Need help to move on and not be critisied
I feel pregnant when I was 18. I miscarried at 9 weeks and was devasted. My partner and my family supported me and I was grateful. Although my parents were angry they supported me. I fell pregnant again and found out on my parnters birthday. We were both very happy but kept it a secret. I had an ultrasound which showed up as twins but i had lost one. I was sad but grateful that i still had my baby. I ended up telling my mum and little did i know what me and my partner had gotten into. I have a rare kidney disease which may affect my baby a 1 in 4 chance. So I planned to have a CVS which can determone wheather my baby had my disease, which was then sent to Belgium. The doctors screwed everything up. They told us one day that the sample was sent and to wait two weeks but when two weeks came they said they hadnt sent it at all. My partner and i decided that if baby was sick we couldn't keep it, even thought I was against terminations, but i didnt not ever want to put anyone threw what i have been through with this illness, if only i was so blind from the start none of this would have happened. but if he was healthy than to obviously raise and care for him. At the CVS my partner held my hand as a needle peirced my placenta and took DNA. My mother saw my baby for the first time and so did my parnter. Watching him kick and punch was the happiest day of my life. Even seeing his big head made me laughing pointing to my partner big moari head. They told us the results would be back in 2 weeks. 2 weeks turned into another 2 weeks till I found out when I was 3 months pregnant. The doctor rang me and told me the news. For 3 months i couldn't buy anything for my boy which i found out at a previous ultrasound. For 3 months i stressed every day only being able to turn to my mum and partner which sometimes just wasn't enough. My belly was massive and i stopped socialising in case people would notice. SO there i was laying on the couch in my mums arms bawling my heart and soul out. Knowing what I had to do next. The hospital rang and said for me to come in the next week and deliver my baby. I was horrified. I couldn't do it. My mind was racing. "I can look after a sick child i have all the support" to "you know whhat he will go through think of the life he'll live." I made the decisions to teminate the baby. I packed my bags and headed to Sydney. For two days I went through the pain of loosing my unborn baby and knowing that I will never feel my big lump again with my little boy. My partner came down with my along with my parents. I sat in the clinac and watched the people pass by. A young girl with her dad, a young couple and a lady by herself. And there i was bawling puffed eyes with a big belly. I wish people just knew my story sometimes. To make matters worse i asked for an ultra sound before the termination when i woke up it was a mess. it wasnt my beautiful bub i saw on the screen, the nurse had told me that there was no detectable heartbeat which i found devastin but now that i think of it i think my little brayden knew what was going to happen and left, i dont know i like to think that happened and not when he left. I woke up and felt so empty, so helpless and so lost. I packed my bags and left to go home. I stayed in bed for days i cant even remember. It's been 4 months since I lost Brayden and still havnt seeked closure. Im scared to seek help and cry often when I think or see babys. I keep a box with his blanket and ultrasounds pictures and regualry view it. Can someone please help me, I don't know what to do. My partners moved on and I don't want to seek help from my parents because i know ive put them through alot. I am now 19 and approaching due date 11th Jan 2008. Help on moving on and how to cope with this day would be a lot of help. Just because I am 19 doesn't mean anything, i still feel the pain every day and a lot of people have said you have your whole life again of you, which is true but the fact is i lost a special life a few and i will always see myself as a mum deep inside.
