Not sure how to best deal with this...

Evan is now 5. He seems to have reached another stage in his life where he needs to assert himself. Problem is I don't know how to deal with it & we end up buttin gheads big time (Like Mother, Like son in the house!). Its like a switch was flicked the day he turned 5. He has become bossy, naughty, defiant (sp?) and its doing my head in.
I think both me & DH are to blame (well we are as we are his parents after all). Dh has this idea that the way around Evans outbursts is distraction. So he will be silly & make a big game of things & usually Evans comes round & joins & all is happy again. But to me this just teaches Evan that if you carry on they way he does (believe me its pretty major when he gets in his moods!) that it just ends with Daddy making a big game of things. I on the other hand am the bad guy. I will send him to his room & will not allow him out until he can tell me why he is in trouble & then say sorry. But Evan just refuses to be a part of this, he will keep coming out & then chucks a willy when I ask him if he is ready to say sorry. This happned yesterday, in the end DH got Evan to agree to saying sorry to DH in his ear then DH told me Evan said Sorry. I don't agree with this. DH practically begged & pleaded with Evan to say sorry.Evan didn't want to, he said this several times that he didn't want to say sorry. So once again Evan has learnt that Daddy will come to his rescue & make things ok while not actually learning that this type of behaviour is not on.
I think we need to find a method that is somewhere in the middle & both stick to it. I just don't know what it is. Nothing seems to get through to Evan.

Another problem I have with Evan is Big school. He goes next year. We have just started going along to the playgroup held at the school that is for the kids who start next year. Evan wants to go but he doesn't want to be a part of the group. I know this is most likely going to change with time (this morning was only the 3rd week) but if you try & encourage him he just chucks another of his tantrums & I end up embarrising myself in front of everyone trying to get him to calm down. Today I pretty much spent 2 hours chasing the 2 boys around to bring them back to the group. Its not enjoyable, Evan wouldn't be getting anything out of it because he isn't actually participating. By the last half hour I told Evan if he wasn't going to be apart of the group then it was time to go home. I had had enough. Isla was tired, I was getting mroe & more stressed and neither Evan or Glenn where listening or doing as I asked. I probably made more of a scene then I should have but I just don't know how to deal with Evan & his new attidute.
I ended up hanging back & talking with the teacher a bit about it & she wasn't really that helpful but said she will try & focus on Evan alittle bit more so he stays interested in whats going on. Its been hard because each week Evan has been disappointed because teh 1st week it rained so the sport carnival was cancelled & I had told him all about the race the playgroup kids where going to have. So he was upset that didn't happen. The second week he was late because I was sick & DH had to come home from work to take him & again he missed out on some of the things he wanted to do. This week he has been hanging to play in the playground but they are not allowed. So as you can see its not really been a positive thing so far. Next week the teacher wil organise some time for them to use the playground & also have things out that Evan is interested in. He is very big on mechenical things, like puttin gthigs together, figuring out how things work, pulling it apart, magnectic things, science things. He isn't interested in painting & playdough etc. So I can understand him not wanting to do waht the group is doing as he just doesn't care for those things, he needs something more challanging.

I really need some help on how to keep the peace between me & him as we do butt heads. We are both stubborn. I see the error's in my ways but always in hindsight. I wont back down in the heat of the moment as I don't feel its right to let a 5 yr old "win".
What do I do? I just on want a happy family & Happy kids.

Oh Fiona. i could have written that post myself hun, the exact same thing is going on in our house with Nick :wall:
I am still trying to figure it out, but i know that making a big joke out of it makes it worse for me, my dp does the same as your dh and the next day when dp is at work, Nick thinks he can do what he wants because if i put him in his room, shout, time out, whatever, daddy will come home and save the day and make me look like a complete idiot.
I'm sorry i have no advice, just i know how you feel :hug:

Fi,

I have no experiience of this age group, but I have recently been reading "Raising Boys" by Steve Biddulph, and apparently there is a real shift in "stage" at Glens age, where they "switch on" to masculinity. Its also at this age that they "lock onto" their Dad, as apparently it is at this age that they turn to the Dad to learn "how to be a male" IYKWIM?

Anyway, I have been using some of the books suggestions to deal with my 8 year nephew whwo has been staying with us, and it is all working well.

His message is that both Mum and Dad need to be consistant, that a boy will lean toward Dad, but still very much need Mum. And that the "discipline" methods from both parents need to be conversation rather than play based, no tempers (easier said than done) and conversational ie "How do you think we could handle this situation better mate?" type of approach.

(I am not explaining it very well.......I can't lay my hands on the book at the moment either!)

So maybe one to get from the library?

We actually have a copy of the book here. DH has read it but I don't read. I started reading the book so maybe I shoul dmake the effort to pick it up again. Its funny, a few years back I actuLly had a medium tell me to read this book. Now I think I am learning why.

Ok, so I only have one child and she's 3, so I'm not really in the same boat so I'm really just guessing here, but sounds like you are dong the right thing by not backing down and DH's kinda confusing DS by being the 'nice guy'. IMO DH needs to be on the same page, so DS gets a clear message.

Could you stand by the door of his room to make sure he doesn't come out or have another punishment where you take something he really loves and put it up out of reach but so he can still see it? When he shows a positive behaviour give it back?

Maybe with the big school playgroups you could tell him you will take him to a park afterwards if he behaves. Are there any dangers at the school if he runs away from the group or would it be safe to kind of ignore the fact that he doesn't want to join in and just act like he's the one missing out and tell him everyone else will have a good time without him? Iykwim?

I can see how it would be a hard in such a public situation and big school is huge step isn't it!?

Good luck!