Curbing "cluckyness" and understanding DH

Hi all

My DH is 27 in Sep and Im 27 in Nov, we've been married 2 yrs in Nov, and together for 5...

I just found out my 2 best friends are pregnant, and while im so overjoyed for them i can help feeling sad that we're not officialy TTC yet.

I have had the pangs of wanting to have a child of our own for around 3 years now and since oct 07 we havent been "careful" with protection...meaning we arent using anything.

We arent timing or "charting" or really verbalising anything, i do sneak a peak at my ovulation calender sometimes, Im positive that im ready and my husband seems ready, and it isnt helping that he says things like "if it happens now thats great, and if not thats ok too" and you know, he's doing "mothery" things to our pets & me at times... (nursing them, talking oohh & aaahh & playing games and things) and it doesnt help the fact that i would like to go ahead.

When i found out about my 2 friends last night it was like a blow to the stomach, i felt sick and sad and annoyed and the response i got after him probing me to tell him what i was feeling down about, was " dont be like this it makes me feel pressured" i cant help the emotional response i get and there was a good reason i didnt want to say why i was feeling down, because i didnt want to hear the whole "im not ready" thing..Then this morning DH comes in and says he is excited to have kids and cant wait and we'll have gorgeous babies..

I got annoyed and told him to not say that because him saying stuff like that makes me more sad/angry/confused/annoyed that we arent trying!! Are there other women feel it too?? I want to be patient and wait for him but i dont know how to curb that feeling of wanting a baby...

Please help? Im considering seeing a counseller and taking him with me when i have been a few times.

Eliza

hello Eliza,
My DH was like this also. So we spoke about it alot and what our expectaions were with each other and how we could go about it and not put to much preasure on each other. We set a date when we would start to try and concieve - it was about 4 months down the track but we used the time to get our heads around it and also to get our bodies ready for TTC, so starting to take folica acid and multi vits, I also went off the pill 3 month prior to get my cycles back on track.
Having a date to look fwd to was very helpfull and DH even started to look fwd to it as well.
After 3 month of ttc we fell but I had a m/c - but 2 weeks after that I fell again and am now over 17 weeks.
My advice - talk about it and get it all out in the open, I have foubd if you push men they seem to back off even more.
Dont give up hope!!
I hope my experiance can help even a little bit!
Kate

Hi Coco

Thank you for sharing your concerns with us.

Are you able to talk with your DH and get some kind of timeframe on TTC? What I mean is, tell him that you understand that he is happy to wait but as a compromise, you'd like a date that you can officially start TTC'ing e.g. January 2009 or something.

The silver lining is that is happy to have kids, just not happy to TTC yet. At least in knowing this (and I dont condone deceipt in a relationship) maybe YOU can TTC by charting and just luring him to the bedroom at the right times in your cycle. If he wasnt happy to have kids, I wouldnt be suggesting this but he seems happy about having them so I dont see what damage it could do.

In our TTC thread at the moment, we are discussing that our DH's hate being thought of as baby making machines and only being wanted when the time is right (believe me, all romance is lost once you start officially TTC'ing) so maybe this is what he is worried about.

I think you need to explain to him that your are beyond "sad" about this - maybe he doesnt realise just how much this means to you. It isn't like you're in a new relationship or anything. You are a mature married couple who seem to be in a solid relationship - the perfect environment for a baby!

I hope something is resolved soon for you and when it is, please share it with us ..... hope all goes well and you're joining your pregnant friends very soon.

Well it sounds like he is ready to me! I bet if you were preg right now he would be over the moon....

I'm not for deception either AT ALL, but maybe he is a bit worried about the baby machine thing. I agree with Tony...

Good luck and have fun....go have a baby!

Hi again

I forgot to mention, if you do agree on a TTC start date, start charting your temperatures a few months before hand on Fertility Friend so you get to know when you ovulate. Not all women ovulate when they think they do. That way when you start to TTC, you know exactly what has to happen and when without months of disappointment.

Good luck!

Gee ladies, thank you soo much

I had tears in my eyes reading your replies i knew i wasnt being silly, im glad i got that out in the open.

Ill have a talk with him about it like that. I am kinda begining to feel like i just have to wait for him for everything. I dont want to push, hence not wanting to talk about the fact i was upset my friends were going ahead with everything and im still hanging out waiting for DH.

I guess i dont want the same thing to happen to me as with my mother my dad walked out while mum was 7 months pregnant with me and havent heard from him since, also she was left homeless...Our situation is much different, we're married, have 2 homes and we are solid. But nevertheless, try to avoid pushing, but on the flip side, when are men ever ready? He initially said "i always thought id start about 27 yrs of age" so im all excited that the 27th bday is looming, then he changed it to 28 (my heart was dropp kicked).that really annoyed me. :wall:

Ill talk about the time thing, after all its my life too and i keep forgetting that i can be selfish in having a say about that too...

Thanks again xxx

Eliza

I dont think there is ever a right time to have a baby - there will always be some questions you are unable to answer. But yes, you do seem to have the 'perfect set up ' for a new child .YOu need to sit down and talk with him about time frames - nitty gritty stuff, you need to know dates, times, years - KWIM ???

My DH and i had been going out for 4 years, we were 30 and 28 respectively. Marriage wasnt a huge 'deal' to us, kids were a big deal to me. I said to him its either children or im leaving. It sounds harsh, but it was what i wanted out of the relationship, i didnt understand the point in hanging around if he didnt share my dreams. Im not saying you need to give your DH an ultimatum, just that sometimes they need it set out how it is , i.e you want a baby, when are we going to have one ?

I'd say by his comment of "if it happens now thats great, and if not thats ok too" that he is ready and ok with it. You need to remember males are different and verbalise things differently. My DH is the same, he's a person who is if it's meant to be it will happen... mind you I was still crying last cycle cos it didn't happen, but I get what he's saying too. Maybe your DH is worried about losing the spontaneous sex life and as mentioned becoming a baby making machine?? He might feel "pressure" and a failure if it doesn't happen when you've decided too. Men can be quite sensitive with some of these topics. I think like LuLu said he'd be wrapped if it happened!

All the best hun.

Thanks for that, I did the little talk about time frames. He said it would definately happen, he did say 6 months-year but not as a solid indication. Thats ok though. He said that talking about it made him want it more, things like Dates, what season it would be when it was born and the pro's/con's of that, what sort of sports, schooling etc ect..

I really appreciate your help. Im going to keep my little fingers crossed that it happens by surprise in the meantime! As i said, we arent being careful at all, and werent last night, and im in my fertile phase right now :clap:

Woo!

chat soon xx

I just read your first post out to DH and he thinks your DH is probably just a bit scared. Guys usually never get to the point of actually being completely ready like we chicks usually do. For me and for you it was like OH MY GOODNESS I HAVE TO HAVE BABIES!!!!! Just undeniable urge but for guys they are scared. It can be a big thing for guys to carry on their shoulders even if you intend to work etc they still take it as their responsiblity to feed, clothe and house you and all of the children you have.

Phil earns a great wage and as we were considering ttc no#2 he said he still felt anxious about it because he would take it as a life that he alone has to support finacially...thats a pretty big weight to carry.

Even to show the craziness of male logic here's a story- DH is a twim, his mum only found out she was having twins at about 35weeks preg, when she told my FIL the first thing he said was how will we afford the high school uniforms?? WT??? What about all the immediate expenses and in between??

Guys are thinking long term supporting this life and then also another thought I had was maybe he doesn't have a good understanding (like most guys) about the fact that there are only a few days per month you can actually conceive he may be thinking well we haven't got preg yet and haven't been using protection for a while so maybe there is an issue with him and he doesn't want to let you down? iykwim I hope that comes out right not saying there is a fertility issue just saying maybe he thinks you can get preg any old day of the month and seeing as your not preg yet he's thinking there could be an issue.

I think the fact that you are using no protection says that your dh does want kids,,,,I'm sure he's no idiot if he wasn't ready he would be making sure there were precautions used. So I'm think he is just scared, as all guys are about the huge changes a baby will mean and will he be a good dad etc etc.

I think you need to tell him just how much this is effecting you. Before we started ttc Noah I was on the pill and I missed 2days by accident I stopped taking the pill in case I was preg even though not likely. Before we could find out we both got used to the idea (mainly Phil I was pretty much born ready to have kids lol) and decided we would ttc if I wasn't preg. When I found out I wasn't preg Phil freaked out and changed his mind I was absolutely devastated and cried alot, I tried not to in front of Phil because I didn't want to manipulate him and in the end he said we would ttc. He said that he wasn't sure on when but he knew he wanted to have kids with me and if I wanted them so badly he was happy to start. He later said he was very glad that happened.

Maybe ask DH if you can chart etc and ttc but just keep it cruisy on his side if it will all freak him out. Make sure it stays fun and you are still spontaneous and in the mood when you're not fertile and tactful let him know you're not fertile so he knows you still want him for him and not just to get preg.

I hope you can start officially ttc some and we are all in ttc threads to discuss cm and temps and charts etc when you dh doesn't want to hear about it.

Hi Coco

I have read through you responses and think that you are probably heading in the right direction with it all. I just wanted to add that if you haven't already you should take this opportunity to see your DP and get a preconception checkup and be taking your folate etc.

Good luck

Hiii lovely TTC'ers

I just rediscovered FF website and paid for a temporary membership. I love it!!!


I just inserted all possible details of AF and BD and i needed to post it here, im feeling positive. Not BFP just positive. So now is the TWW! I think today or yesterday was the 1st or 2nd DPO? is that correct? You count from the "possible ovulation" date?

Ok photobucket is not wanting to connect but there are four hearts in the ovulation period so im hoping there is a little gift coming my way :)

Will post it soon, need someone to decipher it for me.

Hope you're all well!

Eliza

Sounds like you are both ready to me.

If you aren't using contraception and you are both aware of that fact (sounds like that's the case) then you are actually TTCing, just not actively with charts etc.

FF is a great tool. Best of luck.

Tell him about the benefits in TTC - my hubby was most upset we fell quickly ;) but enjoyed the couple of months leading up to it!!

Good luck - I agree with the advice if even not officially trying, chart your cycle so if not this month, you will be ready with info for the next.:hug: