*vent* Just need to get it out!

Sorry if this sounds like complete jibberish but because i can't express any emotion i feel like i'm going to go absolute bonkers if i don't at least write it down...

So its now been 4 days since i started bleeding, so i guess you'd class that as when i lost my baby. I havent cried, i can't cry. I still have my stupid nausea and i wish it would just go away!

I don't know what to feel. I just feel numb. Like it's not real. I kept wishing i would wake up from this *dream*. I don't understand why it had to happen. Why would i be given this wondeful gift and then have it take back off me again? What did i do that was so terrribly wrong for this to happen?

Why can't i cry? I want to cry, i need to cry. Just so it doesn't hurt so bad, just to ease it, just alittle bit. But no, nothing will come out, so it hurts even more. What is wrong with me?

I have no friends to support me, no family, i just feel so alone. I have nothing to keep my mind of it. Looking at Lily makes it hurt more, which i feel so guilty about.

I can't eat, it makes me feel sick, i can't drink, that makes me feel sick too, i can't sleep because of the pain both physically and emotionally. I just feel like an emotionless waste of space!

Tegan - Im sorry you feel so alone, it isnt nice, and im sorry what is happening to you.. Where is DH today? can you call him to talk..
You do need time to get over this, and there is no rush, but you do need to let it out..Can you take Lily and go for a walk or look at the ocean? it might calm you down.. You will start to cry and let it out in your own time.. If we could only fast forward time sometimes!, Remember you have a lot of support here.. I am only in Brisbane if you ever want to meet for a coffee or something if you are up this way?bye for now
Lavender...

Tegan I am so sorry for what you are going through. I have been there three times, the most recent time I just felt numb.......My nausea took a few weeks to go away.....You need to remember you haven't done anything wrong unfortunately things like this just happen........And you will eventaully feel better, but it does take time and some TLC...

:hug:
Nat

OH Teagan honey, I am sooooo sorry. It is not fair that any of us have to go through this. I wish I could give you the biggest hug.

You haven't done anything wrong, and please don't blame yourself. Of course you are normal, you are just still in shock, when something that you have craved for is taken from you, you don't have to have text book reaction, you just have to do what comes to you. If you can't cry yet, then don't try to force yourself, it will come when your ready to let go.

You do have support, we are all here for you, and please use us to lean on. While not all of us can be physically with you, we are all here for you on BB. I don't know how I would have coped without the girls here.

As lavender said, take lily for a walk, and look out at the ocean, you might just feel better. Don't feel guilty about looking at Lily and hurting, you wanted this for her as well. Embrace the fact that you have lily and hug her and kiss her, it might help you to feel a little better. Don't feel guilty if it hurts to see others that are pg, or with newborns, it is all natural. Everything that you feel is natural for you.

Please feel free to lean on me for support... it's hard and I know that you don't want everyone telling you taht it will all be ok, but please know that it will be, you will be fine, and you will have another baby oneday.

Love and hugs

Melissa

Tegan, i am so sorry to hear of your loss. You are in my thoughts

I wish i could do more to help you through this very difficult time.

I am sorry that you don't have the support from family and friends but please remember all of your BB friends ,we will all give you as much support as you need for as long as you need it.

Take care Leah

Tegan -

What has happened is not your fault and you could do nothing to prevent this from happening.
That little one inside of you knew that you loved him or her from the moment you saw that second line. They knew you would love them no matter what.

You have so much support already....HERE!! We all care and love you Tegan and you are a special person who loved someone from the moment Go.

You will get that chance again to love that little one again in the soon to be future and you know that your little angel up there is watching and making sure everything goes alright.

If you don't feel like crying, that is okay. One day you may just get teary and it will happen naturally. Plant a rose, light a candle or take a poem on here and read it aloud outside into the stars at night and smile knowing you little angel is watching you.

I promise the Numbness will go away with time and grief and you will wake up one morning soon and all will be Okay. Look at Lilly every time you feel sad, and just know she will MAKE a great older sister one day soon.

Take Care
Tamara

Tegan - So Sorry for your loss. :hugs:
People will always say it happened for a reason - but we will never know why - keep on talking in the forums - atleast it is one way of venting yourself.
:grouphug:

HI Teagan,
So so sorry for your pain. There are many'normal' ways of dealing with grief. Yours is one of them. It is awful to feel isolated and unsupported. You have done the right thing in engaging bb. Noone can take away the feelings you are feeling but we can all help. Lots of people will say it was for a reason... Yes, surely it was but that doesn't help the pain. Light a candle, say a prayer, keep writing... One day soon you will wake and notice the day is beautiful again. Plant a rose, there is a beautiful rose called angel face... I believe your little one is just that... Take yourself off to get a massage when there is someone to watch Lily. If alternative therapies sit comfortably with you seek out a naturopath/herbalist and get a good tonic to balance your system. Trust that sometime soon you will feel a little less pain...
Lots of love and blessings,
Deb

Thank you everyone so much. I never knew how much support i had on here...

I just had a huge cry on the phone to my mum when I told her.. I think that's what made it real, you know? So feelinga tiny bit better about life...

And Petal,

You will get as much support as is humanly possible from everyone here. I hate that this has happened for you, and i can absolutely empathise with you. It took me a good couple of days for my tears to start because I was numb. It is a completely normal reaction, and honey, this is not your fault, who knows why it happens???

Just take the time that you need and always remember that we are all here to listen to you.

Lots of Hugs,
Kristie

Tegan,

I know exactly how you feel.

My nausea stopped immediately but everytime I look in the mirror and see my massive boobs and my belly I hate the image. I hate that it won't go away. I hate that my body won't just snap back to normal and that this nightmare is over. I hate that I was so smug about falling so easily and now it has been snatched away and I hate that I now need to face the rest of the world and pretend that all is ok. I hate the fact that my business doesn't even recognise miscarriage in the parental policy until 28 weeks and I hate that I have to face everyone on Monday when I go back to work. I hate that my DH feels so helpless and that everytime he looks at me he sees Monty in my curves.

I love the fact I now have a support network.

It is ok for us to vent how we feel bcos the great kids here on BB will be there on the blackest day.

Hope I didnt make you feel worse.

Nelly x