I want to settle her gently but she's making it difficult

We have always settled DD 12mths to sleep by being with her and generally patting/stroking her to nearly asleep. She's never been a great sleeper - as soon as we solve 1 problem another seems to appear. So anyway the current issue we are having is her afternoon sleep she just won't settle for me - cried hysterically however if DH puts her to bed in arvo not a problem. If I stay in the room with her she is hysterical if I leave the room she still is hysterical however, if I come back in the room she will stop crying for a bit but generally starts up again (I think when she realises I am trying to put her to sleep). We often have the same problem in the middle of the night when she wakes and needs resettling. She has been known to cry in the middle of night for hours. Sometimes my DH is able to calm her and settle in the night after I have tried but other times that also doesn't work.

I really really want to settle gently but i don't know how when I seem to be causing some of the issues just being there. Anyone have any suggestions

I'm not sure cause I don't know your daughter and my son is a different age but sometimes when he's tired and crying I lie on our bed with him, cuddling and stroking him till he quietens and goes to sleep.

You're doing an amazing job- it must be very hard to have her cry so much.

Dee, is that her second sleep of the day?

Maybe she's telling you she's ready for just one sleep....I know Darcy was around that age and started to do the same thing. We went to one sleep and the whole thing just got better.

It's hard isn't it? You think you've got it and WHAN they change again! Hang in there mate. :hug:

Kim - I tried 1 sleep for a couple of days and while she can cope she was cranky by the end of the day. The only reason I think she could handle 2 sleeps in the day is that when DH puts her to bed in arvo she happily goes to sleep.

I honestly believe her sleep struggles are to do with me - she is associating me with something other than sleep but just not sure what and how to fix it.

At that age, I had the same problems. The difficult settling in the afternoon and the refusing to go back to sleep in the middle of the night. Plus waking up a million times for a quick boobie feed.
I also felt like she needed that second sleep still. But then I decided to just try it for a coupe of weeks with only one sleep. Before that she would sleep from 9-11 and from 2-4 (roughly). I then kept her up till 11 for her first sleep and made sure that it was a nice, long one. She now sleeps from 11-2 (3 hours) and doesn't need the afternoon sleep anymore. Her night sleeps have also improved a hell of a lot since doing that. She used to wake up between 3 and 7 times per night. Now she usually only wakes once or twice. It took her around a week to adjust to her new day sleep pattern. But things are so much better since. At the same time she started to self settle at night, something she never used to do before. I believe really needing that sleep in the evening made a difference. That and also just being developmentally ready for it.
As I said, it took about a week for her to adjust. The first few days didn't go all that well as she still expected that afternoon sleep, so she was tired and cranky. But once she adjusted, she was fine. I gave her a bottle of warm cow's milk in the afternoons which made her a lot happier. She is still breastfed apart from that one afternoon bottle (usually only 100-150ml).
You could try gradually delaying her morning sleep by 15 minutes a day and shortening the afternoon sleep a little each day until you end up with one mid day sleep. That way the transition would be easier on her.

I'm not saying that's what is going to be right for your daughter. But for mine it was at the time.

Saša