Just a vent...

Hi all,

I just feel at the moment like i need to get what Im feeling out there. Basically Jan 07 i had an unsuccessful pregnancy - it was a blighted ovum. DH is in the army and was overseas when we found out we were pg, he was flown home to be with me for the D&C.
The pregnancy was unexpected but so welcome. We were both so happy and excited, then it was all gone. We started trying again in March 07, and concieved Oct 07. We were very excited again, but also more cautious. We did everything by the book and were fairly confident this time things would be OK. In Dec DH left for another overseas deployment. 3 weeks later, 2 days before Christmas, I started bleeding. I ended up having the D&C that day. We were 10wks pg, with the baby measuring 7wks.
Now DH is due home from his deployment in a fortnight and he is really desperate to try again. I know i want to try again too, but I cant help being apprehensive. Since we lost our second baby 2 of my SILs have had babies, and one of them is pg again. One of my best friends is also pg, and so many ladies at my work are at various stages of pg.
I hate that i cant hear abotu someone being pregnant, in the early stages, without wondering, and alsmost wishing, they would go thru what I did so they'd understand. And i feel so guilty for that, because i know that i wouldnt wish m/c on anyone. I think its more about being less alone. We have 6 nieces and nephews so far and are the only ones in DHs family without kids.
one of my SILs in particular THINKS she's being supportive by telling me not to think about it as having had 2 miscarriages, because really we just had one m/c and one horrible experience. That doesnt help. For us, both pregnancies represented our family. Just because one was a blighted ovum doesnt make it any easier.

So, basically, when DH gets home we've decided to 'not' not try, if that makes sense. If it happens, it happens. We're not going to tell his family because they make it so much harder.

Sorry for the ling winded stuff, i just really had to get it all out, helps sort it out in my head anyway! If anyone has any advice for anything, feel free :)

Bec

Sorry to hear about your losses. *hugs*

I know exactly how you feel! Especially the "kind of wishing it would happen to someone else so they knew what it felt like"....and feeling guilty for feeling that!! It's normal I reckon and you are probably right, it's about being less lonely. M/C can be a very lonely place.:( It is sooo hard being around other pg women as well.

I have also had 1 blighted ovum at 8 wks, an early m/c at 5 wks and a late m/c at 19 wks.But I have also gone on to have to beautiful boys so please know there is light at the end of the tunnel :)

Amout the in-laws: we didn't tell ours until 7 mths pg!!! Definately made coping easier for me that way anyway.

Best of luck with your not 'not' trying...hope it all goes smoother for you from now on.:)

Thanks WaterLilly... That whole light at the end fo the tunnel is so important! As absolutely ridiculous as it is, sometimes you just feel like you're the only person to go thru it, just because nobody else in your family or friends have been thru it.
I know DH is forever optimistic about our next pregnancy, and I just go thru phases really. Some days i really can see us with our baby, other days i cant imagine it happening at all. I can imagine finding out we're pregnant, and can imagine the next D&C - not very hopeful I know!
3rd time's the charm, right?! Hahaha!

Bec it's so hard, isn't it. :hug: for you.

Hey Bec, you let it out girlfriend!
We do sadly understand your frustration. On my 30th birthday in March I discovered we were preg after nearly 2 years of trying. Sadly at 11 weeks I felt like something was wrong and u/s showed that my bub had passed away only a few days before. My DH was away too and so I faced it on my own. The bub was too big to m/c and I didn't want to deliver it at home so opted for D/C instead. A good friend of mine is due 2 weeks bofre I would have been and even though I'm happy for her when i noticed her belly had popped it was all I could do to stand and carry on the conversation rather than walk away and cry. My mum in her non-experience of mc told me I couldn't be sad for ever (this is a normally fantastic mother too). I was so angry at her for being more concerned with everyone else around me and how I was affecting them...it was probably good I'm 600km away.
I'm exactly the same as you. Just can't any longer get past the expected sad bit and it's definitley taken the fun out of TTC. We have told everyone we aren't going to try again, and in my heart that's how I feel, even though I know we will...DH like your's is keen and optimistic.

God sorry that was a ramble, just to say 'I understand'. Sorry. I have no advise except to stick around here. The women here are supportive and understanding. Vent away too.

:hug:

PS thanks for letting me have my little vent. I've not typed it before.

Hey Kim,
Glad you got ur chance to vent too! Its surprisingly helpful I think! One of my SILs (DH has 3 sisters!) actually suggested i get onto a forum. She's wonderful, and openly admits she has no understanding about what we've been thru, but is so supportive whatever way she can be.

As it gets closer to DH getting home from Iraq I'm getting more excited about the idea of trying again, and trying not to think about the worrying side of it all! Last night, i was babysitting my 3 nephews - 4, 18mths, 2mths. It was actually the first time i've ever had to look after a baby under 1 on my own! It was really good for me I think. It was almost like a 'practice' to see how I went feeding and getting a baby to sleep and all that stuff. It really helped me accept the fact that, yes, i DO want to try again, even if it means more heartache - it would be worth it for the chance at having a baby. I think for a little while I've been too scared to admit to myself I do want to try again. And when DHs older sister asks when we're trying, I am trying not to get so defensive! I just dont like them knowing we're going to be trying, because its so much pressure!

My family have been supportive in their own way - Im in QLD and they're in Tas, and they dont pretend to have any magic cures, which i apperciate. DHs family, who all live very close by, are generally OK, but sometimes a bit insensitive, if not dismissive of how we feel. I think its harder with DH's family, because they all have kids - we have 3 nieces and 3 nephews, aged from 4yo to 2mths! And DHs youngest sister is pg now, and only had her first baby in Jan...

Aaaah...families...!!!

bec,
sorry to hear of your losses but i wanted to tell you there is light at the end of the tunnel my sister had 10 m/c and she gave birth to a healthy boy in aug 07 im not saying it was a easy pregnancy for her she was on bedrest for the whole time and was in and out of hospital with bleeding etc. are you seeing a fertility specialist? she found out she had a weak cervix and i think problems with and antibodies attacking the baby. im not sure what to say but i do know it can happen and :pray: it does for you.:hug:
take care and best wishes rach xxxxx:hug:

Bec,
I'm sorry you are going through this, i understand. I went to my nephews first birthday party directly after leaving hospital from the d&c. Words cant describe.
Also, before getting pregnant i had bumped into an old work aquaintence and we had an impromtu chat about us both wanting to have kids - it was an unusual conversation for us to be having, and later I was told she had fallen pregnant I was so happy because so had I. The next time I saw her, I wasn't pregnant anymore, and she had this tiny little belly and everyone was talking about it - it was so hard to hold back the tears and pretend to be happy - i mean I was, but so regretful at the same time, so sad, angry. I managed to congratulate her genuinely and also managed to leave unnoticed, but not before the tears, I heaved into sobs as I pushed the door to leave, ran to the car.

A year later i was at another worksite, co-incidently working closely alongside her husband. She brought her DS in after work. Even though i could play with him and chat with them, something inside broke. I had told none of my work aquaintences about the pregnancy, and I didn't even tell my housemate who I occasionally worked with - we fought soon after the MC when my dog escaped from the backyard and I diddn't find out until she had got home - I lost my mind then - first the baby, then the dog . . .!!!!

So this year later, and I'm working with the husband and my old housemate, and this thing inside me broke as I held him. I had no idea what it was, but at the end of a long long night, I sat with my old housemate and finally cried, I let the tide rip and I told her about how I'd concieved at the same time as "_", and how I had a MC and how that all tied in with me leaving our house and the dog getting lost, and now I meet her DS coz I'm working with her DH and . . . OH my GAD!!!!

It sounds all really crazy, but it all makes sense in the end. you might not see it now but life has this incredible tendancy to be poetic. I wish you all best, and heart-felt love and to your two angel babies too

Oops, I just read it back, and I missed the bit about how incredible it felt after my housemate and I had talked. We cried and held eachother and I didn't feel BETTER per se, but I felt differently. The world changed - not for the better - but for the clearer IYKWIM. Time is a great healer, and THATS what had happened, I had healed from the experience - yeah sure I wish I never HAD the experience! It never goes away, but neither does the understanding that life/time gives you. I have 2 angel babies also, I see them as siblings of my DS, they will never leave us. They are incredible gifts for my DS!:hug:;)

So sorry to hear about your losses!

I have found myself feeling the same way and then feeling so guilty about it! The last time I flew home to visit family, I was still bleeding from my m/c while on the airplane, and trying to put on a happy smile at Christmas but sneaking into the bathroom to cry. Now we're going home for another visit and my two SILs are pregnant and my best friend. I worry about how I will feel when I see them. I want to only feel joy at their blessings, but it is so complicated.

My DH was in the military as well, I know how hard it is to be seperated, especially during such a hard time. My DH was out of town when I m/c and it was heartbreaking for both of us and harder still to be apart. I'm so happy to hear your DH will be home with you again soon. Enjoy every minute together! Good luck to you!

:hug: Bec - i can not beat what the other ladies here have already said - they're wonderful words!

All i have to add is: when your dh comes back, go on a nice little trip somewhere away from the rest of the family!

preferably somewhere cold with a nice little wood fire to cosy up too...

& dont forget to bring along some prg vitamins like blackmores conceive well, good food & wine... & just enjoy each other!

That sounds like a really good plan...!!! Hahaha! It will be wonderful having him home, Im just trying not to think about the whole TTC thing too much and just be happy he's home, not just for his baby making capabilities!!!
I've started on the pg vitamins now im preparation tho, since we're not 'not trying' u never know :) I must say tho, its not hte falling pg that stresses me out, its staying pg. Both times we fell pg really easily, really - once we got our timing right and were in teh same country and state at the right time! I hate that this has really tainted the possibility of us being unreservedly excited about being pg, and i hate that now its always in my mind - just because u get that positive test doesnt mean you'll have a baby'. I feel way too cynical for my liking!!!
2 weeks today and he's home...AF is just leaving, so it could be possible to get utd his first night home!!! Im not thinking about that tho...! Hahaha!

Thanks so much ladies for all of your kind words and support. Its really comforting hearing from other ppl who have been thru it, and worse even :(

Hi ladies,
Just wanted to add to my previous posts -feeling very very guilty right now, my SIL, who i adore, and is 9wks pg with her second baby has just told me she's had some 'suspicious' spotting. What she has described to me is exactly how my last m/c happened, but even tho I had that part of me wished it would happen to someone else, now its possible, I do not want them to go thru what we did. She has a 5mth old DD to look after already, and even tho this pg wasnt exactly planned, yet, it was so precious to them.
My stomach is aching with guilt for even thinking i wanted someone else in the family to know how this feels. I know whatever happens its not got to do with me, but YKWIM. At the same time, if nothing happens, Im not sure how i'll deal with that. If they go thru the same stuff we did, but get to have their baby, I know that will still feel unfair. Does any of this make any sense whasoever or am i just an AWFUL person?!

Hi Bec,
I've never posted here before but I really do belong in here too. I too have suffered 2 losses and I know your pain so well. I mainly post in the LTTTC and assisted conception thread. I'm sure we've chatted in there before. But today is my 4th last day in the TWW thread so I'm going a bit crazy and snooping round. Probably like a lot of ladies here I belong in many threads really!!

So...your feelings of guilt today. I know what you are going through. You really don't want your SIL to m/c but you just feel like why is it always you who has to go through the pain. I get that. I've had friends pg and give birth since my time TTC and boy are you filled with mixed emotions. Happiness for them, jealous it isn't you. Questioning why you have had to suffer twice when these people have just fallen pg so easily and often not planned.

Do not beat yourself up. The mind plays funny games and I'll tell you this last few weeks my own head has been driving me crazy! Seriously crazy!

Cut yourself a bit of slack. You aren't a bad person. You just want to fall pg and have that mean that a healthy baby will be in your arms in 9 months..I get it.

Maybe I'll post here a bit more. Sounds like this could be my home too!!

Take care of yourself and your heart
Hugs Bel:hug:

Hi Bel,
Thanks so much for your post! Its reassuring to know that other ppl understand what Im feeling! It sure is hard for me to even understand how i really feel about it all half the time! I think the last 2 bubs in the family, plus this pg really affected me more than I woudl normally let it because DH is away in Iraq - less than 2 weeks til he's home now tho, so once he's back it might get better. At least then i wont have the frustration of wanting to TTC, but not having DH in teh same country! Its amazing how all the little things combine with the huge things, and it ends up being the little things that really play on your mind...

I totally agree with the jealousy thing. Thats something i even have trouble admitting to myself tho. For some reason Im not comfortable labelling it as jealousy - but thats really what it is!

Bel i really hope you get your BFP, i have my fingers and toes crossed for you! I hope the TTC after m/c and loss doesnt become your home - I hope you get to move waaaay past here very soon :)

Again, thanks so much for your words, it really does help!
Bec
xx

Hi Bec- I plan to be moving on from the TTC area after Wednesday!!! Geez I've got everything crossed. This has been a long and hard journey.

My DH is away all the time for work too so I know how hard it is to be at home on your own and to feel the desperation as you can't even TTC when he's not around. We moved on to IVF 8 months ago now as I lost a tube due to an ectopic pg and while that for me is just another ridiculous amount of stress, it did happen to take the desperation out of not being together when I o'd. I wish we could conceive naturally still but unfortunately this must have been what was planned for us. Am not angry about it. Just thankful I have the opportunity to access IVF.

No more feeling guilty or like a bad person...you are very normal

Hugs Bel

I am sitting here nodding frantically while I read your postings... I had my second m/c 6 weeks ago at 10 weeks both times. I feel completely alone as no one within my family or network of friends have experienced anything like this and no one knows what to say to me - in fact they behave really uncomfortable around the subject - especially those who have children as they visibly feel guilty to have been "fortunate". I have often day dreamed about some of my friends having similar problems so that I wouldnt feel so alone and so much like a "freak"... but then I feel so incredibly guilty as I wouldnt wish this on anyone. I just hate feeling like I'm the only one and I keep wondering "why me?"... what have I done "wrong" - am I being somehow punished for previous bad things I may have done... I know it sounds crazy but I dont know how to make peace with what has happened .... I am so scared about trying again and the fear of it happening a third time... or even worse the fear that we may never be able to have our little baby. This possibility just seems so incredibly horrible I cant even contemplate it.

Anyway I suppose forums like this can help people who feel alone after these experiences... I'm glad it exists, as its the only thing giving me some comfort and hope at the moment.

Oh Carly, huge hugs to you! Im glad you could see your own experiences in mine, makes u feel less awful and along i think! Its just awful going thru it, and the emotions that follow that you dont necessarily expect...Its tough all right...
I really understand the fear and uncertainty you feel, and I wish there was a magic pill to make it all better! All we can do is ask ourselves - how much do we want to become a mum? Enough to potentially hurt like this again and again? Once I was able to answer that, I could face trying again I think...

Anyway, these forums are really wonderful for sharing your experiences and fears, and everything that goes along with it, even if you just stalk!!!

Hugs Carly, It will get a little easier, even tho it is always with you...