Am I a horrible daughter?

To make a long story short, I am not entirely happy with the way I was brought up which only really came out once I had DS. My mum is a person who is down alot and worries about everything. She is going for an operation to help her eye sight in a couple of weeks time and frets about it to me every time I talk to her. I have been dealing with PND and have become quite angry that I have alot of crap to deal with from my upbringing. I don;t feel like I have any practical emotional support from my family.

I've started to disconnect from my parents and simply don't have the energy for them. I've been brought up to think that I owe my parents for what they did for me and this means I need to constantly call up, be there for them and one day my mum will live with us (age not really coming into it). I feel like I haven't had much in return, she does mind DS but only when I've asked and now can't obviously because she isn't well. I have lost all perspective on this and don't know how much to give or am I being totally selfish? My dad is another kettle of fish that will take me awhile to forgive and forget what has happened in the past. Can anyone shed some light on this as I am soooo confused!

Hi Jan!

I'm sorry your mum is unwell- and i dont really have that exact delema with my family- but i dont get along very well with most of my family-

Sorry- huge rant coming up.....all my life i have felt like the odd one out- and the older i got and the more independant decisions i made- the more i felt like i just didnt fit in with them at all- and that partly that it was my fault- but that also partly it was theirs. I felt like i was always the one making an effort to fit in with them- yet they never made the effort to be part of MY life on MY terms- if that makes sense.

It took loosing my babies to make me realise that i dont HAVE to bow to them- just because they are my "family" - a real family shows support and unconditional love- and they didnt show any of that for me when i was going through the worst experiences of my life- they thought it was still my position to accomidate them and their needs- and it took this horrible experience for me to realise- hey no- i need to think about ME and my FAMILY right now- and i couldnt just let them get away with making me feel like i dont have a right to feel how i feel.

So long story short, i havent spoken to my dad since i got upset by something he said and instead of holding it in- smiling and pretending it didnt hurt me- i told him what he said upset me, and he hasnt spoken to me since- that was just before christmas last year. As for my two sisters- their husbands apparently dont like my husband- so we dont talk. I see my brother occassionally - but we dont bring up any unpleasant things- and the only one i still have contact with (quite regularly- talk everyday) is my mum- who left my dad about 10 years ago- we have both been outed from the "family"- but in my opinion- i am ok with that (mum still wishes for more contact with my sisters and brother- i can understand that as they are her children- but they treat her soooooo badly- even she is getting to the point where she cant stand being treated like dirt anymore either) and i consider that me and my mum are more of a family then they are anyway. Even if its just us.

So our family has a huge devide- my mum and me- and my dad and my sisters and brother- and while some people may think its bad- i feel like sadly i am better off without them- they are not nice- they do not show love or support- so i feel they are the ones missing out- not me.

I hope this little ramble helps you a bit- to at least feel like your not THE worst daughter in the world- coz i am sure if you ask my dad- he will say i am!!!

I guess i am trying to say- dont feel bad for putting YOUR needs first- if they arnt going to - someone has to.

Take care
SB

Thanks so much. I am so sorry about the loss of your two precious babies. I can only imagine the sadness and journey you have been through. Families can be bery complicated can't they. How hard is it to be there for one another? That is just ridiculous that your family wouldn't acknowledge your feelings at a time when you needed them more than ever. I can'e take on all of their crap at the moment because I don't have the energy. But I feel bad that it has come at a time when my mum needs me. I don't think she means to be insensitive and she has done the best that she could, but like you I feel too different from her and my dad, and don't fit in with what they think I should say or do. I hate the expectations too. I feel better about backing off because of what you have said and thanks to you :)

Jan

i'm in a very similar situation in that the way i was bought up was something i just can't get over. like you, my relationship with my dad will never be repaired. too much water under the bridge. my relationship with my mum is on a very unstable footing at the moment. she is, and always has been, an emotionally abusive person. if things didn't go her way, she'd resort to manipulating us, even as children. threats that dad would "deal with us" when he got home, threats that she'd OD when things weren't going her way when we were teens. i started to break away from them around when i was in my late teens (went to uni in another state to get away from them) but due to ill health of my grandfather, i came back "home" to care for him and fell back into the situation where i was being manipulated, used, and taken for granted. after DH and i got together, both of my parents said some pretty horrific stuff, and DH was the one that has helped me to make a "break" of sorts. i still have contact with them - always will i guess - but i refuse to be manipulated any further. my parents have pretty drastic health issues, all of their own making - and i refuse to let them play on my guilt when things get bad. if they have a specialist appt, i usually know the outcome - but i refuse to be accountable for their health issues, refuse to pander to their "woe is me" mentality. i know to people not in my family, i probably seem like a heartless cow - but that's not the case at all - i've had to shift the focus to MY family - even though there are only two of us at this point. we're more important. i can empathise with my parents, show concern - but i refuse to feel that it is my responsibility to "take care of them".

starbright - i'm in a very similar position with things coming to a head when we lost our first angel. my parents reaction, particularly my mother, was about THEM and how OUR lost impacted them. even 3 years on, i'm yet to hear anything more than how THEY lost another grandchild. it's obvious that they can't accept the fact that they don't have control over my life - and so they make as much as possible about them. the most sympathetic comment i've had after 2 years of assisted conception and four miscarriages is "keep your chin up"....

Jan - you have to focus on your nuclear family now - yes, you can be there for your parents in the capacity of daughter, not their carer - you don't owe them anything. you owe your child your full attention - and your parents need to learn that you have a life outside of what they expect of you. give them only that part of you that you can spare from the needs of your nuclear family - and don't let them make you feel guilty about not being there for them 100%. they birthed a daughter to grow and become an independent woman with a life of her own and that's what you need to do. don't ever feel guilty about being your own person.