1 year on

I rejoined this forum tonight as i neede a place to put in words how I feel today. I year ago to the day I started bleeding heavily after experienceing light stomach cramps during the day. I was 10 weeks pregnant at the time. I had never been pregnant before, and at 35 was absouluely beside myself with joy that we had fallen pregnant without a great deal of effort. That short time of knowing i was to be a mum was amazing, and with complete naievety i believed that nothing could go wrong. We planned a future based on our baby, we chose names, we considered colours, and footbal teams, and even who they would take after.I was amazed at how I could feel so tired and so elated at the same time.

and I know I will never feel that way again. The loss of that pregnancy was devistating. It stunned me, but being the creatures that we are, as humans we tried again, only to miscarry a second pregnancy in febuary at 8 weeks.
Serious grief set in, family histories of long forgotten miscarriages were dredged up by well meaning relatives, only serving to fuel my feelings of inadequacy as a woman. My husband tip toeing around me.

Waiting to see the 'fertility specialist' marking time,,,,waiting, waiting to find that there is nothing wrong...except for something called protien C which may, or may not be the cause of my inability to carry a pregnancy.

More blood tests, more waiting, more f.ing specialists.
My husband still tip toeing around me.

And now its a year later, still no child, still no pregnacy, still my husband doesnt know what to say to make his wife 'better'.

and all I want is my children. who knew it was so hard? I certainly had no idea.
no more than my children i want my innocence back, I want to believe that good things happen, I want to believe that a man and a woman who love each other have a family together, I want to belive that being a mother is something that will happen in my life.

I am so sorry to ramble and blab, but i needed to tonight, and i am hoping I will sleep better because of it.

hi glimmer I have just recently suffered a loss and so in that retrospect I can completely understand how you feel losing a baby that is truly hard and ive been told that the firsts of everything are the hardest, being the first anniversary(sorry sounds bad should'nt call it an anniversary)first xmas etc.I have no idea how it would feel to suffer a loss without having children and I could only imagine that it would just add to the pain and suffering you have indured.I'm so sorry for what you have been through and heres hoping this nxt yr will be kind on yourself and your husband.I don't know what to say that could ease your pain, please take care of yourself and do whatever it is you need to do to make yourself feel better.Scream ,cry ,yell just let it all out I have learnt these past 2 wks that that truly helps.I wish you the best of luck and am sending you baby dust , take care.

wow why does life have to be so hard, fingers grossed

Hi there glimmerI have a tip toing husband too. And we have had numerous attempts to bring home a baby, and very nearly succeeded once, :( He tries so hard to do the right things to make me feel better- and still try to be ok himself. You know what- i do beleive that when a man and a woman love eachother they should be able to make a baby and i am sure that you will be a magnificent mother one day- as will i. I have a few medical issues and we are trying again now- (day 33 of 32 day cycle Neg test this morning :( ) and i dont know for sure if it will happen- but i pray and i hope and i try to beleive that the world could just not be so cruel.Good luck dear, i am sorry for your losses, and one tip- keep venting your anger and saddness and let it out bacuase that which we hold in only harms us. It sounds like you have a loving husband and i wish you both all the best!!Luv StarBrightxoxo

Glimmer,

I'm so sorry you have had to endure losses.

It is so tough to deal with loss. Especially when noone else knows what you are thinking or how to help you. No one knows what your babies meant to you and how important they were except you. Anything can set you off and your thought are always jumping around. Well that's how I felt anyway.
Have you thought of councelling (sp)? I never really thought of it until in hindsight, I realised that I would have benefitted greatly from it. Particularly couples councelling. My DH had no idea of what I was going through and I had no idea of how to tell him. I felt really alone, even though he tried his hardest to be supportive. His being supportive often just upset me more. Having someone to help us communicate would have helped us alot, and even if it was jsut me who had the councelling it would have been easier.
Take things one day at a time. Look after yourself. I wish you and your DH all the very best in your journey.

Glimmer - I know how you feel. I have had two miscarriages within the last 12 months. We too have been told that they can't find a cause. So confusing. I can't helping thinking about the baby that 'should' be 5 months old now or the pregnancy that I 'should' be almost half way through now. It's devastating and each day is a challenge, and at times it takes all of my courage even just to get out of bed. When I was pregnant would wake each day knowing that little person was in my tummy - absolutely amazing feeling - it was like the sun was shining brighter, and the sky was the prettiest shade of blue. I think the important thing to remember is that we loved our babies even though we never met them. And just because we didn't get to meet our babies doesn't mean we didn't love them any less than we would have if we'd got to meet them. Everyone has their own way of coping, I planted two Magnolia trees in our front yard for our little angel babies. As I watch them grow I feel like every bloom is giving me back the strength to face each day an the strength to try again.

I changed my daily routine a bit just so things felt different, even just shopping at a different supermarket seemed to help. I was feeling like everytime I turned around there was a constant reminder about when I was pregnant or what our plans were when I was pregnant. I even got rid of some of my old clothes that were reminding me of when I was pregnant - especially the clothes I wore to the hosp for D&C. Was also a good excuse for a bit of retail therapy.

Don't set yourself deadlines of when you want to be pregnant again because they will only add to your list of 'sad dates' as I call them.

As for our husbands understanding us - I'm still working on that one too. Sometimes words just don't do enough - I am so sorry to hear of your loss. I don't expect what I've written will make you feel better but sometimes having someone to relate to is comforting in itself.

Take care, try not to be too hard on yourself. Sorry my post is so long. I sincerely hope you hold a precious baby in your arms soon.