Intimacy after D&C

Hi,

DH and I have just gone through the highs of a first pregnancy & lows of a M/C at 10wks.

I feel that I have grieved & said goodbye and am now determined to start trying again as soon as possible. Conception of our first pregnancy occured very quickly for us; basically in the first cycle, so, am hoping that second time around we'll have the same luck.

Althought DH says that he is also ready to try again as soon as we can, I'm not sure he has fully grieved yet, there's been very little expression of emotions. DH was very excited & had already begun to clear out our spare room to make room for our baby. The only thing DH has said is that he feels bad that he played down when I first told him that i was experiencing some bleeding & cramps. Obviously, I told him that he was just being a supportive husband and trying to alleviate my worry & that he encouraged me to speak to our OB as soon as I could.


I'm just wondering how others DH & partners have reacted to a M/C loss. Should I probe him to speak about how he is feeling?

Another question, how soon after a D&C is it safe to DTD?

Thanks in advance,

TCM

TCM, I'm so very sorry for your loss. :(

You have a very tricky question there!

Men deal with all of this so very differently to women. We lost our first baby just before 9 weeks. DH went into being strong to help me keep it together at that point - other people saw how upset he was, but not me.

Our second loss - it was all over before we'd even figured out what had happened. For us both, it was very surreal, and neither of us really grieved at all.

The third and most recent - I found myself suddenly grieving two lost babies, and the first all over again. I was hurting because DH didn't seem to care at all - I pushed, I poked, I prodded to get some sort of reaction out of him... BAD IDEA! It was probably the worst argument/fight we've ever had in nearly 10 years of marriage - I was informed (very bluntly) that for him, it didn't really seem real. I was the one going through all the physical changes, but there was no outward sign of the pregnancies - so for him he really was quite detached. He was disappointed that the IVF transfers hadn't worked - but in the middle of that very ugly fight he appeared to be much more upset about the cost than about what I was going through.

In time he'll be able to talk to you about it - but let him do it in his own time. Men don't deal with emotionaly stuff as overtly as women do, generally. Probing him is probably one of the worst things you could do (learned it the hard way), but let him know that you are there to listen if he wants to talk, but you won't force him into it. For my DH, talking to another man who had been there before did more for him than any amount of talking to me.

I hope this has helped you somewhat.

BW

Hi TCM - so sorry for your recent loss :hug:
I think everyone deal with grief in a different way - men especially - i know my DH wanted all the pain (emotionally) for me to go away he just wanted to fix it but he couldn't - i think he felt completely helpless. I think BW is right in the sense that men do not feel as attached at first as there is no outward signs of pregnancy (apart from bigger boobs) i mean i don't think they really think of it as a baby till you start to show, they know there is a baby growing in there but its just different for them, and who can blame them they are not the ones carrying. I think you need to give it time and you will find your DH will talk about it in time. As far as DTD i think you need to talk to your doctor about that one, i can't really remember as i did not really feel like it for a long while after.And the only way we can fall pregers is on IVF so DTD was not going to give me a baby. I understand that you want to start asap but maybe just ring your :doctor: first or something. I know when i left hospital they gave me all these pamphlets etc did they give you any info on this subject?
Wishing you much luck and i hope you get another BFP really soon. Stay strong and be kind to yourselves.

Hi TCM,
Welcome to BB, sorry to hear of your loss. I have also had a m/c recently and started bleeding on the 31.12.07. I should have been 10 weeks, but found out that it was a missed m/c and the baby had only made it to 7 weeks. I know what you mean about DH being excited, as we were looking at prams before X mas, and even bought a huge new car!
I think that many men like to adopt the 'if I pretend everything is fine, then it will be' approach to surviving loss. DH changed the subject every time I bought it up, and I needed to look to my friends when I wanted to talk about what happened. A friend of mine who lost a baby at 12 weeks said that it was the same for her and her DH.
I dont really know what to suggest. Maybe you could ask him how he would feel if you became preganant again soon? As for DTD, I did not have a D&C, but was told to wait until the bleeding stopped, to reduce the risk of infection. I have actually been spotting on and off all month, so decided not to wait for that to stop!;)

Good luck honey, maybe I will see you in the TTC after mc and loss forum?
Take care,
C

TCM - i am so sorry for your loss. My DH is a fairly emotional person for a guy. Every once in awhile after we lost Anthony he would cry with me, but he never showed emotions without me doing it first. As for DTD, I had a D&C after giving birth (to remove remaining piece of the placenta) and my doctor had me wait about 5 weeks before we were allowed to DTD.

Barbara

Hi All,

Thank you so much for your support & for sharing your experiences.

DH & I have spoken & he has assured me that he is ok with everything & is just concerned about how I am feeling. I have shared my feelings with him & he agreed that he is having the same thoughts & feelings. So, I guess we're on a wavelength, which is a good thing. He assured me that if he wants to talk about it he'll bring it up.

Regarding sex after D&C, I've just reviewed the brochures & they recommend to wait until at least 2 weeks after a M/C. In reference to TTC, my OB said to wait until after my AF; which should come in about 5 weeks.

Thanks again for your thoughts...

TCM

I'm sorry you had to go through that. I"ll keep you in my prayers.

My ob told us to wait 2 weeks before dtd.

Men grieve differently. Also, the pregnancy isn't as "real" to them as it is to us because we aren't even showing yet. And they try to be strong for us. I wouldn't probe him to share his feelings, but I would bring it up time to time and see how he reacts.