Older Sibling Threatening Unborn Baby...HELP?? pls

XP and I are getting a bit concerned about his Mr7.5 and bigfoot (our baby in progress). Sometimes he is really excited about having a "little brother" but when we try to prepare him for the fact bf may be a girl he cracks it (he has ADHD, Epilepsy & Aspergers Syndrome so behaviour can be a problem) and tells us he will hurt the baby if its a girl and "dead it".

I know I am probably being paranoid about this but he is a very violent child and has hurt me before in the past during a tantrum (black eye, split lip, scratches etc). There have been a few times recently where when he hasn't got his own way or I have said no to something he has tried to kick or punch my belly. His father does not tolerate this at all and comes down very quickly and sometimes too hard (imo) as it has all just been threatening behaviour not actual attempts as he is more after my reaction than to make contact.

We try to involve him as much as we can, even though we aren't together anymore (XP and I). We always refer to bf as "our baby" including him. He was given copies of the scan pictures, we have been through books about becoming a big brother, how the baby grows and things like that. We have even asked him about suggestions for name, so far they have all been obscene phrases or that the baby should just be named after him. What more can I do? Even his dad (my XP) is starting to become very concerned. The threats and comments are becoming more violent and graphic and I am really starting to stress.


Mr7.5 has always been a bit of a problem in our relationship. He tends to take great pleasure in telling his father lies about me and what I do and also making his dad choose between the 2 of us. I will admit on a day to day basis I am a lot harder on Mr7.5 than the XP and the rest of his family... I am not unfair or mean or nasty I just treat him the same way I treat any other child. I expect good behaviour and manors and don't give in to everything he wants, even when he threatens a tantrum. Every other adult in his life lets him do anything he wants and excuses it with his illnesses. Maybe I am too hard?!

Anyway any suggestions from those who have a large age gap or who have had to deal with similar issues would really be appreciate.

Awww *hugs* Kerry.....I have no advice to offer unfortunatley but my thoughts are with you... I hope that once BF is there Mr7.5 will completly dote on him/her.....


Best wishes chicky....


Hopefully someone will have some useful advice...

Is it too late to have a scan to find out the sex of the baby? It might not have been what you wanted to do, but if BF is a girl at least you have time to let MR7.5 get use to the idea of having a little sister. I don't really know what to say sorry.

I have been thinking that myself, about the scan... I really had no intention of fining out unless my health problems got worse (bad kidney's). I have always wanted a surprise baby and a big part of me would be really upset if I had to find out as I would feel cheated. however considering the way things are going it may be the only option left.

I will mention it to the OB's as well... maybe they have something to suggets.

Kerry - Hugs to you, your in a very difficult situation.

You say that you`ll feel cheated if you had a scan for XP`s son`s benefit, if your thinking this way perhaps it might be best to get professional help first before going up the road for a scan when that isn`t what you want.

Kerry my heart goes out to you, and I have to say I agree with Shannon 100% and I couldn't have worded it better myself.

I would also be recommending counselling NOW for Mr 7.5, but keep in mind a bit of counselling isn't a green light, but it may help him to address his feelings, or to help you all understand the situation more clearly.

*hugs*
Cailin

I agree 100% with Shannon too.

Shannon has given you some very sound advice there Kerry.....I can't add any more than that.

Good luck.........

Shannon - thanks for your post. I really appreciate it and will be XP and I will be discussing things tonight (the boys are staying this weekend). I don't think he is going to have too much of a problem with that as his suggestion was to not let Mr7.5 even see the baby (which I don't agree with).

We also have an apppointment on Monday with the school councellor (just Xp and I to start with). Primarily it is to discuss how we should deal with this issue.

I have to have another scan (due to my kidneys) and I think that we may pay the extra and have an obstetric one as well (in 4D) and take Mr7.5 to that. I really am uncomfortable with finding out the gender but if after Monday that is the 'professional' advice I get then I will have to. It just seems (and call me immature here) so unfare that I have to give up what I want because of a naughty little boy, however if it means a better relationship between bigfoot and Mr7.5 then I suppose my wants really do seem trivial.

Thanks to everyone else for their suggestions and input.