Q about coming out to children in extended family?
Hello, I'm DELIGHTED to say my sis has finally managed to get at least halfway out of the closet (and much happier person for it)! Of course this is something I will discuss with her at some point, but I'm really interested in how this has been handled with kids in your extended families. My DD is nearly 10, so at some point she will notice that her aunty has a female partner...do you think this is something that i should discuss with her beforehand or do you think it's ok to just wait until DD comments herself? My own feeling is that being gay is just a fact of life, not something that needs to be highlighted and commented on as if it's not normal, but won't kids have questions about it if it involves a close family member? Particularly since she's reaching that age where she'll be more aware of sexual matters generally.
Really interested to hear your thoughts.
**WARNING** possibly upsetting material
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I'm really interested in what age you were when your mother started living as a lesbian ... and what you made of that at the time in the absence of any explanation? Sorry - if this is too personal or hard don't answer that!
Hi Marydean,
Well, it's a little complicated with my mother.....but here goes......
**WARNING - possibly upsetting (and long) description of growing up in a bitter Lesbian home.**
Her first relationship was when I was 9, but I was not aware of it. This relationship was not a live-in situation. It wasn't until I was 11 or 12 years old that I discovered her relationship at that time was not just friendship - as I accidently caught her in a romantic situation (if you know what I mean). She was not aware what I had seen. This was her first live-in partner. I was shocked - but also not really sure what I should feel, as I had been snooping when I found out.
We had shared access with my father, and on some of her weekends 'off', my mother was less than discreet with her preferences. According to the boy next door, she made advances at his mother. It was this crudely delivered information that made my brother and I promise to each other that we would do everything possible to keep it a secret (particularly at school). On another weekend off, she attended a party at which my best friend's parents were also attending......the result of which was my friend was banned from spending any time with me.
When I was 16, she asked our permission for her new partner to move in with us....and her reason at the time was "We need another adult in the house to help out". It was at this time that I resented her for not being open, or respecting our intelligence and openess to her choices. She taught us to be tolerant, open people - and imparted her opinion to us that 'gayness' was not a choice, it is something that you are born as. So, imagine how I felt as the eldest child - a constant reminder to her of the way her life nearly went completely wrong.
As my mother was reasonably social at the time, there were other lesbian couples with whom my mother socialised, some of which had children. Unfortunately, many of those children were much like us, and resented the position that we were placed in. I know that adult sexual activities are by no means the business of children - but I think it was more the 'facade' that was being enacted that was more hurtful. Adding insult to injury, I was often the 'butt' of my Mother's jokes on these social occasions - at which they would all laugh and cheer wildly at.
Many of the reasons for my miserable childhood were unrelated to my mother's lesbianism, but much of my resentment was targetted at it.
I am sure that many lesbian women are loving mothers - raising happy, healthy and well balanced children - but at the hands of my lesbian mother, I was nearly destroyed. I became severely anorexic and suicidal until I left home. Today, (despite having many very close gay friends - with whom I have never broached this subject) I cannot help my unfortunate bias against Gay and Lesbian couples having children. I don't like feeling that way.
Even today, happily married for nearly 12 years, with 3 beautiful children, I cannot please my mother - and although I am sure that she has numerous problems unrelated to her sexuality, I have a deep sense that my hetrosexual preferences have sorely displeased her. I have spent many years trying to please her, but have come to the conclusion that I can never reach such a goal. Although we live in the same town, I no longer have very much to do with her.
Looking into my complexities, I think that I blame my mother's lifestyle choices for her distrust, dishonesty, disengagement and disappointment in me when I needed her as a parent. This was mostly due to the fact that she resented being 'chained down' by children (as a reminder of her hetrosexual past) and didn't recognise that we were intelligent, sensitive children who would have been most accepting had she have been open and honest.
No, I have not had any therapy or 'spoken' with a professional about my childhood. My approach in life is to love my children and husband as much as possible, and accept my friends for their strengths, and also their weaknesses.
I feel very guilty for venting this on a forum where there are many happy and loving lesbian mothers/mothers-to-be - so please accept my apology - but there will always be 2 sides to every coin. Let there be more love and honesty in the world - regardless of sexual preferences.
xx
