this might be weird

Well first off the weird thing is im a male on this site but after the loss of our son to still birth because of placenta abruption i am trying to find out what my wife is going through i took the loss hard but this is really destroying her and our relationship all she wants is to push me away and say hurtfull things because she says that she doesnt want me to leave her as well im at my witts end and was wondering if any one has done similar things after there loss or should i just leave her be which is hard as i love her heaps and dont know what to do

neverumind

I really can't even began to imagine how much both of you are hurting and I don't know what advice to give you... I just wanted to say I'm so sorry for your loss. You obviously love your wife so much and I'm sure you'll get through together, one way or another.
Best of luck and you'll be in my prayers tonight

Hi,
Welcome to BB. Really sorry for the loss of your son. We all grieve so differently and your wife is just so emmotional right now. You sound very supportive which is exactly what your wife needs. I also had a stillbirth and I use to feel angry one minute to bawling my eyes out the next. You say things that you certainly don't mean, so just hang in there and be there for your wife.
I hope this can be of some help.
Dianne

thanks for the replies i will certainly hang in there no matter how hard it gets as i do love her very much and yes one minute she acts fine the next angy/crying i hope that we get past this cruel event i hate to see anyone hurting especially my wife

neverumind

hey there nevurmind...

i lost a baby girl, Zahra at 35 weeks in november 2006 due to a placental abruption. i got to a hospital, and she was still alive, just, i went straight in for an emergency c section... but we didnt get to her in time before my entire placenta broke away and i had massive internal bleeding.

sadly, zahra wasnt the first baby i have lost, i also lost a little boy at 18 weeks due to organ problems....
Was your baby a boy or a girl?? How far along was your wife??

Over the last 4 years i have suffered major emotional problems, and more often than not i took my pain out on my hubby... poor thing. I went through stages where i was uncomfortable leaving the house because i just didnt want to see anyone i knew and have to talk about how i was going etc... or about what happened to the baby.
I have been clingy, i over react at the drop of a hat, and for a looooong time i would fall asleep and wake up crying thinking about my lost babies....

My DH did his best to be there, but there were days when it didnt matter WHAT he did, it wasnt enough... i would turn on him and say awful things becuase - well i dont know why, it helped to let out that anger, and he was the only one i trusted enough to give it to, because i loved him so much and i knew he loved me and would stickw= with me till the pain went away.
As much as you care, you cant give her the only thing that will make her feel better... you cant bring her babies back, and eventually she will reaslise that no one can... and slowly that dark cloud will lift for her. It will take time though, and it is hard work, i still have morings or nights when my mind wanders and i have a cry, but i have figured out that i cant stay miserable forever, its not a nice feeling.
On the same token, i think its important that your loss is recognised... i have little ornaments and things we sit with Zahras Urn and we talk to her, and about her, and it is nice that she isnt forgotten and shoved aside like she never exsited, she is rememebred and missed.

My suggestion for your wife is to find the emotional support site on here and she can talk to me and other women who have been through this sad, sad experience. It is the only thing i found to help me through the last year and a hlaf, and its the only thing getting me through my pregnancy now.
Is she getting much support from family and friends???

I would just do your best to be there for her, and to cop what she needs to let out, cry with her, and just hold her and let her know that her pain is valid, she has every right to be sad!!! Eventually the tears do run dry, but she needs to cry them out.

I'm very sorry you are having to go through this, and i am glad for you both that you have reached out to try and find some help...

Take care, and i hope to meet your wife on here soon
StarBright

I'm so sorry for your loss.

All I can do is recommend that both you and your wife attend counselling. Talk to your GP and they should be able to refer you to someone. If your wife does not want to go, then go by yourself as it will be a great help in letting out the emotions that you may not want your wife to see. It may also help you find a way to help your wife through this awful time.

Again, my condolences.

Neverumind - I'm so sorry for the loss of your son, my heart and thoughts are with you. Its devastating to hear that someone else has had to go through this again. I too have been through this, my daughter was stillborn in February 2007 and as much as I wanted to be alone in the aftermath I also needed and am very thankful for the support of my fiance, my family and the bb ladies here. As much as I pushed and lashed out, he stayed by my side and I credit him for getting me through the past 15 months. As the other ladies have said men and women grieve differently and your wife may eventually see this through the dark clouds, and that you only want to be there for her, and are just as affected as she is, I only realised this through counselling, is there a sids and kids in your area you can make contact with, they have been an invaluable support to my fiance and I, they not only deal with death through sids but also prenatal deaths such as stillbirth. Starbright's suggestion of maybe letting her know of this website might be helpful, as I too credit this website in helping me get through, and sometimes seeing the blue sky through the clouds. Its early days for you yet and I pray and hope you both get through this as best you can, my heart goes out to you, thinking of you, your wife and your son.

neverumind - :hug: I am so sorry to hear of your loss. Unfortunately I've been through it twice myself.

I know at time's I've been ferocious with my poor DH, at times I've felt that he doesn't feel the grief as much as me - just because he didn't go through the physical aspect of the miscarriage/s. Although I know the baby we lost was just as much his and mine - 'ours'. We do talk about it and my DH is extremely placid so every time I've had a hormone rage he's just bit his tongue and let me go. I think it wasn't until we had a real good talk and I could see how much he was hurting too that I realised that it wasn't all about 'me' it was all about 'us' and that this cruel path life has sent us down is merely for us to build our strength together. Because God knows there will be trying times when we do finally have a healthy bub - sleepless nights, tantrums as they grow up and push boundaries etc.

I've tried professional help because at first I did not cope at all and just felt extreme anger towards everyone and everything. I went to a psychologist and found it a total waste of time and money (that's just my opinion if you feel professional help may help you then it's worth a try). It wasn't until then that I realised I had to help myself so I did - I just focussed on the things that made us happy pre-baby days like our house renovations, a holiday & gardening. I planed trees for our angel bubs. I've also found great support in here. I started a healthy eating & exercise plan (not to lose weight just to feel good about myself) - honestly the exercise helped sooo much with my mood swings, I was surprised.

I really really hope you can work together & not lose sight of the big picture - that is a healthy bub because it will happen for you. :hug: for you and :hug: for your DW.

Hi there neverumind, I am so sorry for the loss of your precious son. You are so wonderful for trying to help your wife at this very traumatic time of your lives, you have both been through a terrible experience which is so hard to understand. You need to hang in there & just be there for your wife, keep communicating together and hopefully you will both find the strength to somehow face each new day.......

Take care of each other and know you are in my thoughts.
Big hugs to you & your wife, Shell xo

Although I haven't experienced such a late loss I feel so much for you and your wife. When you say the words "for better or worse" no one could imagine that the worse part could be so bad....

So you're a bloke and I understand it make you feel better if you can "fix" things. If you want to be able to DO something (apart from the fact you are in here and seeking a way to help your wife - excellent stuff buddy), maybe you could hit the shops and find a beautiful angel crystal or statue - or a tattoo if you are that way inclined, something tangible to commemorate your sweet angel. Even buy a star?

Please introduce your wife to this site too, I'm sure she could benefit from the brilliant and compassionate support available.


We need more blokes here too, welcome to BB. I wish it was under happier circumstances. :hug:

Hi again and thanks for all your kind words and support i have a holiday planned for us on thursday and hopefully my wife will be able to enjoy herself while we are away our son jacob is always in our thoughts and i guess always will be my wife has decided to get councelling from a local councellor and i will be sure to introduce her to this very helpful site and hopefully i will get her to post a few words as well

thanks

Stick with it neverumind.

She may not know what she wants. I know I love my DH very much but am not sure what I want at the moment. I think all I want is for him to hug me and hold me and tell me he loves me. But that 's just me. Maybe your wife just wants some space - but this doesn't mean that she doesn't love you and it also doesn't mean that you should give up.

Do the woman thing (like I do keeping one eye on my favourite TV show and the other on the wondering toddler). Keep one eye on her and give her space if that's what she wants. Just be there when she finally decides she wants a hug.

LP.

neverumind,

I'm sure your wife is not pushing you away intentionally (sp?). My DF feels like I have done the same thing. But I didn't mean to, I was/am just so hurt, stressed, worried and want comfort, but nothing seems to help. All you can do is be there for her. Try not to put to much pressure on her. She will come to you eventually... Maybe just take her out for a romantic night or something, it will help her feel loved.... Just an idea.

Keep your chin up!! Good Luck!

neverumind
I'm so sorry for the loss of your sweet baby boy Jacob.

After my M/c in April last year I was a mess - I fought with my DH all the time - screamed at him and just felt lost. I didn't understand why my DH didn't grieve the same way as me.

What helped was speaking with women who had been through loss - I did this on line on sites like BB. The support on line is wonderful - anonymous - but wonderful. The other thing that helped me was to have a focus on a hobby, for me it meant learning guitar and having goals in mind with the guitar. I have also started Counted Cross Stitch and have projects on the go. The guitar and Cross stitch have provided a way of refocussing my time and thoughts.

DH and I are now closer than ever, he was and is persistent in telling me that he loves me no matter what - that was a big help for me. We have talked about how he felt at that time and how he has felt with subsequent m/cs. That has helped me to understand how he grieves and also he now has a better understanding about how I grieve.

I am glad your wife is going to the counsellor - please remember that there needs to be a 'connection' between your wife and her counsellor - it's not a matter of 'one size fits all'. If she doesn't like her counsellor please find another one. There is also an organisation called SANDS which could be of help.

:hug::hug:
Snowie