I am SO confussed!!

I don't think any range of emotions could properly describe how I feel today :(

I have been off the Pill for a month. Not ttc'ing, using condoms (exept for one time :rolleyes: ) Not really wanting to get pg. Not really sure I want any more children. Not getting AF. Not pg (after hpt) :( :dance: :doh: :wall:

Don't know why I am so sad at not being pg. Don't understand how my head can be so overpowering and my heart so weak. Don't know how to tell DH that I don't want to be pg, but if it happens by accident it's ok. Don't know how anyone going thru a prem could contemplate getting pg again. Don't know if anyone would understand that, but that is how I feel. How do you WILLINGLY get pg again after going through a traumatic birth?
Don't really want to stop using condoms also. Don't really want to be pg again, but not really sure if I am ready, or if I want to. I'm clucky, strangly enough, don't know where that are coming from.

I am rambling.

I am just so sad today. Sad because deep down I probably had my heart set on getting pg, thinking that it takes only once. That's just me - ever naive. I know some of you might think me selfish and petty, because after one month of "not really ttc'ing" I am complaining about not getting pg by accident. I just thought that if I get pg by accident, I could convince myself that I did not really want to get pg again and that I did not have a choice and that I am sane, because I did not chose to get pg, but it happend, kwim??????

Now if that paragraph did not let me sound like the most clear-minded person on planet earth ... *searching closet for spare straight-jacket* and I want to be a mother to another child ... poor thing!

Anyway, probably just my hormones running a muck with me. Will probably get over it and feel beter after AF comes.

Oh nadine you poor thing!!!!

huge hugs for you hope you work out soon what is right for you!!!

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

Hun :hug:
I think you need to express your feelings to DH.... you need to let him know what 'you' want and perhaps why you're hesitant to fall pregnant again as you had a scary experience last time.... he probably has no idea how you feel about it all.

BTW, if you were to fall pregnant straight away, then you are one hell of a lucky woman that's all i can say!!!! :D

:hug: sounds like you need one - and don't feel bad for naively thinking it would just happen this month 1st month - i unfortunately felt the same, no such luck here either this month - i didn't have a prem first go round but he did come early 37wks and was pretty small 2.5kg's so can kind of relate to you in regards to anxiety - but obviously no where near as frightening as 34wks.....

Thanks guys ... I feel a bit better today. No AF yet, still waiting.

DH knows how I feel and we spoke again last night, because he asked me if AF had come yet and I said no and he started to gloat that he made me pg :rolleyes: so I just had to pee on his pudding and tell him that the hpt was negative. He was actually very nice about it. Told me that he is also scared, but in the same sentence that he also hoped that I would get pg.

So yeah, don't know. If AF does not come by next Monday, I'll test again. My bb's are extreamly sensitive, but that could just be because I am off the Pill :dunno:

Ren: Do you have any IDEA how bad I would feel posting I am pg after "not ttc'ing" for one month. :) Whole other topic (occured to me late last night), but I see you are going for acupunture and drinking herbs ... Have you checked DH's spermcount?? Asking because I have a gf that ttc'ed for about a year and nothing. She thought the problem was her and in the end they discoverd that his spermtubes did not develop, he could never make babies. So they could have DTD till their noses bleed, but that would have make it impossible to concieve. Just a thought, not meant to pry :) :)

Thanks again for the support and the hugs.