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Kelly, big hugs to you. It must be so hard to find that out, but I think in time you will be glad to at least have the answer. I am sure that your DS's unsettledness has nothing to do with those first weeks, and I do think that it's good that you tried as hard as you could - now you won't have the regret of wondering if you could have made it work if you'd tried harder.
The trouble with mummy guilt is that it kicks in no matter what you do. You sound like a devoted and caring mummy and I am quite sure that you're doing a great job with your DS. Bfing is just one part of nurturing a child and I am sure that you make up for not bfing in lots of other ways. I hope you feel better soon. You are doing an awesome job. Be kind to yourself hun. There is nothing wrong with you, you are no less of a mummy. You are unlucky, that's all, but there are far worse things to be!
:hug: You've made an amazing effort to overcome an insurrmountable hurdle - you should be really really proud of yourself.
Now that you have the answer as to why you couldn't make it work you can get on with enjoying your baby.
You've nothing to feel guilty about - you did the best you could and no baby can ask for more of it's mama.
Hi,
Your pain and frustration with this situation are evident. You have been through a difficult time. it's not surprising you would be devestated. But what is also evident is what a thoughtful and knowlegeable mum you are. You have really sought to explore and find out exactly what was going on with your body and your baby, and while it is really painful now, I believe it will stand you and a future baby in good stead. You will have the opportunity to learn and reflect over the time between now and when you have your next baby. Talking about it with supportive people is a great way of dealing with it.
This is my take on it: I hope it doesn't cause you any more pain. Breast hypoplasia is very rare. It just means that your breasts have not developed glandular tissue properly. It would be difficult to know why. However, as your case describes, it is unusual that mothers make no milk at all. However, it can be difficult for mothers and health professionals to work out "how much" milk they can make - especially with a first baby. Insufficient development can be hard to diagnose. Most small breasts make milk fine.
Many people have a body part that "doesn't do it's thing". However, most people compensate for it, and are very glad that drugs/treatments etc are availble to help compensate. My lungs don't work properly (asthma) Sometimes I've had to supplement them with oxygen. I take drugs every day to keep going, and feel it when I don't. But I don't fee guitly, and don't feel particularly annoyed with my body. I believe breasts are just another body part. For most people they work fine - sometimes they need supplementation. When that happens, it is just a fact of life, and no guilt should be attached. I believe that the fact that breasts are treated 'differently" is because we have largely lost out understanding of how breasts work and even the perfectly good one are 'supplemented" for no reason.
What you were able to supply was really valuable for your baby. Has a Dr or LC diagnosed your problem. Before you have another baby, I would recommend seeing a good LC fact to face and make a plan for breastfeeding your baby. If you don't want to "go there again" that's fine. But breastfeeding is so more than a quantity of milk. Most mums with your condition find that they grow more glandular tissue with each lactation - you may well do a bit better with your next child. Many women use a supplemental nursing system at the breast to supplement their baby - this keeps the baby "at the breast". Other mothers breastfeed at each feed, but give their baby 1 or 2 or 3 full bottles per day (whatever they need) rather than top up at every feed.
A breastfeeding problem that can't be overcome? Well, maybe or maybe not. Depends on your perspective.
I'm not sure how old your baby is now. I do believe that what happens in the first days/weeks can affect us profoundly. But I do believe that loving and sensitive parenting can heal. Your baby sounds like a pretty normal (though maybe sensitive!) baby. Once again, time will give you a perspective on what type of person he is.
Look after yourself
Regards
Barb