Jealousy Maybe??

In the last two weeks Zander has been driving me crazy with "I can't" to absolutely everything, from opening the toliet lid, to picking up his toys or using his fork/spoon at dinner. I suddenly reaslised last night that maybe he's feeling jealous that I do everything to help Juliette but I'm not doing much to help him, so he says he can't do it. The problem is that now I've had the realisation, how on earth do I deal with it? I can't keep doing it, otherwise he's just going to become lazy with me doing everything for him. But how do I deal with it?

Sarah, I'm sorry, I'm not much help to you, as I haven't been through it before. But I have heard that kids can react this way (just generally being difficult in order to get more attention in reaction to having a new baby in the house). The only thing I can suggest (and I know it is easy for me to say, because I'm not actually going through it!) is to continue to encourage Zander to do the things he can do, but maybe have an activity that you can do just with him (maybe while Juliette is asleep or something) and use the time to make a BIG DEAL about how you are just doing something the two of you. And then also make a BIG DEAL about how grown up he is, and how helpful he is to you...
These are obviously pretty straight-forward ideas that you are no doubt doing anyway, so please forgive me if I'm telling you how to suck eggs. All the best with it, Sarah!

My only suggestion is to make a game out of doing thing for himself so say mummy will race you to the toilet to see who can open the lid. Or you could try and reward him for doing the things himself. I also use mummies big boy or big helper heaps too. Heaps of encouragment and rewards i think is the only way to get through the first few months of jealousy when the new bubs comes home. Good luck and i hope it all sorts it self out soon.

Nikki

Sarah what about a sticker chart leading to a big boy prize for all the big boy stuff he does and get him to help you with Juliette and have stickers he can choose from. Maybe one for big bro stuff and another for big boy stuff and make sure he shows daddy

Great ideas guys thank you :)

Nikki, I was doing the big boy thing a lot, but in the last few tantrums I was screamed at "I not a big boy, I a little boy". Oh dear!

Oh poor little man. :hug:

Oh dear sarah that one always worked with my boys zander is obviously too clever for you!! Good luck
Nikki

Oh honey - give Zander a big hug from me - and in return he is sure to be giving you one from me as well :)

It must be hard for him to have had his world turned upside down and I don't really have any suggestions but maybe asking him to do something "to show Juliette how, because she doesn't know how yet" might get a response. Sort of like him being in charge and having this wealth of information that only he has.

Good luck

Sarah, I would definitely say that it is jealousy, and rebellion at not getting more of your time. I have heard it said that your older child "regresses" by about 6 months at the birth of a new sibling. I have found that not only did J go through this at the time T was born, he still does sometimes. And like Z, he picks and chooses as to whether he is a "big boy" or a "little boy" depending on what suits him at that point in time!!

The PPs have given you some good suggestions. I have used them all at various times. The thing that I have found works best however, is concentrated one on one time with him, and even talking about what is going on. "Mummy has to help T with this as he is a baby and can't do it by himself like you can. Soon he will be bigger and you can teach him how to do it himself. Would you like that?" sort of thing. Also, lots and lots of praise and attention when he does do things by himself. And just sometimes, doing things for him so that he doesn't feel too hard done by LOL!

GL with it hun. It is frustrating, but you are a great mum, and I know you will continue to find ways to ensure that Z feels loved.

Oh the poor lil chook. I wanna give him a big hug too!

I'd try and partially humour him just for a little while by doing things together, for example if he wants you to open the toilet lid you do one half he does the other. And when he does do it well or by himself (this could take a bit of time to watch him do things) tell him he is so clever, and that you are so proud of him and that it is so good because Juliette will be able to learn from him. Other things of a similar tone, try not to chastise for it because I would think it would continue and then he'll learn to get attention through bad behaviour ie tantrums etc Which is a hard pattern to break when it starts. And try and watch your vocabulary, instead of saying "I can't help you right now." Maybe change it to "I'll be with you in a second." Make sure that you are surrounding yourself with people who don't just make a big deal of him or her iykwim? I had some friends that would go out of their way to give Paris attn thinking she was missing out, but I was worried that would cause problems because then she'd crave it more when those people left. And for those people that are overly cutesy with Juliette, take that time to include him yourself or praise him for being such a wonderful brother etc. Keep reminding him of how lucky you are to have such a wonderful son and brother to Juliette, and when daddy comes home remember to tell him how helpful he has been today etc. Also recap on what the two of you did together, even if its cuddles on the couch watching TV or a conversation you've had. Sometimes its easy for them to forget about the attention they do get so having that chat with daddy (with him present) will help him to see he is still a major priority in your life. Kinda like not taking it for granted iykwim?

I think he's done so well if this is the only signs he has shown thus far, you are doing such a great job :) He is such a secure confident little man, just think of this as a minor hitch, where he needs a little reassurance as we all do from time to time :)

OH one more thing, maybe drop the big brother little sister thing for a while, as it could be something he doesn't like hearing iykwim?

Tallon loves to teach Kayla things. He's starting to teach her signing now LOL. But we've definitely used "you can show Kayla how to do this when she's bigger" etc. We haven't had any jealousy problems tho, but I do get him to help with Kayla (he even fed her her food last night LOL) so it seems to be working so far.

Maybe Zander feels like he's having to grow up a bit too quick. I did find myself expecting more of Tallon. Guess we need to keep in mind they are still little kids and want to feel like the need mummy as much as they used to :)