must... stay off bellybelly!

Warning... long streaming ramble of many topic changes...

So, over the last week, i sat down and thought, ok, let's get educated on everything i don't yet know, or remember and let's get me feeling confident about the rest of my pregnancy.
And i've done that, i got addicted to spending so much time here on BB, I've read my 'what to expect when you're expecting book' inside out, and for jokes watched the 'pregnancy for dummies' video until i could quote line for line... Alright so that's an exaggeration, but i still feel so lost, and scared.
I've spent most of yesterday and today, just trailing over all the forums and blogs, reading everyone's stories and experiences, the trials and tribulations... Whilst enlightening, heartwarming and making me want the next five months to get the hell out of the way so i can hold little precious bubs in my arms, it's making me so terrified!
I'm sure today's an off-colour day for me emotionally, mostly because it started out in tears because there was no milk left, and maybe, just maybe this feeling of dread, will ease up and move on, but it's just whoa, ohmygosh how the hell am i ever going to do this, mindblowing.
...and then i think, uh-oh what's going to happen when i've been in labour for six hours and start screaming 'i don't wanna do it anymore' (ahh, mum's favourite tease on me, as that's what she said during my birth)...
I guess starting at the ante-natal clinic next week will be good, maybe she'll be able to send me in the right direction of young mothers groups, and the like so i can try and feel a little more settled. Maybe the extra support from the midwife herself will help, instead of relying on either mum, 100kms away, or my DF to understand how i'm feeling. I guess i should look into trying to find a way for DF to have a bit of a play with a bub. Maybe my aunty will let me babysit for a few hours. DF has never even held a newborn before, so i'm nervous of how he's going to react!
I also was very depressed from about week nine to sixteen of my pregnancy, and am starting to worry how i'll cope with a baby, i adore them, and i want this baby, i want to give it all the love and affection in the world, i just don't trust my own anxiety at the moment, and am starting to fear post-natal depression.
I've always been very precious about body-related matters, so i'm already not looking forward to the birth, i started thinking about maybe getting a birth attendant today. I know i'd feel more comfortable having someone else that i'd spoken with there with me. I think there's only so much support DF and my midwife can offer me, and i think a birth attendant would be really good for me to talk to and so on and so forth.
Starting to wonder if mum's going to want to be there with me, i really really don't want her to be, and am feeling nervous about telling her that already. Mind you i shouldn't stress, it's going to be an effort for her to make it to the hospital with the boys and newborn twins to worry about, so i should probably stop stressing.
I'm not quite sure what it is i'm afraid of, i just know that i am, and maybe it's just built up anxiety. Maybe it's the anxiety making me unable to sleep, and maybe its the lack of sleep making me worry...
Hmmmm....

Thanks for listening!
Love Ashlea :bellyrubs:

First of all congratulations on your pregnancy! Secondly - calm down! Easy to say I know, but sometimes there is information overload when you are pregnant - you want to do your best for you, your DF and of course your bubby, but there is sooo much information out there, so many different stories and opinions that its easy to get anxious about it.
I would suggest you take a few days break of "baby/labour" research and relax! Read a book not related to pregnancy or babies, cruise the general chatter forums instead, get a pedicure or something else for yourself.

It sounds like you want to be informed as possible which is great but give yourself some time to process everything you are learning, and remember you are coming up to half way so you have plenty of time to think things over and even to change your mind a million times (pregnant womens perojitive SP?that looks weird!)

Your body is made to carry a baby and to birth a baby, you are doing all your research and you will make the right decisions for you when the time comes. I too was nervous and scared about actually having this baby, but when the time came I was so ready to meet this little person!
Good luck with it all and take a break!!

Hi Ashlea.

Firstly, :hugs:

Okay, here's the good news. You're going to be just fine. As someone who spent most of her 20's with severe anxiety and depression and came out the other side of it just fine (with a beautiful baby boy in my arms), I know where you're coming from. I completely understand how your mind is racing with one thought of dread after the other. I used to do that too, till I was told this...

Worry about the things you can change and forget about the things you can't.

Every womans experience during pregnancy and labour is her own and one can be vastly different to the other. So, reading everyone elses experiences really will give you no indication of what yours will be like, but I will tell you this. How terrible you imagine labour to be in your mind... is nothing like what it's like in real life. It's not as bad as you imagine. I am someone how cannot deal with pain at all! And I came through it no worries. In fact, two hours after, I was already talking about having the next baby. Just remember, no-one expects you to be a hero, so if you want pain relief, then take it. You wouldn't go to the dentist and have your tooth pulled out without some pain relief would you?

If you don't want your Mum there when the baby is born, then don't. But, having said that, I had my Mum there for support and it was great. DH's job was to rub my back and my Mum's job was to hold my hands and talk me through each contraction. Actually, they were a really great team. My Dad even ended in there with us... didn't plan that, but it was good. I was laying there, with my legs still in stirrups, being stitched up and my Dad is rubbing my arm, blubbering, telling me how proud he was of me. :rolleyes: Dignity??? What is that??? LOL :lol: My point is... have there who you want. Since your Mum has been through it all before, it's probably not a bad idea to have someone in there that knows the ropes.

PND - If you think this is something that may become an issue, then speak to your GP now and tell him/her your concerns. Remember, it's not anything to be ashamed or embarrassed about. AND... it's not permanent, it will pass.

BellyBelly is a great support network too. And there's the parenting helpline which is 24 hour support.

I hope that puts your mind at ease a little.

Celsie. xoxox

Thanks Tan and Celsie,
I'm know i'm just in a terrible mindspin of yes, one dreaded thought after the other, and its one big ball of overreacting, but i thought if i got it out in the open and had a bit of a ramble it might make me feel a bit better. That and the kind words that everyone here on BB offers is a really great support.
So thank you ladies for your kind words, and i'll keep all that i mind, and try and calm down!

Absolutely! Posting and getting it off your mind is really good for you. It's good for your baby too. Happy Mum, happy baby. :)

If you need someone to talk to, I'd be more than happy. srasche@bigpond.com

:hugs:

Celsie. xoxox

Ashlea, When I found out I was pregnant I was stressing too. The only time I vomited during pregnancy was when I found out I was pregnant. My face dropped with fear, and I had no close family who had current knowledge of pregnancy.

When I stress I plan things out so I feel more confident. I also watch discovery health on pay TV which has a show on labour and another on taking home baby. They would help first time mums heaps.

You will be fine.

Oh bless you!!! You sound just like me when I fell pregnant at 19!!! If there was anything I didn't like that I read, I cried!!!!!!!!!! Stressed over everything!!!

Now, if you don't want your mum there then don't!!! Explain to her that you feel that way at the moment, your not sure what you will be like in labor but you will call for her if you need her, maybe she can wait at your house or somewhere near the hospital so she is available, reassure her she will get regular updates and that you love her heaps and is isn't personal. My mum was at my first birth but I didn't want her at my second, she really wanted to be there but I just went 'off' the idea and wanted myself and my DH present and she was fine with it!!

Well I think if you are thinking about a Birth Attendant, you would definitely benefit from it, it may help you relax and enjoy your pregnancy if you have someone to bounce ideas off. I must admit that I am biased as I am training to be a Doula (birth attendant), they cant tell you what to do, but they can give you the information and the confidence to make the decisions for yourself about what is best for you, your partner and your baby, they can help you have the birth you want, they are there only for you and your partner to support you before, during and after labor. Where are you located? If money is an issue then look at having a Student Doula, they often offer their service for free or a reduced rate, that is what I am doing now.

Take a deep breath it is normal to have a billion thoughts running through your head, it will just happen in the end, remember it is a natural part of life and there is no right or wrong way to give birth!!;)

Hope this helps!!:)

Meagan

ashlea, i did thefreak out too!!!!
i dont have a huge support network here inmelb, just me, DH and in laws and a friend or two....

all the info will freak you out as it did me, i am not that much older than you and still have days where im scared witless!!!

just wanted to give you a hug and say hope youre feeling better!!!

lisa

Hey all,
Thanks for your patient, calming and kind words, i know i'm obviously freaking out too much! :grouphug:

2 please - Yeah i know i'm overthinking everything way too much, and on a good day, i am positive i will be fine, it's just the days that everything gets to me that it's not, and they've been fairly prevalent lately!!! I at least am thankful for my aunties who have only recently had chn and my mum whose pg as well, because without their knowledge and support, the first few months would have been a darn lot tougher.

Meagan - I know! It's horrible, i got to a point where i'd open a book read three lines and spend the next hour in tears!!!! And yet, i couldn't stop, it was the most disastrous scene. Thankfully DF stuck by and looked out for me, and if i was on the brink of being upset he'd take the book away, of course then i'd just cry at how pathetic i was! ;) It's all very strange and as i'm normally a fairly together, calm person, i think that the emotions has been the hardest thing to deal with. But, i am getting there, slowly, but surely!

Lisa - Thanks also, i know not having a lot of people around has been another big step to overcome for me, originally i wanted to stay in meblourne to have 'jellybean' but realised moving back to geelong to be close to mum was probably the best thing for me. Unfortunately at the moment, whilst i do have *some* really understanding and supportive friends that have stuck by me, it's been difficult with those that haven't. The young age issue, whilst it's always playing in the back of my mind, my mum had me at eighteen (and look at her now, still having babies, due two weeks before me) so i try and see it positively as possible! I am terrified of it, but at the same time i don't think it's my age i'm worried about, i'm confident i can care for a baby, it's just moreso the age of the friends around me. I know that i had friends that think i'm messed up for even considering to keep the baby. DF's best girl friend is fiercely independent and out for herself and has the world against me now, because apparently 'im not as strong as her' (for not wanting to have an a/b). So i'm slowly learning to stay strong and rely on the support of the people who are offering it freely!

IMO i htink you should ignore that girl who thinks you were not strong enough to have the a/b!! it takes a stronger person to bring a baby into the world!!
my mum has my brother at your age and me 2 years later so i dont hink the age thats the issue, its your mindset! if youre confident you can have this baby to hell with everyone else that thinks you cant!! youll be a great mum and havign your mum due near you you will have somebody who wil be going thru the same things as you and can relate at exactly the same time!! plus she can give you heaps of pointers!!
i have always been told by my grandfather that true friends will stick with you no matter what happens in life, if anybody leaves you then they are not true friends!! cherish the ones that cherish you.

stay strong and healthy!!

lisa

I dont think people need to stop reading - because with knowledge comes power and confidence. At first it can be daunting, but there are many great resources out there and experiences are something that help you make better decisions about your own birth. BellyBelly is a great place to start; it's owned and run by a very busy birth attendant (i.e. attending births frequently) and the forums contain many doulas, midwives and experts who have your best interests at heart. I try to make it an empowering and informative place to be without commerical interests....

Check out our reading list here: Recommended Reading For Conception to Parenthood and pick out some good books from there to read. They are fantastic confidence boosters which will help you make up your own mind. Many unsatisfying and bad experiences come out of lack or control or involvement in the birth process; study shows in those cases you are more likely to have PND and low satisfaction of birth. So dont let your doctor take control of your experience because you feel you dont know better and they do - with learning, comes confidence to make your own decisions and feel satisfied knowing its the best for you. Good luck!

Thanks Kelly, I do believe that being informed is going to help me make better decisions, and whilst it has lead to a few bad days, i do understand that what i really need to learn is what days i can pick up a book and which days i can't. And the days that may not have been a good choice, i'm going to fight through them anyway. I was reading the information on your birth attendance page, and i think that your confidence and knowledge of your body, and wanting to waterbirth your next child at home is incredibly empowering.
Being able to communicate with so many women, mothers, and experts here on BellyBelly, has really opened up my eyes to things that i could never have learnt only from my mother, or from any book. Thanks for the link, the first book i was given from my MIL was Sheila Kitzinger's BIRTH BOOK, which was published way back in the early 1980's! So i do look forward to perusing a few more of her texts.

I'm getting to the stage where i'm looking forward to be able to plan what i want, getting over my dislike for going to the doctor has been the largest step to overcome, so i am grateful that there have been other resources for me to learn from along the way.