Some advice from the ladies?

I posted this thread in another area, but thought by putting it here too I may get more replies.
My GF and I are expecting in May, and she has some pretty intense anxiety. I want to help her, but I'm always aftraid of saying the wrong thing. I have a tendency to make anxious people worse as I often voice and expose fears by trying to verbally relate to or understand them. My question is, my GF is very anxious about childbirth and especially getting an episiotomy. She has already had two kids and done it with and without one. Sometimes her anxiety is so intense it engulfs her thoughts completely. It's times like this that I don't want to say the wrong thing, but saying nothing makes it worse and seems like I don't care or understand at all. Some advice would be greatly appreciated!!!

Hey Daryx

it is really thoughtful of you to post for your GF...she is lucky to have you :)

many women who have experienced traumatic birth (and yes a vaginal birth can be just as traumatic as a c/s) do experience some degree of anxiety with subsequent pregnancies. Unfortunatley if this anxiety is not addressed in pregnancy it can set up for another disappointing birth experience....I am referring to the fear - tension - pain syndrome

a woman in labor feels anxious, releasing adrenaline (which reduces blood flow to the uterus, and reduces the levels of oxytocin and endorphins)...this leads to tension which increases adrenaline levels, decreasing further oxytocin (hormone essential for contractions) and endorphins (natural pain relief) and also reduces blood flow to the uterus (as this is not an essential organ) causing the baby to suffer from lack of oxygen and the uterus struggling to work without its power source (oxytocin and oxygen)

all in all this can lead to a painful experience, that may or may not lead to medical intervention or 'failure to progress' and a c/s

I believe it is really important to address fears of childbirth, and previous experiences. Many women find HpnoBirthing very beneficial as it works on the principles of addressing your fears, and understanding your coping mechanisms so a laboring woman is able to 'let go' in labor and birth, and allow the birth process to be an enjoyable experience

In regards to her fears concerning episiotomy or tearing as a general guide
1/3 of women tear
1/3 of women have an episiotomy
1/3 have an intact perineum

with a perineum that has previously torn it is more likely that the area will again tear, simply as the tissue is weakened. Perineal massage can be benefical to help with reducing tissue trauma, as it increases blood flow to the muscle promoting muscle elasticity. Perineal massage is also very beneficial for many women as it gets them 'down there' and sometimes identifying with our own body parts gives us more ownership and more awareness of this area.

there is also a birth breathing technique that is useful in creating perineal and pelvic floor awareness to reduce the liklihood of tearing...birth breathing
practise by sitting on the toilet (such as when you are doing a wee) and visualise the pelvic floor softening and releasing...as women we are all taught how to hold our pelvic floor, and taught to do our pelvic floors, but no one seems to say ok when you birth your baby it is important to relax your pelvic floor to facilitate the birth of your baby

I hope this helps...sometimes the best thing to do is not say anything but just hug :)

good luck

xx yogababy

Thanks for the advice. Sometimes I just wish I could take on some of the pain and fear instead, it doesn't seem fair that one person should have to bear the brunt of it. I've been opening up more and just being honest about why I am silent, but I think that the right kind of comfort can't really come from me, as it is a blatantly obvious truth that I can't truly understand. You're right when you say sometimes a hug can be the best thing to do.

It may be helpful for you and your GF to read the Hypnobirthing link on this website or Google it to learn how to approach the fear of pain, process it and deal with it. There are books, CDs and classes in many places that train you to accept and cope with pain and fear. Can I also recommend either of 2 books I know of. I read one called Ina May's Guide to Birth and there is another called Spiritual Midwifery by Ina May Gaskin also. She talks a lot about you approach to birth and how to have a calm, beautiful birth free of fear. If you can't get them, there is another book called A Labour of Love by Gabrielle Targett with a similiar theme- using the body and hormones in the way that nature designed them to work in birth. She has a website where you can order her books and Cds from as well. Google her name or the name of her book.
You have plenty of time to prepare and you are a thoughtful person!

Sorry- I misdirected you a bit. The hypnobirthing on this site is under Labour and Birth, then the homebirth, waterbirth and Lotus birth thread. You may have to scroll through a few pages to find messages relating to hypnobirthing but they are worthwhile and interesting!

Hi Daryx.

I was adamant that I did not want an episiotomy - my DH agreed to my having one without anyone asking my consent or even informing me what was going on to MY body. I am STILL upset about this. It STILL hurts, almost nine months on. And guess what? I'm more likely to tear or need a cut next time. Thanks! (Yup, really bitter!)

Promise your girlfriend that you will under no circumstance agree to her having an episiotomy, it has to be her decision. Stick to this promise. That would have made a world of difference to me.

You are taking on some of the pain and fear for her merely by coming in here to find some further advice and understanding.
I think it's a good thing that you open up about why you are silent. It's much better than just being silent iykwim?

Being a birth partner, and making her feel safe that you will do the best for her you can ..........and plenty of hugs and chocolate!