After 9 years....

I have decided to tell my story of my m/c I had 9yrs ago. This is something that has been on my mind for a while and I have just never brought myself to tell the story. I still often think of my little man and what he would be like that he'd be xx yrs old now I want to write this down for some reason. I am not looking for sympathy really, this happened a long time ago now, but I think telling people who know how it feels will...I don't know what really!! So here goes, this could be long...

Ok well, I was only 19 and very niave...I didn't actually find out that I was pg until I was 9wks when my now DH- then (new boy friend) asked me if af had arrived yet. I didn't ever take any notice of when it came and as far as I knew I couldn't be pg so I wasn't worried. I said no why? He told me that a few weeks before we had burst a condom (!!!) and that he was worried I was pg. I had no idea as he hadn't told me at the time, and he wasn't aware of the morning after pill...so he thought he'd play it by ear. SO we went out and got a pg test and low and behold it was positive. I had no idea what to do as I said I was incredibly niave, so I went to the dr and she told me I would have to have a blood test and then a dating scan since I had no idea about my cycle.
My DH and I had only been together for about 5mths, and at the time my DH was going away alot for work and had a 3mth block coming up to go to New Zealand. He went away the week we found out I was 9wks pg. We decided that we would have the baby. He went away and left me to deal with telling my mother! Thankfully his parents were in Qld and he only really called them once a month. My mother was pretty shocked to say the least, but soon came around to the idea she was to be a grandmother.
At about 11wks I started spotting and having a few cramps here and there. I went to the dr and I had another scan to check everythign was ok adn it was so I just put it down to one of those things and got on with it. I spotted and cramped on and off for the next few weeks and I couldn't shake the feeling that there was something wrong. I felt the baby move by about 17wks but after the first few days it stopped. I dreamt of my little angel one night and now I think he was saying good bye. I had a really busy time at tafe and I wasn't really coping with the stress so I deferred my course.
By 19wks I was still spotting but the dr had said not to worry about it. I went in for my 20wks scan and they wouldn't tell me anything and told me to go straight to my gp. I went and was absolutely petrified and he said those horrible words 'I'm sorry your baby didn't make it, it looks like it is about 18wks gestation'. I went home in tears absolutely mortified that this had happened.
When I walked in the door my mum knew right away. I was told to go to the emergency dept at hospital for a d&c that afternoon. I did and they put me in the materninty ward with a mother who was 28wks pg and having early contractions. I could hear all of the new babies crying and I was so scared. I had never been really sick a day in my life and never been into hospital. Nothing much was explained to me and I was in too much shock to ask questions. My DH was uncontactable, so I hadn't been able to tell him what was going on.
I had to birth my baby because it was too big for a d&c. My mum managed to get into contact with my DH and he got home that night. He was upset about the whole situation, but more so that he couldn't be with me from when I first found out. They inserted gels and put me on the drip. I gave birth to my silent angel at midnight that night amidst the cries of the other newborns in the ward. My DH had a look at him and said good bye, but I couldn't bring myself to look at him. THis is something I still regret. I was so uncontrollably upset and I cried all night even though I had had sleeping pills, I couldn't sleep.I did not have a d&c because the dr believed I had birthed all of the 'products'.
I came home and was unsure about what to do now that our bubba was gone, just as I was getting used to the idea of being a mum. I started looking for a job since I had deferred my tafe course.A few weeks later we found out that the dr's could find no reason for my m/c and that the baby was a boy.
A month after my d&c I was still feeling quite yuck, but put it down to being a bit depressed. I was still bleeding and cramping a little though I didn't know that wasn't really normal, as noone had told me what to expect. It was my 20th birthday and my DH was away again this time for 3months. He called me for my birthday and told him I was feeling really off colour. I had had a family dinner and felt quite out of it.
That night I went to bed and dreamt of my little angel for the second time. In the morning I had bad cramps in my tummy and got up to have a shower and go to the dr. Everyone was out and I had the house to myself. I got into the shower and all of a sudden all of this blood started to pour out of me. I tried and tried to wash it away, but it just wouldn't stop. I got out of the shower and cleaned myself up as well as I could and got dressed. But this time I was really woozy and still bleeding. I went to the lounge room to try to call my mum, but her mobile was off. I tried my friend but there was no answer. I went to look for my brother's number but as I was going to my bedroom I passed out. I was lucky that my brother came over that day because I had severly haemorraged and noone would have been home until that afternoon.
My brother called an ambulance and I remember nothing until 2days later when I woke up to my DH's face looking at me. Apparently there were still pieces of my placenta inside me which caused me to haemmorage. I had lost more than half my blood and was extremely sick. I had a d&c and reacted badly to the anaesthetic and took ages to wake from it. The dr was scared that I'd not wake up. I was really sick for a long time from the blood loss. I was depressed for a while too. My DH (obviously) stood by me through all of this and we are so much stronger for it.
If you have made it this far, thankyou for reading my story. As i have said I did not write this for any other reason than for my own release.

:hugs: I have no words but sorry...

I hope you find what you were looking for.

awww kellie..i am so sorry you had to go through such an incredibly traumatic time :hugs:..
I wish I could give you a hug right now..

kellie thanks for sharing your story.i'm so sorry you had to go through that, and you were so young you must've been so scared. i'm so happy that you and your dh are still together and that you have little lily..

Wow Kellie, what an amazingly strong person you are. First to have dealt with so much, especially when you were so young. Then to have perservered with bfing through so many difficulties. I am in awe of you for your strength and courage. Thank you for sharing your story. I hope it has brought you some release. And I am sure that it will help others. Big hugs to you.

Thankyou all for your kind words. Yes it was a very traumatic time for us. I was very young and niave. Thankyou for the cyberhugs :) . I grew up pretty quickly after that. I do feel better for having told my story, and for having remembered my angel, not that he's forgotten ever. And yes DH and I do have our beautiful little monkey Lily now who is the light of our lives, as well as each other and the strength in our relationship that only such sadness and pain can bring. Again thankyou all.

Kelliee,
I too send you huge hugs, I went through a similar pregnancy and can tell by your recollection that every detail is still so fresh in your mind even thou years and a healthy bub has come along. Lily is a beautiful baby who I am sure is looked over by your little angel man.
Bec
I too regret no seeing my little one but hold abit of solace that DH did