Question About Adoption

I wanted to get other people's opinion on a question I have that relates to adoption. When my elder sister was 20 years old, she gave birth to a baby girl. The Father of her baby wanted nothing to do with her or the child and wasn't willing to support them. She gave birth prematurely and nearly died in the process (blood loss). After the birth, she became depressed and decided to give the child up for adoption. I personally think that the staff at the hospital pressured her into this, even though it was originally her idea. A few months after her daughter had been adopted, my sister began to have major regrets about what she gad done, although by this time it was too late to get her daughter back. My sister tried to commit suicide on her daughter's first birthday and she blames the adoptive parents for being selfish and stealing her child when she changed her mind about the adoption. When her daughter was 2, my sister married and had another child (a boy) and although this time she was married & had support, it was all too much for her to bear because it brought memories of her daughter back & she was reminded of how much she was missing out on. So she up and left her Husband and her son and hasn't been back to see them since (and this was 8 years ago). Since then, she has remarried and has 4 more children and although she has stayed this time, she is very cold and distant with them. It's like she never wanted them and has absolutely no connection with them at all. She shows them no affection whatsoever and half the time she is in such a depressed mood that she locks her bedroom door and won't speak to them. She treats them as the enemy. She tells me that it is because she will never ever get over the loss of her first child and she hates the adoptive parents for ruining her life. Is this kind of grief in adoption the norm? Thanks for listening.

Belinda,

I have no idea, but I think your sister needs to be encouarged to seek help, for her depression & to help love her children (I am sure she loves them deep down)...
I would really encourage her to seek assistance in seeing all of her children, would it be possible for her to make contact with her daughter whom was adopted out?

I really hope she can get herself sorted, her children need to be shown love & I hope she can learn to cope...

All the best!!!

Belinda,
My husband was adopted when he was 6 weeks old. He hasn't had any contact with his birth parents. I don't know too much about his adoption but what i do know is this...
His mother gave him up at birth due to her age (16) and no father support. I believe there was a six week "cooling off" period in case she changed her mind. After that he was officially adopted by his parents now. that was about 33 years ago.
she was able to get back in contact with him once he turned 18 but before that his record was sealed. she found him about 13 years ago and showed up at the door and his adopted parents ask her to leave (don't agree with that decision though) as he wasn't home at the time to make the decision himself. he's had no other contact from them.
I could never imagine the pain your sister is in. it would have been a very hard decision to make but she made it. maybe your sister could contact the agency that set up the adoption and ask to them make contact. perhaps she could be introduced as a family friend or something. my husband was told early on his was adopted but in many cases this is not done. in any case the child must be put 1st at all times.
In saying all this your sister chose to have more children..she should embrace them and love them as she knows what it feels like to lose someone. the other children should not suffer. maybe she also needs to talk to someone who can offer her professional advice...i know i've rambled on but i hope this helps you a little. just try to be the supporting sister always.
take care...

Belinda - how is your sister ?

When we adopted our son 11 years ago in NSW - there was always a provision we provide regular letters/photos for his birthmother and his other siblings. We were also asked about contact but it was unlikely in his mothers case she would ever (hadn't with others).

His mother 'lost' touch with agency - so we stopped years ago. His siblings though were older (also adopted) we have some contact with them over the years.

Friends of ours have an adopted son too (12) and he has met /contact with his mother - she always wanted more though.

Depending on your state - there may be some avenues of getting information about her daughter - there are a number of organisations that may be able to advise.

Post Adoption Resource Centre in NSW (may have other branches interstate) and DOCS or Family Services etc in other states.
Adoption Triangle and Jigsaw. They may provide counselling/sipport grups too.

Our son's older sister pursued her siblings through PORC and they contacted the adoption agencies and arranged meetups. We didn't in the end (not us) but know she went to NZ to see another brother - who had moved with his family. She was an adult but he was under 15 at the time.

My understanding is the law provides for non identifying information to birth parents but not necessarily access in all cases - up to best interests of child /family. The laws changed again in 2000 to make access ven more accessable.IYKWIM.

I hope your sister is able to get the support she sounds she desparately needs. The grief of losing a child - be it to death or relinguishing through adoption is very intense and can last for years. Her other children don't replace the daughter she wants most. She does need to seek help herself -no-one else can make her. For the sake of her relationships with her children I hope you can encourage her to take steps forward.

Many birth mothers feel guilt from adopting out their child. Im an adoptee but have been reading many blogs and information out there to get perspective with my search for birthfamily. I have found that many many many birth mothers feel guilt and depression and have difficulty living with the decision that was made, and possibly made under duress or because of 'keeping up appearances' or shamed into it. One particular hospital, many years ago, have cases where the birthmothers were even given sedatives until they signed the adoption papers.
It is also a fact that many women who give their child up for adoption at a young age, never have children in later years.
I can't imagine how awful it would have been for your sister to go through those feelings when she wanted to have her child back and was not allowed. Even as an adopted child, I cannot fathom how heartbreaking it would be, and its one of those things that you're reminded of constantly. You know when you are sad about something, say you've just broken up with your partner and every time you see a happy couple you get those feelings of sadness and envy etc. I imagine she feels this everytime she sees a baby, when she's at a shopping centre, on tv, everywhere.

Therapy and lots of love and support should help lessen this pain, and hopefully she can reach a point where she's not transferring her pain onto her other children. But I feel so much for her and wish her all the best.