I feel like I'm going crazy!

At the moment I feel like I am going totally crazy!

I had a m/c around 3 weeks ago which hit me harder than I thought it would, the fact that I had trouble conceiving and problems throughout the pg made the whole experience very traumatic. I posted on BB shortly afterwards and got some lovely replies and support, thank you.

I thought I was starting to feel better but really I'm not, I'm actually wondering if I am worse now! It seems everywhere I turn there are pregnant women and new born babies - they are seriously everywhere and it's driving me crazy. On the one hand I am really happy for these women on the other I am so sad and angry that I am not sharing their joy.

Because it has been a few weeks since the m/c everyone now expects me to be fine and great and carry on as normal, and I am trying so hard to do this but it is just so difficult! I work FT and study PT and have exams at the moment, my first one is tomorrow and I am so stressed! Exam time is stressful enough without the added emotional baggage I'm carrying. I keep telling DF that I am still so upset about everything and that I'm not coping and he just keeps telling me not to worry and that he was always really stressed at exam time too.... It's not just the exams that are bothering me!!! I feel like everyone has forgotten what I have been through and how difficult it was and still is for me. No-one wants to talk about it, no one seems to care anymore because they think by now I must be over it. I'm not over it!!!!

Is it normal for me to still feel this way? I know I am under a lot of stress at the moment but I am still so sad about everything that has happened. I just want the world to stop for a few minutes so I can get myself together!! Normally I am so strong and positive and now I just feel like such a mess. I wish I could stop feeling like this.

Hopefully the exam stress is magnifying everything and once I get through this next week I will start to feel better and sort myself out some more.

Sorry for being so selfish, I know everyone has gone through such heartbreaking experiences and I am so sorry and sad for all of you. I just needed to vent before I really went crazy!

Fi

Fi you are NOT crazy! This is probably your way of grieving for your little :angel: plus you seem to have more on your plate at the moment with exams too. So try to stress less (easier said than done I know). I know what you mean about pregnant women everywhere (try to look at them as success stories and if they can have a baby then we and all those TTC can too!!).

As hard as it can be I find to help me I try to think about the positives:

1. We did fall pregnant which is a start
2. Most people that MC go on to have H&H pregnancies
3. Maybe something was terbbily wrong with our little :angel: and they have now gone somewhere safe
4. As I mentioned in point 2 most people go on to have many healthy babies!

In regards to your DF he is most likely grieving his own way which you may not be able to understand. My DH has tried to put the matter aside and tries to keep busy so he doesn't have to stop and think... me on the other hand, well I feel better having a good cry (which has happened quite often since we found out last Wednesday) I also find that it helps me to read some of the other threads where people post their good :bfp: after their MC

Good luck... are you going to TTC soon?

Hi Fi,

I am so very sorry for your loss :hugs:

No I don't think you are crazy at all. I had a m/c 5 weeks ago now and I still feel the same way. I must admit I am now starting to have a few more better days now, but on a bad day I still feel exactly like you describe.

It is still upsetting me too that everyone expects me to act as if nothing happened and to just get over it. I have to keep reminding my DH that it will take time and that I can't get over it to a timetable. Actually a funny thing happened to me yesterday - I saw an interview on Andrew Denton's show last night with Rod Stewart (after a conversation with DH about getting over it all) and Rod said about his marriage breakup "You can't get over or under it, you just have to push your way through it". That is EXACTLY how I feel at the moment and I told my DH that.

Also I notice that you are in Newcastle too - I don't know if you know or not, but there is a local miscarriage and stillbirth support group that meets monthly in Hamilton. I have the details - if you are interested just send me a PM. No problem if you're not interested though, I just thought I'd offer. I'm planning on going to it for the first time tomorrow night and am hoping it will help.

All the best.

I'm so sorry for your loss, and no you aren't crazy! At least thats what people keep telling me and I feel exactly the same. I feel crazy. No other word to describe it, so at the very least you know you aren't alone.
I'm not much good for advice, but wanted to send you some love and *HUG* and know i'm thinking of you

Thank you girls, it's nice to know you don't think I am crazy!! I think I just really underestimated how difficult this process would be and how much time I would need to recover from it.

Milka, thank you for your positive spin on things. I agree with all of those points and I know that there is a very good chance that next time I will have success. Although I look forward to TTC again, for the moment I am just not ready and will be taking a break just for a little while and will start trying again in the new year.

Megsmum, I was given the info from my FS about the meetings in Hamilton and am thinking about going but haven't decided yet! I guess I'll see how I feel after my exam today. I think it would be good though as talking about things really does help and it is only those of us who have gone through this that understand how awful it is. I just wory that I will become a blubbering mess as I am still so emotional!

Ok, I need to do some last minute cramming!

Thanks again everyone,

Fi

No problems Fi - I'm glad that you have the info on the support group. I only decided that I would go last week too, before that I just wasn't sure that I could do it :( I still get emotional when I talk about it, but not quite as bad now, so I'm hoping I'll be able to hold it together tonight!

All the best.

hi fi
it's been a few months for me now since i had a missed mc and i really don't think it does get any easier i think sometimes you just learn to cope as time goes bye hope your feeling better

take carexx

Hi Fi,

You are not crazy at all. Myself having gone thru this some time ago still find moments when a tear will pop up and i still feel sad over it. My sister had a m/c many many years ago and still she gets sad over it and sometimes sheds a tear or two - i think it is perfectly normal. From the time you find out you are pregnant you are inlove with that little bean and all your hopes and dreams go into it , we dream about names etc not have you only lost your little bean but you also lost dreams along with it. Cry when you want to - its nothing to be embarrassed about, when you are ready to cope is your choice and we all handle things in different ways. Unfortunately most people out there that have never had this touch their lives personally don't really understand, because it is something that is no tangable to most people it never existed - but to us that have been thru this our angels did exist and they were very real to us and our partners. Be kind to yourself, take some time out when you can, its bad timing with your exams and this is probably not helping your stress levels at the moment. You will feel emotional for some time yet, but you do learn to cope. All i can say is we here a BB understand and are hear for you when you need to vent, or talk. Take care of yourself and the other girls are right most go on to have H&H pregnancy and eventually get to hold that little bundle of joy one day so just think towards that thought. Good luck with your exams and i hope you get your BFP again really soon and that your life is filled with joy.

Hi Fi
Its still really early days and your hormones could still be mucked up. I know it is hard to do but try and not let things get to you. It has been over a year for me and I still have emotional probs some days, on those days I try and not let things get to me.
Have you had any grief counciling??
I am going to counciling and it really helps. There should be some councilers on campus that could help you or you could go to a GP.
Have you thought of taking some herbal medication to help with your stress levels so you can concentrate on your studys??? I know that I was going through a bit of a crisis when I was sitting for my exams I went to a health food shop and asked a few Questions and found out about some supplements and then went to the supermarket /chemist and got a cheaper brand.
Good luck with your exams.
Take care :hug:
Chris

Thanks again everyone. It is just so nice to know that I am normal and that you can all relate to how I am feeling.

Lissie that was such a beautiful message, thank you! I can see you have been through a very tough journey and I wish you the best of luck with everything. How are you going with donor embies? I'm not too familiar with IVF or your particular situation but my understanding is that donor eggs / embies are few and far between? Sorry, like I said I don't really know much about the situation but I wish you all the luck in the world and look forward to hearing some good news soon, you really deserve it.

Chris, yes I have started taking some herbal medicine to help with concentration, stress and anxiety. They are really good and I am starting to feel better. One exam down, one to go! After Wednesday I'm sure I will feel like a new woman.

megsmum, how was the support group? I almost came along but pulled out at the last minute! I hope it was beneficial.

I went home last weekend (to Melb - had a wedding to go to) and caught up with some friends. One of them gave me a beautiful round, plain silver pendent which I just got engraved with 'Angel Oct 2007'. It is so beautiful! It feels really good to have done something to acknowledge and remember my little angel by. Maybe it sounds silly, but it was something I had to do to help myslef heal. Now I look at it hanging around my neck and smile, knowing that the memory of my little angel will always be close to my heart.

Fi

wow that was so sweet of your frend, it has brought tears to my eyes, sorry to hears of your loss, i am finding my days are slowly getting alittle easer to face.

Hi Fi,

Yay for the exams almost being over - I don't think I said it before but good luck!

The support group went well thanks. Actually I was the only one there! So me and the lady running the group just chatted about it all for the 2 hours - it was really good to unload to someone who understands and I was quite glad in the end that it wasn't a large gathering. I'll probably go to the next meeting and then see how I go from there, the meeting after that isn't until February next year anyway, so I'm sure there will be more water under the bridge before then.

What a lovely friend to buy you something like that too. I have done the same thing, I went and bought a new chain and a little heart pendant - now I can keep my angel close to my heart too :(

All the best x

Hi Fi.. I know I'm probably going to say the same things as everyone else, but it's totally normal.

I suffer from depression, and I honestly (from the bottom of my heart) think that I'm still not completely over my m/c which was at the end of June this year. There are days when I'm fine, where I can get along with life and just relax, but there are majority of times where I walk around the shops and almost cry whenever I see pregnant ladies, because it always makes me wonder if I would have been that size or smaller.

I still find things very hard, but with a little bit of time, things will go right :)

LizJessie I'm so sorry for your losses. I dont suffer from depression but I know a lot of people who do, DF being one and during my recent emotional rollercoaster I kept thinking that I was glad it was me taking the brunt and not DF as I know he would not have coped. Luckily for him he was able to distance himself slightly and couldn't quite comprehend what I was going through. At the time I didn't get it and was annoyed that he didn't seem as devestated as me, but I think perhaps he was just protecting himself. If he had felt the intense emotions that I was feeling then I'm quite sure he would have had a breakdown. I really admire your strength, dealing with loss and TTC after m/c is a tough journey for all of us and you are clearly stronger than you believe.

Megsmum I wish I had gone now - it sounds like it was great!! One of the reasons I didn't go was because I was worried I might get a bit overwhelmed if there were a lot of people there. I might go to the next one. Hopefully I'll be feeling better by then and might be able to offer advice and hope to those who have had more recent losses. I'm pleased you have your angel close to your heart too, it has made a difference for me and I am definitely progressing in the healing process.

Last exam tomorrow and I'm feeling pretty confident!

Hi to everyone else!

Fi

Hi Fi
Good luck for your last exam tomorrow.:dance:
Your so lucky to have such a great friend.
I was given an NAO Angel that is in my lounge room, I also got a white rose in the garden.
Take care
Chris

Thanks Chris

Exams are over and I am SO relieved!! I find I'm having more good days now than what I was but every now and again I'll have a bad day and the bad days are still really tough... Just gotta keep hanging in there!

have a great weekend everyone

Fi

Hi Fi,

Glad to hear your exams are over and also that you are starting to have more good days :) I hope things continue to improve for you!

All the best x