Devastated and heartbroken after 1st m/c

I'm new here, found the site after googling miscarriage support.

We suffered a missed miscarriage last Friday. I started light bleeding, and was advised by OB and GP to get ultrasound asap. I guess you could say I was lucky enough to get u/sound at 5pm on a Friday afternoon.... Anyway, after thinking we were 10.5 weeks, it seems our B2 stopped growing at 6.5 weeks.

Needless to say, we are devastated, heartbroken and completely and utterly gutted. The whole idea that I was carrying a dead baby inside me for 4 weeks is still quite unbelieveable and if I let myself think about it too much, it is agonising. I feel like such an idiot that my body didn't know our little B2 had grown wings. How could I not have known?

Again, I guess you could say that I was lucky enough that my OB had to do a caeser (sp?) on Saturday afternoon, so he could slot me in for a D&C. If I had to wait until Monday I think I would've gone completely loopy.

So, now we are a week later and things just don't seem to be getting any brighter. We are desperate for another baby (we have a son who is 2) to complete our family, but we are also very hesitant about when the right time to do this is. Do we go again straight away? Is this just a band-aid solution?

I feel so empty, so desolate. Stupid little things send me off into floods of tears. I have a friend who is 13 weeks pregnant, so due just 2.5 weeks before I was. I can't even speak to her at the moment. How horrible is that? She doesn't even know I was pregnant, let alone going through this.

Do I see a counsellor? I just don't know where to start. I think the anger is starting to kick in. Anger that our little B2 will never know what it's like to be cuddled by it's parents. Anger that we are suffering this loss. Anger that people say 'it's ok, you can try again', 'you weren't trying all that long, it'll happen again', 'it's really common', etc, etc. And the people who say these things have never had a m/c so they honestly don't know what it's like. Can anyone recommend who I talk to?

I had to fend off my 1st 'so, when are you having another one?' from a friend that I used to play netball with a few years ago. Not a nice spot to be in....

My husband is doing his best. By his own admission he is a little removed from it, ie: hadn't nurtured this new life for the past 10 weeks. I think he just wants to fix my hurt. He just doesn't know how. Our son is picking up my distress. He's vomiting quite a bit (he was never a sicky baby), he's not sleeping, he's grizzly. Poor little mite, he's going through it too, but has no idea.

Right now I just want to send our son to his g'mother's place, take something that will knock me rotten for a few weeks and hopefully when I wake up the hurt will have lessened just a little.

:hello: Hi AbbeyB. Hope you are having a good day today.

Hi Brockstar, so sorry to hear about your loss. I know how distressing it can be to find out that you have lost a baby and not known about it. I had the same thing happen in November '06 and it completely knocked us for a loop. I was in such complete shock that I said to the Ob to get it over and done with so that we could start trying again. Once everything had settled down and the bleeding had stopped, that is exactly what we did. 6 weeks later we were pregnant again and it happened again. Ultrasound at 7 weeks revealed no heartbeat. So another D&C. I sometimes wonder if we had waited another cycle if the outcome would have been different. It is such a knee jerk reaction to want to get pregnant again. I think somewhere deep down I thought that if I got pregnant again quickly, I could convince myself that the m/c had never happened, and that we were still carrying that baby. Like you I had other kids to look after and that was really hard as like you all I wanted to do was go to sleep and wake up when it didn't hurt so much. But I used my kids to pick me up, and threw myself back into my normal routine. When things were quiet and no one was around, I used to cry as much as I needed to. My poor husband was tyring to make me feel better but at the same time deal with is own grief over the loss.
The thing was, my sister was pregnant at the same time and was about 6 weeks behind me on dates. I couldn't look at her or even speak to her for months. Christmas was so hard as she had ultrasound pictures and I just couldn't deal with it. My husban had to tell everybody to not talk about it in front of me as it was still so upsetting. No one in my family had ever had a miscarriage or been close to someone who has and so they had no idea what to say. My mum made occasional insensitive comments which upset me a lot, but I had to remind myself that she didn't know what to say to make me feel better.
As time has gone on, and after the 2nd miscarriage (which testing showed to be a chromosomal abnormality) I have come to accept that these babies were never meant to be on this earth, but to be angels in heaven. Even now as I sit here typing this I am crying. Sometimes it is so hard to talk about, but I have found that talking to people, especially those who have been there before, really helps. The Bonnie Babes FOundation have counsellors which can help you as well.
The good news is we are now 2 weeks away from having our 3rd child and it has been a nervewracking 9 months. Everytime I have been to the toilet I have checked the toilet paper expecting to see blood, and even now at the end, I am afraid something will go wrong.
You will find many wonderful ladies here on BB who have been through the same experience and dealt with the same feelings and emotions as you. Don't hesitate to ask any questions or even just to have a bit of a cry/ vent/ whinge. We're here to help.
In the meantime, have some alcohol and some soft cheese (cause you won't be able to have that once you are pregnant again!) and cry as much as you need to.
Good luck
Kirsten

Hiya Brockstar, I'm so sorry you are going through this. People can be SO insensitive! Two days after I misscarried my twins I bumped into a wife of a man who worked for my parents (she has five children), and instead of asking how I was the first thing out of her mouth was 'oh I heard you misscarried did you see anything come out?'. I was completely floored, I hardley knew this woman this hardcore member of church who had the sensitivity of a hammer. I was lucky enough to get pregnant again three months later and I have endometriosis so I was extremely lucky. You just need to surround yourself with people who have compassion and understanding so thats what we are here for. People don't know what to say I guess but I'd rather they said nothing in that case rather than the old "it wasnt meant to be" etc.
Just let yourself grieve and try again when you feel strong enough emotionally, physically, mentally and spiritually. All the best - big hug!

Hi Brockstar,

So sorry you've had a m/c and are missing your little angel. It's almost a year now since my miscarriage and it's starting to all come back to me, so I'm struggling a bit at the moment, although it's not as raw as what you are going through at this point in time.

Anger - how I can relate. I was so angry at the world, the obst and how he treated me during this time - even the fact that I had to have a D&C and 'I let it happen'. Please know this is a normal part of the grief process and you have every right to be feeling angry. You need to just go with how you are feeling.

I went back to work about a week after my m/c, stayed half a day, decided I couldn't yet cope or stop crying, so I had another week off. You are the best person to judge what you need, so go with it and take care of you. Saying that it's probably hard with a little one, but maybe just cuddling each other will help the both of you and reassure your DS that you will be ok?

Friends of mine made a care bag after I m/c. It contained a teddy bear who now sits on my bed and through 'him' I hug my angel. I know of others who have planted trees etc, so this may be something you may like to think about when you are ready. For me it's a physical representation of what I've lost and it helps me.

Sorry, this has been long - I'm rambling and crying.

Thinking of you and your family. :hug:

Thanks for the support ladies. It's a hell of a tough spot to be in, but right now I am having a good moment. I can't vouch what I'll be like in 10 minutes time, but right now I'm doing just OK. Still very empty, but so far no tears....

I have purchased a memory charm that is a small gold heart with tiny footprints on it. They were also having a special, so I got LOVE engraved on the back. It's what our son says to us 'love mummy' 'love daddy'. So now it means even more to us than the traditional meaning. I will wear it on my necklace, right next to my heart.

I was listening to the radio the other day and they were advertising the latest lottery - $19M it was. Something along the lines of 'tell us your $19M dream'. I didn't hesitate - I would gladly give up every cent to have our baby back.

I can't help toying with the idea of ttc straight away - please tell me I'm not being insensitive? I just really need to feel happy again and right now this is the only way that I think I can do that.

There are no medical reasons why we can't - heck, even the OB (who is just fantastic and a bit of a joker) bet my hubby we would be back in hospital before the end of the year delivering a healthy bub :o

I got out the ultrasounds today - silly, silly thing to do! Especially when you get to the one that says 'no feotal heartbeat'. Christ, that just brought it all home and with avengeance.

Hi Brockstar,

I am so so sorry for your loss. Words never seem enough..

I too suffered a miscarriage of twins at 12 weeks. It was devastating and so heartbreaking, so I think I know what you are going through.

I can tell you that you wont forget, but it does get easier with time. Please give yourself time to grieve and don't be hard on yourself. You need time. There is no set rule on 'how long' it will take to feel better, but you will eventually.

Be kind to yourself and dont feel guilty for crying and being sad...

hi brockstar,
welcome to belly belly and so sorry that the loss of your angels is what brought you here.
you have come to the right place, I too found bb after searching the net for miscarriage support groups and I have never left.
the people here are so supportive and friendly, the threads are full of info for just about any question you might want answered.
again I am so sorry, your charm sounds beautifull and so meaniingful, I would love to get one like it.
feel free to vent, cry,whatever, be kind to yourself and dp/dh. sending you lots of hugs.
when you are up to it come join us in the trying to conceive after miscarriage and loss threads, we will welcome you with open arms, there are too many people who know exactly how you feel and will understand.
xxx

Hi Brockstar
I wanted to send big hugs :hug: :hug:. Unfortunately I am in a similar position - I just had a D&C on Wednesday. I should have been 11wks, but instead after having seen the heartbeat at 7.5wks my little angel didn't make it much past that. I couldn't believe it as I really thought this one would stick. Only in hindsight did I remember some signs that indicated that things weren't right.

Anyway, I digress, the things I learnt about me and those around me after my first miscarriage
* DH does not grieve the same way as me - we had some awful fights about that, I just didn't get it. He just wanted to 'fix' my sadness. (This time I am worried about him - it is hitting him harder especially since he saw the heartbeat.)
* People say some damn insensitive things, my online friends have been far more supportive - even sometimes more supportive than my mother who also had a m/c
* I have to be gentle on myself - I went through all sorts of emotions. From wanting to TTC straight away, to never wanting to try again and to being angry at everyone including myself.
* I needed to find something 'to do', so I started learning classical guitar. I am now working on a cross stitch as a symbolic piece to remember my angels.

It's a difficult journey, I am sorry that you have to go through this. :hug:

Today is a toughy - right now this moment we are supposed to be at the ultrasound place watching our 12 week scan of our bub.

We have decided to ttc as soon as I am ready - we are going away this week to get away from it all - treat our little man to a day at Dubbo Zoo...

I just want to be happy again and smile again. Is that too much to ask?

Hi Brockstar,

Just got home from work and logged on. It sounds like it's been a really hard day - the significant moements like these usually are.

I hope you all have a great time together at Dubbo Zoo. A little get away may do you all good.

Just trust that you will be happy again. It may not feel like it at the moment, and it can be a slow progression, but you will get there.

Thinking of you :hug:

Brockstar :hug: this tough day is almost behind you... one more milestone you've got through. Stay strong.

Brockstar - I'm sorry for your loss. I found the pain eased a little when I started to try again and seeing you sound like you will do that soon I hope it works for you as well.

Hey brockstar..

I truly know the feeling that you are going through as i would have been 19wks tomorrow. You do get lots of support from here even if its not physical support, its that emotional support that no one else but the people who have experienced it can give. I hope you find strength in these posts and know that you will eventually be happy again. I know its cliche, but it does really take time. Apart from the 'milestones', i am having less and less "bad days" and more days where i feel positive that i can carry on with things and i hope that as time goes by, you will do the same.

You know where to reach me if needed..

Abbey B :hug:

i am so sorry for your loss. i wish no one need ever live through the pain of losing a child. big hugs to you. m

hi brockstar,

I know exactly how you are feeling. i had a m/c at 9 weeks,a nd then a dnc a week later. It was to be our first baby.
Whats making it so much harder for me is that my sister in law is pregnant, and 2 weeks behind where i was. I cannot bear the thought of seeing her, or talking to her at the moment. Its her first too, and she is reallly happy, and so is the ret of the fam. they keep saying, well at least you know you can get pregnant, but no one understands. Ifeel angry at her for getting pregnany at the same time as my mc. i know this is silly, but thats just how im feeling.
We are also ttc as soon as possible (even though i have no desire to have sex) i hope that getting pregnant again will help.
good luck, its nice to know there are others out there who understand.

hi Brockstar,
I'm sorry also...i just m/c 2weeks ago, my doc advised me to wait 1 period before trying as mine was complete miscarriage and he said my uterus needs to go back to normal, so i am going to wait a couple of periods and have a good check up before we start again..i have already started taking i-folic tablets so my body is ready..my doc said all my blood tets had benn great so he said there must have been something wrong with our baby that's God's doing..i do undertsand this but it doesn't make it any easier...i also have a friend who the very next weekend after my loss came to visit and proceded to talk about her preganacy and show me her belly, i was strong and got through it..she said that she knew i would understand her being normal and talking about it and that if it was her that she would want me to do the same...i don't get people who have never been through this feel they know how we feel..
Anyway i justwant you to know i know your pain..take care..one day at a time. i like this poem..i hope you do too.
kind regards,
emmy-lou



Love Unconditional

Written by Jennifer Wasik
In memory of Zachery Wasik.

I thought of you and closed my eyes
And prayed to God today
I asked "What makes a Mother?"
And I know I heard Him say.

"A Mother has a baby"
This we know is true
"But God can you be a Mother,
When your baby's not with you?"

"Yes, you can," He replied
With confidence in His voice
"I give many women babies,
When they leave is not their choice.

Some I send for a lifetime,
And others for the day.
And some I send to feel your womb,
But there's no need to stay."

"I just don't understand this God
I want my baby to be here."
He took a deep breath and cleared His throat,
And then I saw the tear.

"I wish I could show you,
What your child is doing today.
If you could see your child's smile,
With all the other children and say...

'We go to Earth to learn our lessons,
Of love and life and fear.
My Mommy loved me oh so much,
I got to come strait here.

I feel so lucky to have a Mom,
Who had so much love for me.
I learned my lessons very quickly,
My Mommy set me free.

I miss my Mommy oh so much,
But I visit her every day.
When she goes to sleep,
On her pillow's where I lay

I stroke her hair and kiss her cheek,
And whisper in her ear.
Mommy don't be sad today,
I'm your baby and I'm here.'

"So you see my dear sweet ones,
your children are okay.
Your babies are born here in My home,
And this is where they'll stay.

They'll wait for you with Me,
Until your lesson's through.
And on the day that you come home
they'll be at the gates for you.

So now you see what makes a Mother,
It's the feeling in your heart
it's the love you had so much of
Right from the very start

Though some on earth may not realize,
you are a Mother.
Until their time is done.
They'll be up here with Me one day
and know that you are the best one!"

Hi Brockstar

I am so sorry for your loss and I too know where you are coming from. People don't know the right things to say so say the things that we don't want to hear, they are just trying to help but we know it just makes us worse. Only you and your DH will know when the time is right to try again, I just couldn't try straightaway it seemed like I was backdooring the little one that I had lost but everyone is different.
I was desperate for a 2nd child too for our little Man and we are nearly there but there is no point doing it for the wrong reasons. You have to be ready physically and mentally and only you will know when that is.
Take care of yourself and grieve in whatever way you need to.

Emmy-Lou

That poem is beautiful.