BW's rules for the family who wants to be supportive
There's been discussion of this in my journal lately. With there being enough stress running around with me doing an IVF cycle on top of setting exams, marking exams, writing reports, writing programs... and all the other assorted end of year craziness in the life of a teacher, having family stress on top was just too much.
The statement of "how to be supportive" for the family has not yet been issued. Still working on getting myself into a calm enough state to be able to send it along in such a form that it's not going to create even more problems because we've now majorly upset the family. Copied directly as it was written, and a brief note on that - I was in a fairly sarcastic and cynical mood when I wrote it, and it was written along the lines of a conversation to myself. As things developed, instead of going back and editing, I left it as it was - I find writing in that way to be much more therapeutic and cathartic than in trying to come up with something that flows and makes sense. It's the changes in my thought process that I need to see later.
Anyway, people are quite welcome to add, subtract, make suggestions to the wording - this is very much a draft statement, needs a lot of work before it goes to the family.
* Thou shalt NOT under any circumstances call to enquire about the result at the conclusion of a cycle. If we tell you about the cycle, we'll also tell you about the result, when we are good and ready, and not a moment before. There's enough pressure from ourselves without having to feel like we have let you down also if we get a negative result. There's enough disappointment between the two of us without adding yours on top.
* Thou shalt NOT under any circumstances change the subject when we are talking about IVF. Especially so if that subject change involves the discussion of other people's children. Way to rub salt in the wounds, guys!
* Thou shalt NOT bring up IVF as the first item of conversation. We would desperately like to maintain the illusion that IVF does not come first, and there are other interesting things happening in our lives.
* Thou shalt NOT bring up IVF in discussion while in public. This includes in front of YOUR close friends and family members. Just because you are close to those people and trust them, doesn't necessarily mean we are as well. We would like to control who knows and does not know about our fertility treatment. We have enough gossip to deal with at work, thank you very much!
Hell, let's just make it "Don't talk about IVF unless we bring it up first". Yes, the process of injecting oneself and being strung out on artificial hormones may be interesting to you, but remember that we are the ones actually living it, and have to adapt to having a sharps container in the "pharmacy" (that region on top of the freezer which is occupied by my meds, I really should take a picture of it at some stage, it's quite impressive) and have to deal with the headaches, bloating, tears, irrationality and other side effects of these IVF drugs. Not to mention the 5am starts when we have blood tests or scans before work... Do you realise just how many doctors and nurses have got to see and poke around with my girly bits? You say you lose all dignity in childbirth, we've lost it long before we get to that point - try having four people in the room at the moment of conception!
* If you try to invite yourself over, or invite us out somewhere and we are hesitant and non-commital - buy a freaking clue and realise this could be a really sensitive/busy time for us, and we are probably entirely happy in our own company. If we want a distraction we'll find it, if we want company, we'll go in search of it. Just remember that we don't get much notice for some aspects of treatment, if we can't commit, we just can't commit. Get over it. Remember that OHSS is a life-threatening illness, and I have to face that risk with every full stim cycle.
* If we are going to be the only childless couple there, understand that it may be a bit uncomfortable for us, so don't pull guilt trips if we say no to your invitation.