has come where our finances are running low and so I need to go back to work . We always planned that I would got back to work part-time around about now, but I never thought about how difficult it would be for Bonnie and I.

Bonnie has had extreme separation and stranger anxiety since she was about 2 months old (she's 7 months now). She doesn't need to be held all of the time or anything, but she refuses to be handled by anyone who isn't me or DH (and even then, she'll only tolerate DH for a couple of hours at a time). Even being looked at by other people (namely, my parents)or visiting someone else's house can send her off into hysterics.

While everyone else has sympathised with me about Bonnie's clingyness, it really doesn't bother me as much as it "should". I really love hanging out with her and almost never feel a longing to be away from her. It drove me crazy when the clingyness first started, but I guess I've gotten used to it now.

I'm really struggling with the idea of childcare. I think I've found a fantastic centre with a vacancy for us, so that's great. But I'm angsting about whether it's fair of me to put her into childcare before she's ready. Financially we've got no choice, but it still doesn't feel good.

I'm planning to attend childcare with her for the first 2 weeks before returning to work and to gradually increase my time away from her within that timeframe. Once I'm back at work, I'll then give it another 2 weeks and if she's not improving by then, then I'm going to have to find a nanny. Having a nanny will be a major financial burden but we can just scrape by for a while if need be.

I'm trying to talk myself into childcare not being a cruel option for Bonnie, there are loads of benefits for her if she can handle it - lots of other kids to look at, exposure to being looked after by people who aren't mummy, new activities and toys etc. I'm also trying to convince myself that babies are super adaptable and that childcare just may cure her separation anxiety.

Ideally, I feel like I should be at home with her for another few months. Or alternatively, that we should just start with a nanny and then progress to childcare when she's ready. However, DH feels strongly that we should at least give childcare a good go before going with the super expensive option. I dunno, I want to do the best thing by Bonnie.

By the way, I'm pretty sure that the separation anxiety goes both ways with us - I will be a puddle of tears and anxiety when I drop her off and am already planning on a number of activities that will take my mind of Bonnie for that first day away.

So, how did you guys go with childcare for your kids? Any advice for me?

Clarrie, you don't mention how old your DD is, but it sounds like she's under 12 months? Jack has been in day care since 7 months and Tom since about 8 months. I used to spend a lot of time at Jack's old day care as it was right near work and I was bfing him at lunchtimes and spending all my spare time there during the day. Personally from my experience and observations, child care is a positive thing for most kids and starting before 12 months is a good thing as they transition much more easily. The only child I've witnessed who really didn't settle in well was about 18 months when she started.

Neither of my boys were clingy, so it's not the same as you, but I can tell you that they both settled in really well right from the beginning. It was definitely harder for me than them, I was a mess but they both love day care. I think the adage "it takes a village to raise a child" has a lot of truth to it, and I think that day care can help to fill in some gaps for kids - social interaction with other kids and other adults, different toys and environment, different stimulations. I know not everyone will agree with this, but I am convinced that my boys have gained a lot from child care and they are really happy there as well.

It is great that you have 2 weeks to transition yourself and Bonnie into the change. I suggest spending some time with her, but also leaving her there for periods without you in those first weeks, so that she learns that day care is not somewhere where mummy is all the time. Start with an hour or so and build up. I think too that the more time you spend there getting to know the carers will help you a lot. And the first time you leave her, go have a coffee and cake with a friend, or a facial or something so that you are distracted. It will be really hard for you - I've been through it twice so I know. But just because it is hard on us at first doesn't mean it is the wrong thing. It might be that Bonnie doesn't settle in well, but if that happens you can cross that bridge when you come to it. It is more likely that there might be a few tears at first but that she will be just fine and love having so many new things to do.

I wish you lots of good luck. Please try not to feel guilty about this. You are not doing anything wrong, you are doing what you have to. And I think it has a very good chance of working out for the best.