Hey Mummy! - No Boobie, No Sleep! Sleep books making me stressed!

Well, I'm reading my second book on gentle sleep solutions - I've read Pinky's and now I'm reading Elizabeth Pantley's "No Cry Sleep Solution" and I must say, that when I read these books, I'm starting to become quite upset.

Having read these books, it appears that my 6mth old should be able to sleep for a longer period at night without needing the boob. Currently, my DS wakes about every 2 hours (at least) at night for a boob, regardless of whether he's hungry or not. I've become his dummy. Add in the GP's comments that "He should be sleeping for 10 hours" and I'm in a total muddle.

Having read what my son could potentially be doing, I'm feeling really flat now and am realising that in choosing to attend to his every cry (I can't BARE to let him cry to sleep etc) that I've somehow made choices that have resulted in him having this sucking-to-sleep association.

I love sleeping with my son and really want to continue doing so, but the last few nights he's started crying out if he wakes and the boob isn't in his mouth - a new development to add to my feelings of inadequacy! I feel like crying today because my boobies are sore from all the sucking and I have no-one I can talk to about my natural/attachment style of parenting and what on earth I should be doing.

Elizabeth Pantley says it is possible to co-sleep with your baby and not be a continuous dummy, but I suppose that's going to require many tiring nights of trying to remove him from the boob while he's still awake (but not asleep - almost impossible!) and hope that he learns to sleep in a different way.

I didn't even feel very happy to see his smiling face today :( Feeling like cr*p!

Am I alone in this?

ps. sorry for the long post & the sob story....

No hun, you're definitely not alone!!

I don't go in for the total attachment parenting style, ie we don't co-sleep and I don't feed to sleep either (well I guess I do overnight actually :think:), but we still have our issues!

DS wakes every 3-4.5 hours for a feed. This equates to a feed at about 10pm, another at about 1.30-2am, then 5-6am then we get up for the day at about 7.30-8.30am.

With my DD I had already started to resettle rather than feed at that 2am feed when she was 4 months old.

After reading all this gentle parenting stuff, I've pretty much responded to DS's crying at night immediately and fed him thinking I was doing the right thing and eventually he'd start to sleep longer stretches on his own. Pfft! Not happening.

Starting to think I should have done things differently too. Perhaps some things just don't work for all people (or in this case, babies).

I wish I had the answers...I'm starting to get tired!

It's an awful, sinking feeling to read or to be told by 'experts' that your son 'should' be doing this, 'should' be doing that when you just can't see he's ever going to do it.

oh you poor darl ..
firstly i would put the books in the bin .... you are the one who knows your son best and you are the one who knows what to do , the books will just make you crazy ..
could dh try cuddling up with ethan???

if you love sleeping with him ... keep doing it , im not sure about the boob thing as a dummy but one way or another it will work it self out .... or some other lovely bb will have a good idea ...

but as for those books .... they may sound like they can make your life easier ....but they are not going to , from you post they are making you insane , my son never slept through till he was about 1 ... thats not to scare you , (and yes he fed when ever he woke , its only milk it wont harm him , it will nourish him !!) but to let you know babies dont go by the book ....and the not crying to sleep thing is not a bad thing , if ds was upset i would comfort him , simple as that , that is what we are made to do ... so if he cries ,do your duty and comfort him ...

i guess what im trying to say is : you sound as though you are doing a fab job , but some person you dont even know ( the author) is getting into your head .. the person doesnt even know your boy so i would shut the book , take a look at your boy and go with his cues ... the weight of this will be off your back , if you tune into yourself and ethan !!!

Melody - free yourself sweetie.
Once you realise that sleeping habits have very little to do with your parenting and a lot to do with how your bub just is you will feel much better. I have been through it too and tried a lot of things. Nothing really worked except for time. But when I realised it wasn't cos I was a bad parent then I relaxed a lot more and it all became easier. 6 months is still young. The best thing you can do is get some partner or family support so you can either alternate nights or get some more sleep during the day. Don't think you have to do it all yourself.
You are going a great job I am sure.
Big hugs

Melody, sending you lots of hugs.
You're definitely not alone. I know how you feel. My son has just turned 7 months old but still wakes up during the night for a feed.
I read the books that you've mentioned but I tend to trust my instinct and follow his leads. People keep saying that he is so happy and bright so I guest my instinct is not that bad LOL
Have you tried patting? I found that if patting works then I won't have to offer boobie.
What I also want to say is every baby is different. What general babies 'could' or 'should' do might not work for every babies.
Also, there is a big wonder weeks happening around 6 months where they learn lots of clever tricks such as rolling, crawling, babbling, etc. This might also be the reason why 6months babies wakes up more during the night and try to get more comfort from the most important person in their world - their mums.
Because the world can be such a scary place but not when mum is around :)

This is EXACTLY what is happening with DS at the moment (well, actually for the last 3.5months). I tried last night to pat/shush him to sleep rather than feeding but it was only working some of the time and he wakes up too often for me to be able to stay awake and consistent with it. If I just feed him then I can go back to sleep straight away (we co-sleep). I am just hoping he will grow out of it - preferably in the very near future lol.

I agree with Krysalyss - it isn't your parenting style, just how your baby is. Forget the books, they are only a generalisation.

Actually, now that I think about it he did have a patch a few weeks ago where he seemed to need boobie in his mouth all night, but it didn't last very long.

Good luck, don't feel like you are doing anything wrong.

I know how you feel.At nearly 9 months of age, DS still wakes every 2-3 hours a night, mostly for feeds. It's crazy!!! DP and I are getting by, but only barely. I try and keep DS in my bed of a morning ( he sleeps in his cot at night), until at least 10am, but I can do this as I don't have any other children. He doesn't always sleep, but sometimes he does and that extra couple of hours rest is a god send.
With him currently teething, I think the pain of this has a lot to do with it.

I cringe when I hear people get upset because their baby wakes ONCE a night, adn that this makes them extremely tired and cranky. LOL If they could sleep a night in my house! hehe

I don't think there is much we can do, except let them grow out of it. I have been contemplating giving DS water at night, instead of bopbie to try and encourage him not to wake for a feed, but he's not going to do it for too much longer, and he loves boobie juice. We are just getting by night by night and trying to work around DS' sleeping ( or lack of) habits.

I agree with not taking the books too literally. It's good to get an idea of what CAN be 'normal' for other bubs, but they are all different and there can never be a book written that covers them all.

You are doing a great job:) Just follow your instincts and I'm sure your bubba will soon be the best sleeper ever:)

Good luck:)

A real gentle sleep book wouldn't have any suggestions or methods IMO. It would simply tell each mother to follow their instincts and do whatever works. Bad habits aren't formed. I guess it feels like a bad habit if you're not happy with it at the time, but usually we're made to feel unhappy with it because of other people's opinions on how our babies should be sleeping.

I don't believe a baby uses it's mother as a dummy... a baby uses a dummy as a breast. How can the real thing be a dummy? If your baby needs to suck, and you're happy to comply, then there is absolutely nothing wrong with feeding through the night. My DS fed through the night until about 15 months. I was pregnant by then, and I deliberately weaned him from the night feeds. If I hadn't been pregnant, we would have had many more months of night feeds I reckon. heh.

But it doesn't last forever. DS pretty much sleeps now, if he wakes he brings himself into us and goes to sleep (half the time I don't hear him come in, he's just there in the morning! LOL). He still feeds before sleeping, he fed to sleep for a loooooong long time, but now just has a feed before each sleep. I don't envision him doing this forever either, so I'm not worried :)

Just be happy knowing that you're meeting your son's needs and don't let other people (or books) put you off doing what works for you both. Sounds like you're doing a great job to me :)

Liz - I really admire your confidence in your parenting choices. I seriously wish I could take the same attitude because if I really, really look at what's bothering me, it's not getting up to feed him, it's everyone telling me that he shouldn't be feeding and should be sleeping through. That's not to say that I'm really looking forward to 8 hours of solid sleep again!

Oh sweet, I know how feeling all too well. You poor thing. Waking up all through the night is so exhausting and draining..then on top of that, you have all these mixed feelings about what you should be doing, what you are doing, what the book says, what you really want to do, what MIL says, what DH says...I could go on and on...!!!

I agree with people saying that books can sometimes be more trouble and confusing then what they are worth. But I do think that sometimes they can help just to give you different ideas.
Don't feel you need to do exactly what they say (if you don't want to), just mix and match which bits suit you and your bub. Then if something isn't happening the way you like, try something else. I don't believe that it's one way or the other, just whatever works for you.

Don't lose hope and think that what you are going through will last forever. Things will change, he WILL sleep for longer periods. But I really do feel for you, and know exactly how you are feeling. We have good weeks and not so good weeks in our house, but things are definitely improving as our DD gets older, so try and hang in there. And I think it is only in the last month that I feel fine about still doing night feeds/snuggles with my DD, as in I don't feel guilty and I don't care what anyone else thinks about what we are doing. And that feels great!

You may also find that some settling techniques (that don't involve boobie) might not work now, but may work a bit futher down the track. And IMO the other girls are right in saying that often it's just how the baby is, definitely not your fault.

Hang in there..

Willow - don't worry, I had my fair share of 'should I' and 'shouldn't I's" and people hounding me about feeding to sleep and night feeds. I basically told mum to stop telling me to use formula and to stop worrying about the night feeds coz it was me getting up, not her. MCHN's - well, I just didn't go to them LOL. Now, 2nd time around, having seen that DS didn't develop longterm habits from any of these things, I'm much happier just doing my own thing, and just nod & smile when ever someone has a comment to make about it. BB has been a saviour more than once too to help me feel confident in what I was doing.

Gentle sleep methods also feed the laziness in me too. I just couldn't be bothered trying to implement routines or anything. There were definitely times where controlled crying felt like it would be a quick fix, but those horrible times were usually later explained with teeth popping up or the like, and I was so glad I didn't use any non-gentle methods, the poor little darlin needed me!

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but those horrible times were usually later explained with teeth popping up or the like

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funny you mention that, I'm hoping that's what's going on here at the moment but obviously we won't know till a tooth pops up...or not! I was feeling really good about things, his sleep had improved so much especially during the day but my confidence has taken a knock in the last week because we seem to have taken a step backwards. Anyhoo, sorry to hijack Melody!

You have to read selectively - I got from the same two books that its OK to feed to sleep if you are happy to do that, if you don't want to feed to sleep, then here are suggestions to change the habit. However if a book makes you feel guilty or stressed, throw it out and if people make you feel guilty for your parenting choices, throw their opinions out (metaphorically speaking).

I'm with Liz, gentle methods are the best for lazy me!

Thanks for the great response! You all know how to make a gal feel a bit better about things. Really need to crash now, so can't reply to all the comments just yet - however...

Quote:
but those horrible times were usually later explained with teeth popping up or the like

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funny you mention that, I'm hoping that's what's going on here at the moment but obviously we won't know till a tooth pops up...or not! I was feeling really good about things, his sleep had improved so much especially during the day but my confidence has taken a knock in the last week because we seem to have taken a step backwards. Anyhoo, sorry to hijack Melody!

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I'm actually really glad you're sharing the same path as me atm! (well, not happy that you're going through it, but ...... oh, YKWIM). Hijack away! Anyway, I was just the same. Read Pinky's bk (had a bit of a spack-attack) then relaxed and found my groove with DS. Cruising along thinking it was great to feed to sleep, even after 20 mins of napping during the day (if it made him go a bit longer). Then he got the toothy-peg rumbles and started wanting to crawl and it's all gone haywire again! - this also coincided with reading the "No Cry Sleep Solution" bk.

An Aust. BFeeding Councilor once told me that babies are really busy little people. They have so much work to do - checking out the world, teething, tasting, using muscles they've never used before etc. It's a lot of work being a baby - no wonder they might need a bit of help winding down at the end of the day. And maybe, if he indeed is so busy, he needs a bit more boobie at night?? Or maybe we're just really yummy mummies ;)

You can probably tell, I'm feeling a tad better. Nice to know I'm not alone...

Just wanted to quickly say that, firstly, you're doing an awesome job tending to your little man and offering him what he needs (ie. you!). And secondly, while baby books are full of great advice and hints and tips and ideas and theories, and while you may find parts of them helpful, no-one has written a book about your baby. You know him best, and he knows you better than he knows anyone else, so it makes sense for the two of you to find your own little groove and go with the flow.

xox

Melody, :hug: hun, you are doing a fabulous job! I agree with the others, your baby's sleep has very little to do with you or anyone else, and everything to do with their temperament. You sound like a wonderful mum! Really, it's just a confidence thing, if we could all be confident about our choices we'd be alot happier!

When things are particularly tough, one thing I try to remind myself of is that this won't last forever. It always makes things seem easier, and sometimes makes me sad when I think that one day he won't want cuddles with his mum, let alone in bed with her LOL. So then I really try to make the most of it, poor child :rofl:

Willow, you are a WONDERFUL mummy! Should, shmould, please don't worry about what others think. You know, when people ask me if DS is sleeping through (and they're always assuming that he is :rolleyes:) I just 'no' in a tone that very clearly implies that I don't expect him to. If they seem bothered by that I just mention that as I'm the one who gets up to him, I'm not quite sure why anyone else cares. I know it's easier said than done, but honestly, L is YOUR baby and if you're happy to get up to him during the night (well, you know what I mean!), then that's great :) Keep up the good work girlfriend.

OMG it is so reassuring to read all this. My little three month DD has some nights where she'll feed a couple of times and wet her nappy maybe once, and then other nights (like last night) it's every two hours and about five nappy changes (after which she has to have a recovery feed to resettle).

I have the Pinky book - but I also have friends, my mother's group and my MCHN all telling me she should be feeding every three hours or hopefully only feeding once in the night. I don't know anyone else who is co-sleeping, and anybody who does know that she sleeps with us just says doomladen things like "You guys are making a rod for your own back."

I spend half my time feeling confident and happy about how we're approaching this whole parenting thing, and the rest of the time wondering about all the stuff people tell me about 'controlled settling' and how she should be 'learning to go to sleep on her own'.

I actually did the 'controlled settling' thing twice a few days ago, and although she slept I felt horrible/odd/strange about it. Once I thought about whether I would like to cry until I got too tired and just went to sleep, I decided that was not the way I was going to go. Poor little mite. Never again!

Melody - you're at the 10 month mark and are wondering all the same things as me! Thank you for posting - you're definitely not alone on this one!

:o)
Beth

Just reply - my rod, my back :)

DS fed through the night (and day) every 2 hours until he was 6 months. He is now more than 10 months and still feeds through the nights. He started to sleep really well during the night in January then teething messed things up. They are still messed up but I put that down to developmental spurts - crawling, cruising, almost walking, talking, fine motor skill development etc etc. He has changed and grown so much in the past few months that it is no wonder he needs extra feeds and a little extra comforting. We co-sleep when we need to (60:40 at the moment) and he will soon be a big boy and won't need me anymore :(

I am permanently sleep deprived and yet I wouldn't change a thing. He will sleep. And when he is a teenager and I am having trouble getting him out of bed, I can look back and know he is only catching up on the sleep he missed out on as an infant :rofl:

As for the *experts* and the *advisors* - pfft to them. You have a happy and healthy baby. Do what you feel is best for them and you.