You don't know what you've got til it's gone

I found out that I was pregnant on Sept 13--my first. I woke up that morning with a complete certainty that I was pregnant and was not surprised in the least when the two preg tests that I took came out positive. My husband and I were over the moon as I had only gone of the pill in July and had not expected things to go so quickly. Within days I named my baby "the peanut" and my husband would lovingly rub my belly and tell us both how much he loved us.
Last week on tuesday I came home from work and found blood after I peed. This frightened me, but I went to the old trusty "What to expect when you're expecting" and found out that this was common for many women. I thought that I was about 8 weeks along so still quite early.
The next day I found more blood but still not a lot. This however brought my anxiety up another notch so I went to Emergency--I work at a hospital--and spent the next 10 hours sitting around and not getting any answers. I was told that I was indeed pregnant and that my cervix was closed so I might just be spotting like a lot of women do. I returned the next day for an Ultrasound. I was told that there was no detectable heartbeat but that my blood tests indicated that I might only be just over 5 weeks along which would be consisitent with the u/s. After waiting through the whole weekend I just got back my second blood test result and the Hgf has not doubled but only gone up minimally. I am still spotting but have not really experiencedany cramping or pains. I go to see my Dr. this afternoon to confirm that I have miscarried.
I am so sad and angry. Only a few people know that I was pregnant and they keep telling me to take a deep breath and try to stay calm. That makes me angrier!!!! I just want to scream at the world and cry deep wrenching sobs and get all snotty and pitiful. I want to feel sorry for myself and wallow in my own pain. I had all these great plans for the future but they are all just.....well I have a hard time thinking beyond the present right now. I am terrified that I will never be able to have a baby again and I just want to hide in my bed and never come out.

Psychobear, I'm so sorry for your loss. :hug: It's a pain that all too many of us have experienced.

One thing I learned when I went through mine - if you try to deny how you feel, if you try to bottle it all up inside and pretend it's ok - it just makes things worse.

So, for now, wallow in despair. Cry, scream, get angry... The time to pick yourself up and be positive again comes later, when you are ready for it, not when your friends and family think you should be ready for it.

It does get easier in time, I promise.

BW

Psycobear,

I am so sorry for your loss. You need to take time to grieve your loss, so like BW says, take time to cry kick and scream. You need to get it out or you will just bottle it up and feel worse. It will take time to feel better. Talk to your partener (though in my opinion and experience they never truely undersatnd how you feel) have big hugs and a cry together. The fear of not getting pg is pretty common I think. I certainly felt it after my losses. But it happened for me and now I have a beautiful bouncing bundle of joy! Take time to let your little one go, take things easy. {{((BIG HUGS))}}

Psychobear I'm sorry for your loss. Be gentle with yourself as you heal. Big :hug:

Im so sorry for you loss hun, please be kind to yourself and let it all out.

hugs
treelo

I am so sorry for the loss of your little one... :hugs: Butterfly has given some wonderful advice. Just let thsoe emotions wash over you - feel them and let them go, let them back in if they need to but just feel whatever comes to you. This is a truly difficult time and one that will stay with you always. I am glad you have found Belly Belly - sadly there are many here who understand some of what yo9u are feeling. Big big hugs... :hug:

My heart goes out to you, I have been in those shoes (wondered where they got to). kidding aside it can be very hard so take care of you, if you want to cry, screem and get all snotty well go ahead and do it, let it all out. You will feel better afterwards. Even though the roller coaster ride your on can be long I hope yours is a short one and you will soon see another BFP soon. :hug:

Take care
Chris

Psychobear - I'm so so sorry for your loss - I too know how hard it was to tell my friends - just because I'd told them and two days later I m/c'ed :( :hugs: So sorry again

Psychobear...I am so very sorry for your loss.I know only too well what your going through as we all do here.Remember that you're not alone and the future will hold great happiness for you:pray:...that's how life goes I'm afraid.One minute we're up the next we're down. My advice is go with your emotions,don't be afraid to feel and get it all out of your system...but give yourself time and be kind to yourself.Rest easy love....it will get better.

Heaps of hugs,
Claire

I am so sorry for your loss - do whatever you need to do and if that is screaming and crying then do it. Take time to grieve :hug:

i am so sorry for your loss. the others have summed up so well -- allow yourself to grieve and to wallow and to get all snotty. keeping it in will do you no good, and probably the opposite. big hugs.

I am so sorry for your loss, i really am.
As I was reading through your post you said you wanted to wallow in your own pain but couldnt. I was thinking that yes you can, if you want, maybe it's just what you need. But the other ladies beat me to it to say that. So I can only agree with what they all say. Take the time you need to deal with this huge loss the way YOU want to.
I also wanted to say that there is no reason why you can't go on to concieve again and have a healthy pregnancy. Although it is probably the last thing you want to think about right now. Are there any support groups/networks in your area you could access?

I too have felt your pain sweetheart, and I'm so sad for you.:hug: Just take each day as it comes right now, don't expect yourself to heal right away. People will probably say the wrong thing and annoy or upset you, just let it go as they usually mean well . Thinking of you and wishing you all the best for the future:goodluck:

I am so sorry for your loss psychobear. Cry and scream as much as you need to. If hiding under the doona for a day is what you need then go for it. Please be kind to yourself and take care.

My dr told me on monday that although my hcg has only gone up a little bit and that it could be normal for me. He says that I just have to take a serial reading of my hcg level and then figure out if I have miscarried based on that. I had a blood test done that day and will get another on thursday to see where we are at. I am still spotting/bleeding. It is sometimes dark coloured and sometimes bright red. It still isn't soaking through pads and I have some lower back discomfort but not really cramping per se. My question is to those who have gone through this how much bleeding is still "normal" and how long can it last in viable pregnancies? So far it has been going on for almost a week. I think I have researched this subject to death and can never find any decent answers. I am just so mentally drained from the wait to find out what is happening to my body/baby. I understand that everyone is individual but I am just looking for some anecdotal information from those of you who have been there.
PS. All you women who have gone through this multiple times must have the strength and spirit of a warrior. It is the hardest thing I have ever dealt with and I have gone through a few traumas in my time

Hi Psychobear, firstly hugs to you and i hope this pans out for the best.
I had a similar experience at 8 weeks but not as much bleeding, i had the cramps and light bleeding (only when i wiped) for about a week. My doctor said it was really important to rest and keep pretty much still. So i did that i layed quietly on my couch for a whole week dreading a bad outcome. and luckily my levels went up and the cramping/bleeding went away.... i cant say i know how you personally feel or that my situation is the same as yours. But i really hope your little one sticks and you are ok.
I totally agree with you about the other women who have had this happen once or numerous times are such warriors and must be really strong my thoughts are with you.
Much love and hugs to you

Sally
I totally

HUn i just wanted to pop in and say that i am praying for your little one to hang on and hope that you get through this and you are still rpegnant. Good luck and my thoughts are with you.

I read your story and threads and curious how it all turned out? My prayers are with you.