Trying to help

Hi ladies,
I am so sorry for your loss, it is so unfair.
Short history on me...I m/c 1/01/2003. 16 weeks and again on the 2/12/2003 at 20 weeks. When I was admitted to hospital, I had no support at all from any of the staff regarding decisions and memories that I could keep. Therefore I walked away with nothing. I had such a small time frame to try and think but not in a functioning state to do it. So I contacted the hospital where I gave birth and asked them there protocol on mc and stillbirth and they told me that there wasn't one. I am now in talks with the staff to design a somewhat "procedure" to support women in this position. If you don't mind sharing any acts of kindness or things you look back on and think strongly about I would really appreciate your help.
Thankyou
Bec

Hi Bec,

Sorry to hear of your losses. I had a m/c on 08/10/2004 and although i was 10w4d at the time i too felt as though the staff gave no support. I actually had a young midwife say to me "oh, it's nothing at this stage anyway".How rude is that.I was horrified to think that she could say such an insensitive thing at such a heartbreaking time for us.

Good on you for trying to design a " procedure". I think it's a wonderful idea. Let us know how things go.

Take care Leah :D

I think that it is a fantastic idea. I was "lucky" in a sense that i lost mone so early - just over five weeks... there was no hospitalisation, but one thing that really did upset me was the following monday when i went in to have a HcG test to ensure that it was complete the nurse made the assumption that i was looking to be pg....saying "so how late are you..? or something along those lines...

Hey Bec,

That's great that the hospital is working with you in designing a procedure. Perhaps you could get in contact with organisations like SANDS who might be able to help you out and give you some ideas.

Good luck with it!!

Bec & Leah , Aj too
I am so sorry for your loss and your treatment . It really is so unfair and heartbreaking.

I did receive some things and keepsakes last year but not enough. I was talking to my midwife friend today about this. She recently nursed her first mum with baby who has passed away in utero. She had been very supportive to me (lives 3 hrs away though) and was very sensitive to this poor mum too.

I told her I was going to do something similar with another friend of mine from a loss support group - for our local hospital to consider. Midwife friend said she would be interested seeing what we came with. A protocol for bereavement especially for any pregnancy loss.

I thing most important thing is time with your baby and for them to encourage it for our sakes. I wanted my baby with me but had only a few minutes really after her birth - Charlotte was 26weeks. They only asked me once before I went to maternity ward and our adopted son was coming in so I said not then, the DR came -then they said have a rest - then the next thing they were preparing to discharge me only 8 hours after her birth.

I also received a teddy bear from Teddylove club - but that needs to be at the hospital.

~Handprints & footprints ( I only got footprints lucky to get these)

~Photos of baby dressed or wrapped as a baby would be.

~Private room away from main maternity ward - and sign on door ( not stating it loudly but a special code to advise all staff of pregnancy loss-
I went back for a curette but haemorrhaged so stayed overnight in maternity and was right near main desk - a cleaner said something about baby to me or visitors coming in soon - so upsetting).

~Someone to offer to call SIDs & Kids /Sands etc so they can offer immediate telephone or personal support and memory ideas - as you said you walked away with nothing - that breaks my heart for your loss even more.

~Memory boxes
~quilts
~angel size clothes to keep separately -whatever program the hospital has - Nepean has a set for baby to wear and one for parents to keep.

~Name arm bands /tags (even if not worn by baby)

~Baby name card - and weights/measurements etc.

~My friend today said her hospital had a flow chart - of questions/ items - to be ticked off - asked if want baby in room or .... ,
did family want to see baby ...
had photos been taken ?
social worker /Chaplain ?
I didn't get full list but I will ask her for a copy.
so everyone knew where the mum was up to - if you know what I mean - they didn't keep asking same questions and everything was covered.

There are just so many things - Sids & kids ?Sands should really do a survey of members and report responses to hospitals.

Even with m/c there has to be more awareness that we all grieve deeply .All the hopes and dreams for future are wrapped up in our tiny babies no matter what gestation . They are not

:

---

oh, it's nothing at this stage anyway.

---

That is the saddest thing I have heard.
Let me know what you come up with there are other memory ideas listed
on sticky thread above.

I wish you all the best.

edited to add - yes I agree we are not in a functioning state at the time of our loss and afterwards it is too late to make memories and we live in regret at the things we wished we had asked for rest of our life.

Hi Ladies

Sorry about your losses.. I had a loss myself.. twins last month..

Renner: I am sorry for your loss.. i can so understand when you say that you would have no support from staff.. i had no support from the time i rang the hospital when in labour 3 hours before arriving hospital. Good luck with the prcedures.

Westy: Please tell me you were not at JH or NPH, i was at both and NPH would fit the mannerism of what you said about young midwife and yes that was rude, the same thing and more was said to me.

AJ: OMG!!! how insensitive and rude.

Angel: Who/where is SANDS??

baby~amore: Hi matey. Hope you well... i am also working on a procedure to put to our local hospital... That was a part of the meeting... :eat: how were your pancakes.. hope your stomach has settled.. cant wait to see specialist about gall...

Lots of angel hugs
Chris

Chris
SANDS is Stillbirth and Neonatal Death - in NSw they joined with Sids & Kids

I am interested too in what you work out with JH I think afew of us could give them many things to consider in dealing with baby / pregnancy loss.

I had a missed mc on 19.07.02, & as such had to go into hospital for a D&C, at Calvary in Adelaide.

The nurses/midwives were fantastic. One of them, when I came to after the op, came in and I was crying silent tears and she didn't say a word, but simply help me and hugged me for ages. I shall never forget her kindness.

Of a more practical nature, she also gave me heaps of info re SANDS and The Bonnie Babes foundation, as well as a list of things that me and DH could do to help ease the pain, including things like planting a tree and creating a memory box.

hey Baby~amore,

I will let you know..

Hey Lucy,

Sorry to hear about your loss.

They should have more nurses like the one that helped you, that is so comforting in time in need.

Lots of angel hugs
Chris

I am sorry for your loss Lucy

I agree with Chris, Lucy she was one very special nurse - maybe she had an experience herself.

I was induced because Charlotte had already passed away.
In my experience most did treat me sensitively and with care but not 'delivery' night shift midwife - had another nurse from Maternity ward not arrived when she did - my Dh & I would have been alone - MW was too busy , didn't give me pain relief when I needed it most (1.5 hrs later) and was not to be seen most of shift. She didn't believe me that Charlotte was coming. Another midwife delivered Charlotte as she came back into the room

Then left me alone after the birth and told me to have a shower (just not long after pethidine). I almost collapsed in shower. She did not bring my baby back to me after they took her from the room. I had no idea what they HAD to do or what they were doing (4.30 -5am) and I was too in shock to ask- I wasn't functioning. MY Dh had to go home (long story but DS was going on school camp) so I was all alone.

I knew she was busy but I felt totally neglected.I cannot turn back time to have with my daughter that I robbed of because of her neglect. It grieves me that my baby was probably left somewhere in another room when I could have had her with me and made precious memories.

Baby~amore

So sorry to hear about you being lonely, I was lonely up until just after 1st baby birth and then DH turned up. After they were born, it still didnt seem real.. I was in shock.. lost alot of blood and then kept asking me to have shower.. i near told 'em to get.... your right that you could have spent more quality time with her and precious memories.. poor thing you must be suffering alot of guilt... u/stand when you say you were in shock, i didnt even think about where they were... nothing seemed real at the time.. i let DH do all my thinking and talking...

Re: my email to you, i getting discomfort now on other side.. thinks PCOS..

Re:Lucy post
I was thinking the same about the nurse, but forgot to type it in my last post (she may have had an experience).