Opinions required:Mother returning to work with 1 month old

Hi Ladies,
I think the common thread of this message is Mothers Guilt!!
I am due to have my third baby in late november. I have just returned back to work and have been in the same career for years and I love it. Hence i would consider myself very carreer driven. I do get paid quite well and enjoy the material benefits it brings to the family with me working.
I have always returned to work within 6 months of the birth of my other two. So expressed and worked and still breastfed for another couple of months. But thats while i was married and had support.
Things are a little different this time as i find myself in the unfavourable position of having three children and being a single mum.
So i'm thinking of changing my tack this time but feel very torn.I can put bubby in creche from one month of age.I dont see that working,expressing,breastfeeding and managing a family is going to work. i just cannot stretch myself in that many directions.So I'm thinking if this is the choice to return to work i will put bub straight on formula to save myself the discomfort of my milk coming in and to save the baby any nipple breast confusion. I do really enjoy breastfeeding but it is demanding,especially at the start.So my question is IS IT SELFISH OF ME TO WANT TO GET STRAIGHT BACK TO WORK SO THAT WE CAN ALL HAVE MORE FINANCIAL FREEDOM?Or is it better for the baby for me to be their everything and return to work after 6-12 months. I do respect all of your opinions so much and am eager to here the good and the bad. so please dont sugar coat things for me-I'm a big girl. Thanks so much for taking the time to read;and if you have the time your opinions would be sincerely valued.

I think you will find it hard & might feel guilty.
Could you return part time for a few months? Or just a few days a week?
Centerlink does have payments, though they are not much if you want a bit more time.
It is totally up to you. It is up to how you are going to feel about the time you are missing with your baby.

I am a person who had kids to raise my kids though. I didn't have them to go to work & let someone else get all the first smiles, laughs, steps. Etc.
I do envy all the women who do go back to work to provide the best for their kids, but emotionally I can't. Casual maybe, not yet though. Full time I might be able to do after 2 years, but not before then.

I am in a very different situation to you though.

Skye- your statement: "I do envy all the women who do go back to work to provide the best for their kids" goes very much against what I believe in. I have made the choice to stay home fulltime with my DD and I am doing this because a) I want to, b) I think this is THE best way that I can provide for my child. Going back to work provides financially but were are forgoing a new house/renovations, overseas trips, a new second car, designer clothes, meals out etc etc so that we can bring up our child ourselves and according to our values/ideals/philosophies. It is a choice we have made.
What does a child want?? A warm, safe, secure and loving parent/s and home. Pollyanna I think you know the answers to your questions. The things a child needs most can't be bought or paid for with money. I think a parent at home with a baby for minimum 12 months, ideally 3 years is the greatest gift you can give your child, so much more valuable than any material goods. You are laying the foundations for your child's future in the first 3 years- mentally, emotionally, physically and spiritually. If you can be there for your children, do so. What are you achieving by working- a healthy bank balance. Does baby care about this? No. Does baby want a parent around and know that they can trust that parent in those critical months/years? Yes.
This is my opinion, as asked for. I don't wish for an argument!

pollyanna,

This is such a difficult personal decision to make. :hug:

I am a single mum. I do not work. I am on benefits. We have almost nothing in terms of material wealth, no car, rented home, very few new clothes (DD gets new shoes always), no holidays etc. etc. BUT this is what i wanted. I do not believe there is another person on the planet (apart from XP) who loves DD as i do or can raise her like i can. Lots of people say to me "oh it must be so nice to have the luxury of staying home" - i just walked 3 miles to and from the doctors, in the rain, with DD in a hand-made meitai on my back, because the bus is too expensive and her stroller was very cheap and a little too low to push for long journeys (i'm very tall). I'm not complaining, but i have made BIG sacrifices to do this, i have an MA and could earn well if i worked, but i can't think of anything i'd rather have than DD in my arms. Luckily i'm INCREDIBLY good with money, one more point in frugality and i'd be Midas himself! So we do ok. My childcare options are poor around here too, FDCers all CC, do not sling-wear, don't use gentle discipline etc. My nearest nursery takes its kids into town every day. They sit outside shops in their fleet of buggies while all-but-one of the carers shop :( I don't believe a 17-year-old with an NC in childcare will care as well for DD as i can.

On to yourself...it is scary being a single parent, i REALLY understand that. And you know some people DON'T enjoy being one-on-one with a kid all day, and in their lack of enjoyment the kid has less fun too. If that's the case for you, if you feel better working where you feel more happy/challenged and choosing someone else to care for DD, that's also a perfectly reasonable way to do things. You could work part time at first? You've got kids already, so you probably know how you felt about leaving your baby with someone. I couldn't have left DD with anyone when she was a month old for more than 10mins (her father) or at all (everyone else). She is 26months and i STILL haven't left her with anyone but my dad (once, for 40mins) and her own dad (for his access overnights).

As to the breastfeeding etc... Your milk comes in in response to your placenta no longer being there. It will come in no matter what you do, and will probably still leak for at least 2-3 weeks, even if you never feed. My SIL has 2 kids, NEVER fed, not even one feed, and still has milk now, 18months after #2 was born. From the POV that ANY breastmilk is good for the baby, i would BF from birth. Once you return to work things might change, but wait and see on that count. If you find pumping isn't working out then you can switch to formula, but a month of breastmilk is certainly better than no breastmilk.

Another thought i had is that i would never put a 1 month old into creche care. Babies NEED a bond with their carer, and FOR ME FDC would be the only realistic option - someone your baby can get to know really well and rely on. Staff can leave the BEST of creches, and you personally don't get to choose the person who cares most for your DD. With a FDC (preferably one who doesn't have too many masses of kids already) you get someone who can REALLY care about things like the first smile, first giggle, first rolling over etc. In a creche the carers might miss these things, as they have joint responsibilities for many kids. To me the atmosphere in creche is perfect for older kids (15month+) but just not ideal for little babies. If it were my decision to make, and i HAD decided to go back to work, i would find an FDC who would really genuinely LOVE my baby like i do, and form that strong bond with them that they so desperately need at that age. The way a tiny baby works, being away from the person they are bonded to for 8-10 hours a day is not feasible - the only option is to find a second "mummy" who makes them feel as safe and secure as you (the real mummy) does.

Bx

I would love to be a SAHM, but can't. Or rather, I could if I were willing to have DH walk out, lose our home and have a very upset son. I balance it up and I'm back at work. We can't really afford for me to work, what with childcare costs, but I do (ha, leaving soon though... to do another better paid job). I've walked to the doctors with a flood on by the pond, mile there and back only though, with DS in a sling with whiplash and no pushchair... I'd still rather do that than work! But I will not sacrifice my husband for that. That would adversely affect DS more than me going back to work, IMO.

DS's childcare centre don't control cry, the kids are all happy (even DS the first time I left him, he who was a super-clingy baby), the carers are great and are all monitored by webcam the parents can log onto every minute of the day if they so wish, I wouldn't swap it for the world. There's a playground/park right outside the door and the kids play there when it's a quiet day (quite often there are just 6 children and 4 carers on Mondays and Fridays). But they wouldn't take a one-month-old.

By financial freedom do you mean keeping the house where your children are settled, eating, paying bills? Or do you mean new clothes every week and holidays? If it's the former, I would say that going back to work early would be the best option. I dunno, only you know what level of finances are your option. I'd want to stay with my baby as long as possible, and I did, but if "as long as possible" for you is one month don't feel guilty. Yes, I'd want more time at home with DS, but it isn't happening, so no guilt, it's not worth it. Only you know what's best for your family.

Choose baby - you can go back to work later. JMO. Look you CAN take a drop in income for 6 months, you really can. I managed well, and although after 2 years its got stupid when it comes to sacrificing I haven't regretted it. I'm dying to get back to work and get some good money coming back in - I love being able to support my family too and I don't have a choice either so lucky I'm looking forward to it! Really, if you have always worked hard, you will be able to take a lower income for 6 months or so, and you will be able to go back and pick up where you left off.
Also I knew that DD was my last baby and single or not, I was making the most of the last baby days. 1 month old is so young when it comes to daycare. No matter how great the carers may be, they wont be YOU!

Pollyanna,

Before having Noah I was so strong in my opinions no c/s, only bf, stay at home etc etc. But now having had major supply issues (that were true supply issues not helped by supplements etc I ended up ff from about 3months at the advice of a lactation consult) and also now being a doula and seeing so many women single, married, breastfeed, bottlefeed, vbac, vb, cs and also just a bit wiser and older I have realise that there are many ways of being a good mother and parenting well!

No one is the perfect mum we could all be better in some way. For DH and I we have decided that I will stay home, we well mainly I have suggested I work (I am a new doula so that is bringing in some money but as it is working for myself not a steady guaranteed income and I only take on 1client per month) but DH has said no he doesn't want me working and he doesn't even want to discuss it, and so as I want to be a SAHM I am going to go with him on this one. So that's our personal decision but we are the ones that live with it!

I can definitely also understand that for some women working gives them what they need to be the best mums they can be! So personally the truth is could i do what you are saying no but do i think it is ok for someone else to do, yes.

Ultimately either way there is going to be sacrifice so you just have to decide which is the one you can best handle and work into your life? And just truly make the decision that works best for you...people have there opinions and we all have to live with the effects of our choices and therefore only we can make them!

Pollyanna, ultimately you will do what you feel is best for you and your family, and no matter what that is you are likely to feel stretched and torn - part of the territory of parenting alone.

I just want to ask whether you have considered the full continuum of choices - it seems like 'staying home for 1 month and FF' is the only option you have thought about. However, maybe 2 or 3 three months is an option, or returning to work for a day or two a week after 6 weeks before resuming longer working hours later. Perhaps you could breastfeed for the early weeks and then introduce comp formula once you start working.

I understand you are trying to find the line of least resistence, in terms of making your life as workable as possible. I believe there is a middle road where you can balance the desire to stay at home and breastfeed and the desire to work and provide for your family.

I wish you strength and peace with whatever decision you make.

I am not sure where to start with this one!

You are in a hard spot arent you!

I personally was SAHM with #1 untill she was 14months and then had #2 and was home for only 3 months but i was only working 1-2 days a week and my DP was able to take a day off and have them one of the days and my mum or sister the other.

THings have changed though and now they are in ccare 1 day a week and love it!
I personally love my work too and it was never an option of me (within myself) to stay at home, i love my 2-3 days at work (most of he time) but would not be able to bring myself to work fulltime. My SIL is preg at the moment and plans on going back to work f/t after 6 weeks and i just cant understand why she would want to go full time - like someone else said- I wouldnt want other people seeing all my kids firsts and essentially bringing my babies up with their routines etc and not mine! I want to be there for atleast some of them!

What do you do for work? Is there an option for p/t?
I completely understand that you may NEED to work and you LOVE your work but I think the ideal thing for you and the kids IMO (especially since being a single mum) would be to find a way of doing it part time.
This way you will get your days of adult conversation and the money and also be doing something you absolutely love.

Best of luck on making your decision - its a hard one but atleast you have time to do so!

You've already got some great advice so I'll be quick. I would just suggest that you explore all the options available and if you decide to go back to work then maybe a nanny would be a good option. I don't know how old your other children are but it might be worth considering having your one month old (and other kids if necessary) looked after in his/her home while you work?

Just a suggestion, good luck, I am sure you will make the right decision for your family.

Babies are small for such a short time that I would try to stay home as long as financially possible. Will you get some child support? Can you work p/t as others have suggested? I also agree with the any b/f is better than none.
Its such a hard decision and has no easy answer you just need to do what you feel is right.

Ladies,
Thankyou so much for your valued perspectives,it surely has enlightenend me and brought back some unforgotten issues that i had with dropping my babies at creche when they were 6 months. Especially as they get older and say "Mummy don't go"and pull at you and wont let you go in the morning and cry in the car the minute you leave the house because they know where they are going. I had forgotten about missing first smiles though,and i did miss my sons first steps because i was at work and i remember being so hurt and angry. Not sure with all that in my memory banks whether i can return to work at all. this for obvious reasons is also my last baby given my age(37)and i obviously really suck at relationships. So i dont want to miss anything this time around.
So i think i have already made up my mind. I will tell work give me three months during which time i will breastfeed,sling wear and co sleep and cloth nappy. i will worry about the rest when i get there. I will definetley not go back full time, but maybe 2 days per week. And thats a MAYBE. There are so many variables and most of them depend on how I/we all cope. If i have a baby(as two of my friends just have)that refuses to sleep and demand feeds anything from hourly to four hourly then on top of all my other responsibilities at home it would be ridiculous to do so.I have had a child like this who cried all the time hence why i needed to get back to work for my own sanity. And the other(first born)was an absolute dream. So who knows,ultimately i do have experience and maturity on my side as i'm considerably older now then i was with my other children who are now 11 and 8.
Once again thanks so much from the bottom of my heart for your wisdom and honesty. this truly is a very special forum.
God Bless

Hi Pollyanna,

What a difficult position to be in!

I understand that sometimes, we have to return to work ASAP for financial reasons - those pesky bills add up! But will returning to work and having to pay for creche mean you're still better off financially? Is there someone (family member or friend) who can help out with the care so it is one on one as oppossed to 1 on 5? If your wanting to return to work so early purely for financial reasons - is it possible for the father to help out (sorry if that is an inappropriate or misguided question)?

How will you manage working and also having a newborn? At that age, they are rarely sleeping through the night plus you have other children to care for - have you considered the physical exhaustion? I onyl have 1 child and I can't fathom having been able to cope with her AND full time work at 4 weeks of age.

For the BFing, is the creche near your work? Will your employer support you attending the centre to BF as required? My previous employer supported this and the girls who partook forfeited their lunch break (to meet the employer half way in loss of productivity). You could exclusively express so your baby still gets breastmilk. Just a note, I have nothing against FFing, my DD has been FF in part since birth and exclusively since 6 weeks.

I also don't have anything against child care. My DD has been in child care since 4.5 months. I didn't have her "so someone else could raise her" but I need to work to help keep food on the table, and a roof over her head. The nursery she was in as a baby was BRILLIANT and they were invaluable during her first year (then she went up a room). Child care centres can still be brilliant places if they have fantastic staff and your child need not miss out on wonderful care and love. Having said that, I can't say I would feel comfortable placing DD in child care at 4 weeks of age. I would feel I was missing too much and missing valuable bonding time. I would also be worried about their immune system and all the conditions they are exposed to at child care.

As a couple of others have said, ultimately the decision is going to be yours and I wish you all the luck in the world making such a difficult decision.

MG

Im glad BB has provided you with some 'food for thought' and you have made your decision - sometimes the process of making the decision is harder than the decision itself - KWIM?
Enjoy this special time - dont put too many restraints on yourself. Assess the situation when bubs is 3 months old. Then go from there. With my first i was all set to go back to work within 3 months.......4 years and 3 children later, i havent set foot back in that place.

Well done for making such a difficult decision, I was about to put across my point of view but there is no need now that you have made your decision! I certainly think you have done the best thing by following your instincts, as you say this will be your last baby so it would be such a shame to miss out on so much of their precious first few months. And I must add that as a nutritionist I really think that breastfeeding is so important if it is at all possible, even if it is just for a few months it sets them up for life.
All the best! :-)

Fantastic Pollyanna! I suck at relationships too.......

Hi there....I returned to work when Jack was 9 weeks old...only part-time which was 3 days a week, school hours and has now extended to 4 days a week school hours. I am still bf at night and in the mornings and try to bf Jack solely all weekend. He is formula fed while at daycare as he is not too keen on expressed BM and is completely happy with that.

I went back to work purely so I could contribute more to paying off what debts we still have but we seem to be going backward. Ideally, I didn't want to go back until Jack was around 4 months old, but that just wasn't feasible. I don't feel guilty because Jack is very well looked after at daycare and he loves it. I'm also very lucky that I have a wonderful employer who is very flexible. Unfortunately being in a managerial position, I need to start working full-time so I can stay on top of things going on in the workplace and make more of a contribution in it as well.

We're going to be sitting down to do our budget to see if coming back full-time is going to make us any better off. It's hard, I don't want to do it because I love spending my Fridays with Jack and having time to catch up with friends. Jack is now almost 6 months old and looking back, I don't think I would've changed things because he's thriving and I'm feeling good about everything myself.

Thank goodness for this thread.

My baby boy is 10 weeks and I am considering going back to work part time. I am agonising over it because as a former childcare worker I know a lot of parents who missed out on those first smiles, steps etc.

I fell pregnant whilst travelling the UK. So I havent worked since Novemeber 2006. I returned to Australia when I was 3 months and then moved to Darwin at 6 months. So for me returning to work is to keep up my skills that I havent used for almost 2 years and to also contribute to our household. (Husband has three children from previous marriage) Things are tight with child support payments and only having his income.

I feel so guilty everytime I look at my little man. I am fortunate enough to have a mother who is willing to care a couple of days a week and a best friend who runs a FDC. I reason with myself its only part time (25hrs a week) and that I will be there to see all his firsts etc and that his care is within the family but....
*sigh*

Im lost.