Its getting worse and worse

Hi all,

I need some advice.

I started a thread ages ago re DSS and his bed wetting, i will give you the basic run down

-aged 10
-day time toilet trained since 2 with occasional accidents til 4 or 5
-initially night time toilet trained at 4 with once a month accidents
- got worse when his Mum became a bit unstable at about aged 6 was wetting 3-4 nights a week - over the past 4 years has fluctuated with god and bad phases but never has gone a week without a wet bed.
-has seen peditrician and ped urologist re condition = not physical
- was going to camp last year so stopped totally the week leading up to camp and for a month afterwards :clap: we were so excited and thought that this was the end.
- since Deember he has been flooding the bed EVERY night and not even waking when he is wet.
- Christmas Eve has been his onl night that was dry, but we were all sleeping in the same room, so each time i got up to pee i would wake him so i didnt have to deal with a wet bed in the morning.
- Have tried speaking to his Mum who says he will grow out of it so just tolerates it (WTF he is 10 years old :wall:)
- DSS does the bed changing
- he went through a tearful stage no so long ago, each morning he would wake up wet and cry, but evenually he told us that he was crying as he knew thats what we wanted to see - he actually didnt mind. Since that admission, he no longer crys, just gets up, changes his bed and then plays or reads.
- we have tried every solution sugested by everyone (incontenece web sites, drs, family and friends) from rewards for no wetting, punishments - not physical, waking in night, bed alarms, talking about it, positive reinforcement, medication (no longer takes as pead urologist says it is a waste of time as there is nothing wrong) homeopathic remedies, visulisation.

The long and the short of it - i think that he really just doesn't care. he will stop for camp (just in case we were telling him the truth and he would get teased - he doesn't believe deep down that he would) or something that he wants - but then it is back to wetting every night. and these wet beds are huge - full bed strip every morning.


Basically i have no idea what to do anymore - we know it is nothing physical so do i just accept that he doesn't want to stop yet?

Thanks in advance

HOney i really have no advice.

I just wanted to give you a hug cause you sound like you need it :hugs:

Sending you :hugs: love!!

I was a bed wetter myself :redface: and even had panic moments right through high school :redface: My parents tried everything and settled on humiliation which let me tell you, was NOT what they should've done and is the dumbest solution around! :angry: I had all types of tests done and the drs etc could find nothing physically wrong........

Hindsight prompts me to think that it was an inner issue iykwim. Whilst my parents loved each other, home life was always on edge...........they sorted things out by massive yelling and arguments, we'd get smacked for punishment......it really was a tense living environment that I can now only see by looking back. It was only when my constant came on the scene, my stable, reassuring, solid rock .... my DH, came along that I felt I finally had a safety net and didn't have to walk on egg shells! (my problem sometimes reared its ugly head even in highschool and my parents never thought to look deeper than the inconvenience I gave them :cry: )

Just reading your post, even where your DSS doesn't seem to mind about it all, made me wonder if deep down that his new world of mum and then dad and step mum might be causing his brain a few issues?? I am no dr in anything, so I am just going from personal experience............

I even went as far as to do practical things for myself...............I stopped drinking after a certain time at night before bed to ensure my bladder wasn't busting, set my alarm to go to the loo (either you could wake your DSS or get him to set his own alarm and take a some of the responsibility?)
I remember being petrified of having friends sleep over or going over friends houses but your DSS sounds like this might actually work for him as he was fine on the camp?? Could this be an idea as a reward system??

The thing that I know really helped me through was unconditional love, understanding and not making a big deal, it was just something I had to deal with and so did it with DH..........never had an issue since our early months of being together but even when we were married because it had only been a couple of years I shared my embarrassing fear with DH and sharing it with someone who didn't judge and just loved me was such a relief................

...been married almost 10years and thank God! Never looked back!!

I don't know if me sharing helps at all............I guess I just wanted to send you encouragement because you sound like such a wonderful mum, step mum or not, you're just a wonderful mum! And I just wanted to say I'm thinking of you! :hug:

If the docs can't find anything physically wrong, then maybe it's worth a trip to a child psychologist or pshychiatrist? You said it started again when his mum was having problems, so maybe there are some things he needs to work through?

Good luck - it must be very hard for you all.

:hug: I think maybe the poor little guy has some issues that he needs help to sort out. Bed wetting at his age is often about emotional issues.
I think the best thing you can do for him is talk to a GP about getting him some counselling or seeing a child psychologist.
In the meantime maybe buy him some of the incontinence pants or pads from the chemist to wear to bed and take him to the loo in the night before you go to bed and in the night if you get up.

THanks guys for your support - he has been linked with a child psych (alfred CHAMS) for the past 3 or 4 years. He use to see them on a weekly basis, but now fortnightly - i think the suprrort was initially put in place when his Mum went into rehab, but not sure as we didnt find out about it til sometime down the track. DH has met with them once or twice and apparently they do discuss the bed wetting with him.

The other thing that i thought i should mention is that DH and I have been together since DSS was 18mths old, and have probably been the only stable relationship that he has seen in his life. So it is not a new thing for him, and he has been totally included in our lives (right down to holidaying with my family)

I do agree though it is something inner - just dont know how to support him through this and help him stop

I can sympathise with you. My DD would wet her bed twice some nights and we tried everything. We eventually had success with the bell and pad because she was obviously in such a deep sleep she couldn't wake. We also had problems during the day, right through primary school, I would encourage her to wear an incontinence pad. A lot of her problems, in hindsight, stemmed from bullying. No amount of positive reinforcement etc helped.

I would probably put him in incontinence pants at night to save the washing and just keep the lines of communication open. Maybe a couple of sleepovers.

Don't let it get you down. I know how hard it is. Especially when everyone elses child can do this.

This may not be helpful because you said you saw doctors about it and they said ti wasn't physical - is it worth getting second opnion? I saw a show (fiction I know!) where a 28 year old still wet the bed and they found the cause for it. Of course it could be psychological giving what you have told us but maybe another shot at the docs could be helpful. Sorry I can't be of any more help. hugs to you

This may seem a bit harsh, but if all else has failed, it might be worth a try...

It sounds to me like its an attention seeking behaviour - any attention is good attention in children who have emotional issues. He's obviously capable of stopping himself from wetting the bed (ie when he knows something good is around the corner for him - school camp!).But the fuss and upheaval that he can create when he DOES wet the bed is ensuring that HE is always the centre of attention in your family. Sounds kinda weird but it does have a thread of sense to it. I would be trying to ignore it - let him know that he is loved and a valued member of the family etc etc...but from now on its HIS problem. I know you said he already deals with the laundry but make sure that you absolutely don't have anything to do with him wetting/cleaning up the mess. Tell him "you know where the pads are....you know how to set your timer....you can take yourself to the toilet....and stop drinking after X time....you're old enough to sort yourself out" (along those lines). Are you able to have a discussion with his psychologist about this kind of approach to get their opinion Or at least to clue them in on what you're trying at home?
A little bit of 'tough love' can sometimes work wonders. I'm not advocating emotional abuse or that you set out to give him even more psychological scarring. But it seems to me like you've taken all the load for a long time, it's sending you balmy!...so maybe he needs to take this on fully now.
I dunno....it's just a suggestion...

I would have to agree with ele_ven7.. I think he may be after attention - be it positive or negative it is still attention...

He can not wet the bed.. he has proved that to you & not just for one or two nights either....

but I am guessing that when he wakes & the bed is wet, he gets a bigger reatction than if he wakes up dry..

with a new baby due soon, you will be needing to concentrate on the new baby for the first wee while, till you get into a routine... if DSS isnt the centre of attention then what is he going to try then daytime wetting too???..... IYKWIM...

JMO from what I have read.. but at the end of the day I dont live in your shoes....

Hope you get a resolution sooner rather than later...

Thanks Mitch and Ele_ven7...
We had thought of this possibility and discussed it at lenght.
We try not to give much attention at all when he is wet - tell him to take himself off to the shower etc etc... and when he is dry we make sure that we make a huge fuss and congratulate him and see its not that hard etc etc... but as much as i try not to, it does get under my skin and as i am still working and tired and pg (you know how it goes) i get frustrated very easily and have found myself yelling - something i dont want to do.
Was taking to DH last night and we were thinking that maybe we should just put him in drynights and leave him to it... but then i just cant feel happy about putting him back in nappies as he is comfortable if he does wet himself and i think that it may contrbute to the problem and it will just continue.

The thing that pi$$es me off the most is that when he gets up i ask him if he is dry or wet and he has to feel his PJ's or bed to know - WTF how can you not know you are wearing sopping wet clothes that are cold??? and very often his reply will be 'oh yeah a little bit' well i dont know what he things a little bit is, but wet Pj's wet pinky (you know those hospital incontinece sheets - perks of being a nurse) a pillow, doon and bottom sheet is not just a little bit! its those comments that make me angry, not the actual wetting, the fact that he has no idea that he has done it and just shruggs it off - vent over sorry :(

I also agree with mitch and ele_ven7
teach him how to use the washing machine, hang out his own sheets, bring them in when dry and also make his bed everyday! im sure he will get sick of it before long.
if not put him back into night nappies permanantly...im sure he won't want to have sleepovers or go to camp with nappies
i hope this gets sorted for you before bubs is born!

take care
narelle