Calm Mother, Calm Baby? Chicken and Egg?

I've had lots of people tell me how chilled out my DD is - everyone from friends to strangers to the women at Mothers Group. Seeing as she's my first, it's pretty hard for me to tell but then people often say "yep, well that's no surprise, you're pretty laidback yourself." And I suppose I am.

Anyhow, I was having a discussion with my physio about this who is VERY clucky and I said "well, it's pretty easy to be calm when you have a calm baby but I might be a wreck if she was a bit more trouble so it's like the chicken and the egg. Are babies calm because their parents are calm or do calm babies make it easier for their parents to seem calmer?" She still reckons she's seen lots of parents (she specialises in pregnancy-related stuff) and she thinks there is something to the idea that calm mother = calm baby.

So, what does everyone else think? Personally, I just think I was very lucky with my DD and as much as I might hope that a second one might be the same, I may still end up beside myself.

I think it certainly helps a baby to be calm if mum is calm, but there are some babies that are just naturally harder work (especially if there is an underlying reason such as reflux, etc) which even the calmest of mums would have problems with. And yes, I think a calm baby helps mum to be calm too!

I don't know. My DD was a very calm baby, but my DS1 was a holy terror, and I probably was the same laidback parent to the both of them.

Charlie is an incredibly active, social, secure and self-assured child, but I would not come close to classifying him as calm, by any stretch of the imagination. Yet while I admit to being a more anxious parent with him than with my other three kids, I am a very even tempered, calm person in general, and so is DH, and Charlie is soooooo not a calm baby. :)

But there is exceptions to every rule and perhaps we're one of them?

my DH is very laidback where as im not! DD is very laid back and i believe her nature made me calm!

I am the most laid back person but DS is not and he has turned me into a mess at times!

I didn't realise how lucky I was with DD1, until DS came along! Kids have vastly different personalities, I can't beleive the spectrum I have with my three!

I have the same comment made to me so many times..........so I know what you mean

You see classic examples of this on House of Tiny Tearaways. Children with major food phobias, really stressed about eating, who are much better when the parent or parents are not around them. Really amazing to watch how the stress of the parent really influences their child's behaviour. Often the expert of the show has to deal with issues with the parents in order to deal with the problems in the child.

In my personal experience I have generally found the parent has major influence on how calm the child is. Saying that though I am aware that it is not always the case. As for my situation, I so not have a calm child, people do comment that she is happy, but she is hard to handle. I am certainly not a calm person, I do stress and think about things too much.

This is interesting. I wouldn't call myself calm so I hope this doesn't rub off onto the baby, yet DH is so laid back and easygoing! Perhaps bubs will get his temperament from him?!?

Funny you should say that about reflux Dee - my DD has this and she smiles or laughs after a chuck. Then she laughs again when I clean it up. Mind you, she also laughed at a woman crying on TV the other day so I think she takes this laughing thing a bit too far sometimes!

Hi Fiona,

I get that comment quite a lot too.. I think it works both ways and also just the luck of the draw with the baby.. When I found out that I was pregnant with Kimberley, I took on a stress free attitude, and I don't think I would be so calm and laid back now in motherhood if Kimberley wasn't as content and settled as she is.

But I do feel a bit of pride when the comment is made, and think to myself that I can only pray that when baby # 2 happens along that I can be this blessed twice!

I definitely think there is something to the calm mum calm baby thing.

Sometimes when I am trying in vain to get DS to sleep, I force myself to take big slow breaths and can see the change almost immediately in him. Even if it doesnt necc get him to sleep it does make him less upset.

There was some research recently demonstrating the link between stress levels during pregnancy and infant behaviour after birth (ie if you experience lots of stress during pregnancy this influences how baby is in terms of laid back or fussy).

I'm a subscriber to the calm mother calm baby theory too, Angus is a relaxed friendly baby and people comment on it all the time. We made a special effort to ensure I wasn't stressed during the pregnancy and we don't overreact to little things and get stressed now either.

I am with Lulu, it depends a lot on the child. My 1st child was really easy and calm and I was prob the most stressed with her but DS who I am much more relaxed with is a wild man!

I agree that calm mother generally equals calm baby. Much is about how you perceive your baby and yourself as a parent. I think if you label your baby difficult and make this a focus in how you feel about them, you will inevitably experience a "difficult" baby. If you feel your baby is loveable and adorable, you will enjoy parenting them and convey to others an air of calm between you and baby. Just my opinion though.

Actually I found it easier on myself when I did give him a label! I stopped trying to work out why he was a stress head and just gave in to the fact he was just that way.

DS was a difficult baby, like really really difficult. The shortest fuse on a human I have ever seen! Now he is 3 and easier to manage but I can see it's his personality and the fact he is a normal, rambunctious boy.

I hate it when others label him difficult though, as it's mainly those who haven't spent enough time with him to know either way......ggrrrr!

That's JMO too!

I do think that being a calm parent will have some effect on a baby. But gosh, we all have different personalities, and I don't think we are totally moulded by our parents. Much as we might like to, we can't control everything to do with our kids.

My DS is a lovely, social, bubbly child, everyone always comments on how happy he is. But he is a real handful, really full on ;) Yet, I have often been told that I am such a relaxed mum. And I think I am pretty relaxed with him, it's just his personality shone through from a very early age ;)

ETA Fiona, it's great that your DD doesn't suffer with her reflux, but most babies do, it causes them terrible pain. There was certainly no laughing in this house, just tears all around. It's the only time I've cried because of being stressed about DS.

I used to think this - I was a very laid back first time mum, never stressed about anything much and DD was also very easy, laid back and calm...slept great, ate well, no dramas at all.

Then I had my DS.

I was still the same as I always was.....HE on the otherhand was about as opposite to DD as he could have possibly been. Needed mummy constantly, breastfed constantly, slept crappy...he just has a completely different temperament.

So I think ultimately it comes down to the temperament they are born with - they way the mother is may have some bearing but not much at the end of the day I don't think.

That said though I DO think that mother's who are highly strung tend to rub off on their babes...have definitely seen some of that with my friends.