Extreme separation anxiety - Is it my fault?

This topic has been a big problem between my DH & I. I seem to have a knack for creating mummy's boys!

DS#2 is almost 8 months old and very, very clingy. He has had separation anxiety since he was around 4 months of age. I know it is completely normal and loads of babies go through it, but DS just seems so extreme. If I even LOOK like I'm about to leave the room he starts to cry, then literally screams. He gets so distressed it is heartbreaking. I have always picked him up as soon as he shows distress and I try and minimise our separation by taking him with me everywhere. There are times when he does have to be left to cry (for example, if my DS1 has injured himself), but most of the time I try and avoid this.

My DH always has a go at me for carrying him around so much and he says that I have created this behaviour in DS2 by always picking him up. I find the whole thing just gets me so stressed out and makes me doubt myself and my mothering. I am a real softie and I don't like to leave my boys in a distressed state, I'm always quick to reach out and offer cuddles and comfort. I just CAN'T leave my bub lying on the floor screaming when I know he just wants me.

So...do you think I have created this problem or do you think it is just my DS's personality that makes him this way? DS1 has always been a mummy's boy too, but he was never as extreme as DS2.

I love my boys so much, but I'm worried I'm doing the wrong thing by them. Am I making them too dependant on me?

trish- i'm no expert but from what i have read in 'the science of parenting' you are absolutely doing the right thing.
you are not creating dependency- you are doing the absolute opposite in fact and creating security.
it is not your fault- you are following your instinct and meeting your son's needs. sounds perfect to me!

Trish, I don't know much about parenting however I do know one thing, you are a BRILLIANT mummy and I know that just by chatting with you and reading your posts! :D
You're doing the right thing and you're doing what feels right as a Mum.... your boys are still very young remember too.... they will become more independent as they get older.

i dont see how this could be 'wrong' at all... you are doing a FAB job. i am sure you will nurture their independence when the time comes and they will be all the more secure for the base you have provided for them.

Trish - there is no way known that you are doing the wrong thing, you are doing what comes naturally to you... I'm with you, I can't leave T to cry either. Your their mum, its your job to be there for them! :hug::hug:

Trish - I would say you are fulfilling his needs and that its who he is... you would be a bad mother if you weren't making him a happy bub, but since you are doing what is best for him, you are making HIM happy.

I'm sure it will pay off in the future.

And whats wrong with mummy's boys? I've got one.. and I feel bad about all the times that I did let him cry when all he wanted was a cuddle from me because I didn't want to make a mummy's boy (too much time listening to other people's opinions!!) and now I just go with the flow.. .and you know what? He doesn't want to be picked up as much as he used to be...

Go with your instinct honey, you're a great mum!!!! :hug:

I think what your doing is fine. If K wants his mummy..he wants his mummy!

Im the mean mummy and does the opposite and touchwood have had no problems with anxiety as yet....time will tell when Jasmine starts FDC on the 8th July....but she goes to anyone most of the time so hoping all is well.

It is nature for our little ones to want to be close to their mummy all the time, it is called survival. And, it is nature for Mummy's to get stressed out when they hear their baby cry and to want to comfort them - that is what parenting is all about. You are doing a fantastic job - a little bit down the track you will see that your nurturing has created independent and secure little boys.

FWIW - I have this conversation with my DH all the time about me going to DD straight away when she gets upset, etc, etc, but in my heart I know I am doing the right thing and for me not to comfort her would stress me out too much so :p to anyone else.

Laurin :)

Trish- you are doing a fantastic job. As you know this is still the age for seperation anxiety. It might seems very severe now, but i will calm down as he gets older.
Make the most of it, he wont be wanting his mum all the time in 10yrs time! Then you'll wish he was 8 months again ;)
You are doing a great job, dont doubt yourself, keep up the good work. ;)

My DD#3 is 9 months old and does the same - cries when i leave the room, or cries when i walk into the room (must realise 'oh, there she is ....i want to be picked up..),.

My family all have a running joke that she is mummys girl and Sam wont let me out of her sight....which she wont. When someone else is holding her she will look straight at me....its like "get me outta here mum ...".......But to be honest, i think its lovely. I think its nice that she wants her mummy. I do find when she's tired its more intense (usually around 5pm when i have to get dinner organised). But ive never really thought it as a problem.....he's only been on this planet for 8months...and your his best friend. Enjoy it, one day im sure you will wish you had it back !

Thank you sooo much everyone for your advice and supportive words :hug:.

It really has been a cause of stress for me, it's hard when your DH doesn't support you. I have shown him research that says it is best to minimise separation while they are going through the anxiety, but his mind is made up (without doing his own research :( ).

You have all made me feel better about going with my own instincts, thanks so much again :)

I agree with all the other girls. You have not created this behaviour. It is normal. some kids are more high need than others. And your DS will eventually grow out of it once her realises that mummy loves him to bits and will always come back. He is not at an age where he has the brain development for such a complex thought process yet. My DD is like him. Ad I have just tried to look at it from a different angle. It is a good thing to have a child who knows what he/she needs and who can ask for it. This way I know I don't ignore her needs. And that's what it is, a genuine need to connect with the most important person in their lives.
You have not created this. However, babies can in most cases be trained out of this behaviour. But in my opinion, that only teaches them that you are indifferent to their needs, that nobody cares about them - which is a lesson that I don't want my child to learn.

I think you are doing a fantastic job meeting your son's needs. They will eventually be very independent, secure human beings. I know it can be hard at times (and I only have one) so please make sure that you look after yourself, too. I sometimes feel "all touched out" at the end of a day. So try and have a little bit of me-time every day, where you can just re-charge your batteries. It might only be sitting down with a cuppa & trashy magazine while DH gives the kiddos a bath. Or it might be having a luxurious bubble bath yourself. Anything that makes you feel special. Cause you are!

My Dh is supportive of my methods most of the time, but sometimes when he realises how full-on my days can be, he suggests going with a different method. I know how difficult this can be. But in the end, you are the one who has to live with your parenting style all day, and you are also the one who is most in tune with your babies. So you do what seems right to you!

Sasa

Trish - I am completely with all the other post here! In no way are you doing anything wrong! I do exactly the same with Izzy and she too shows signs of seperation anxiety. But i'm not worried, she will grow out of it (hopefully not too soon, i love the fact that im always getting showered with cuddles and kisses and she wants to be with me so much)

Like your DH my DP also has alot of problems with this he tells me all the time i spoil her and my parenting styles are wrong etcetc. But i see nothing wrong in giving my little girl a cuddle everytime i see her, and i see nothing wrong with the way i have brought her up. Me and Izzy have an extermly close relationship and i hope that continues through out the years.

We were only talking about this yesterday actually and Dp was insisting that i just let her cry or when she cracks the sads put her in her room. But i disagree, and i made it clear to him that my days would be easier to if he bonded with her more and had half the relationship with her that me and her have.

i cannot stand seeing her cry and Dp will just let her - i cannot see what making her cry would achieve she is still only a baby and doesnt understand most concepts yet. But in time she will.

Your doing a fantastic job! Continue dear -

just on the DP/DH not supporting your methods - it is so hard isn't, my DH doesn't spend half the time with DD that I do - he is overseas for 6 weeks and back for 2 weeks and then comes home and criticises how I am parenting - very frustrating, so I know where some of you girls are coming from.......just a small vent.

Laurin x

Trish, I too have read that separation anxiety is totally normal, and that the way to deal with it is to give them lots of attention. Often, leaving them or ignoring them makes it worse.
But it is hard when you receive criticism from someone so important to you and your child (ie DH) when they simply just don't know the facts like you do. Please know that this is your DH's problem and not yours. No doubt, he is probably feeling a little left out because his bond isn't as close with your DS... YET. I found the first year of DD's life, DH would often give me unhelpful suggestions which upset me a great deal. It is now that I realise he was actually trying to get involved, just going about it the wrong way. Now that DD is a little older, and that he is looking after her at least one day a week, he is a bigger softie than me! He gets a little riled up too if I offer him suggestions as well, LOL. He is getting a taste of his own medicine ;)
Anyhoo, you are an amazing, attentive and loving mother, Trish. Your boys will grow up knowing that they have the love and support of their parents and that's what's important. These first couple of years are tough, but special. Don't talk yourself out of making the most of this bonding time just to appease your DH. That might even lead to resentment later on. Hang in there. :hug:

I'm a big one for following your instincts and if your child is upset/ distressed than yes your instincts are immediately going to want to comfort them. How can that be wrong, I believe we get our instincts for a reason and should always listen to them.

It's normal development. Don't override your DS's instincts (unless you really need the loo or something) and he'll grow out of them soon enough. He won't still be clinging to your skirts at 7 if you let him let go on his own accord.

My DS was as clingy as clingy could be, now he's not. Well, sometimes he just wants Mummy, but that's happening less and less these days. I miss it! My DH is tougher too - wasn't it so much easier in the days men didn't get involved at all before children were 2-3 years old and you'd have girlfriends and nice grandmothers helping? That's when they need more rules and more Daddy sort of love!