Im the luckiest mummy alive - please read
On Friday the 1st August I had a scan. I knew something was wrong, I had felt it for weeks. I felt it so strong I took out an insurance plan for myself the week prior, I made sure I was covered on the operating table - weird thing to request hey. I had far too many dreams about dying and not being able to breathe ? a sign is a sign. Anyway laying there looking at the scan I could see it was different. The womb was the wrong shape and there was fluid everywhere outside. The radiologist stared at one spot for ages. I asked him what was wrong. He sad he was just a trainee and that he needed to get the head honcho to have a look. Before he left he said that the heart rate was very low but wanted to confirm it. He left for what felt like ages. They returned and the head honcho introduced himself as Mark. He looked for ages and said look at the screen. I did and I saw a baby that looked just like my other two daughters. (She was beautiful. I decided that I would name her Mia if a girl. She was too pretty to be a boy so Mia it was). Mark then changed the view to show blood flow. There wasn?t any in the baby. I wasn?t that shocked really, but I felt like I had failed her. I cried and called my husband at work. He calmed me down and they returned informing me to go to see my Dr this afternoon.
My husband came home and we both went to see my GP. She explained that I may have some pain, similar to period pain and I may loose some blood and clots but most of the placenta would be either absorbed or discharged over the next week. Any serious bleeding and I should go straight to the hospital. She gave me an anti-D and sent me on my way with the advise of nurofen.
I needed to say something, I was so full of hurt so I logged on and wrote this: Bye my little angel
I lost my baby today. I feel so empty.
"Its so common" they say, well not to me. Its awful.
I feel awful. The tears fall and fall.....
I need to say something, but what?
Im sorry. I wish I wish I wish. . . . .
RIP my little angel
I will always feel you
I will never forget you
I love you
Love mummy
Everones replies were wonderful, thankyou all.
Saturday and Sunday I had a light period followed by some clots. Just wanting to lay low I spent care time with my husband and children. I felt shocked and empty grieving for my baby Mia I found it hard to fight the tears. I kept thinking, she was still inside of me, the scan showed a whole 11 week old baby, how can I grieve her when I cant bury her?. All these questions. No answers.
Late Sunday afternoon my eldest daughter decided to walk off on me and not tell me where she was going. I freaked and over did the naughty chair punishment. I also removed her favourite toy, the happy feet penguin from her. She was so upset when she went to bed I felt guilty. I wanted to wake her but I was so self absorbed that I didn?t. Our first fight where she went to bed sad with me.
About 9pm after eating my yummy carrot cake I had a sharp period pain, and my water broke, I ran to the toilet. My husband followed cuddling me as I cried on the loo. I then felt the foetus fall away. Will withhold detail here. I couldn?t move as the blood I was loosing was intense. My husband sat on the bed outside the door asking if i?m ok. I lay toilet paper on top but I couldn?t flush. The blood poured from me, I started to get scared. my husband called 000, handing me the other phone so I could call his mum. We waited for ages. The ambulance arrived and so did my mum-in-law. What can I say, the ambulance driver was a rookie, I was his first real patient - ever. He panicked when he saw all the blood. He inserted a drip line incorrectly and I bled furiously from it. He was in such a panic that he made so many mistakes including dropping his medic bag and all the contents all over the bathroom floor. He finally stopped the blood from pouring out of my arm but I must have lost too much blood as everything went white. I had no feelings in my face and I began to fall asleep, I remember saying ? Im getting wooozie? so finally they removed me from the toilet and lay me on my back on the floor of my bedroom. My husband held my feet up in the air as they connected the drip. I shook so hard I was cold like Id never felt before, even worse than New Zealand neg 20 deg type of cold, I had no control of my shaking. I started to feel a bit better until the rookie again panicked to pickup his gear and kicked me in the head. They put me on the ambulance stretcher with my head down and my feet high in the air, I had straps holding me firm on the legs but the top were loose as I was wheeled to the ambulance. As he turned to sharply the bed fell to my left, the top part of my body flew almost off the stretcher, thankfully I hooked in my legs enough not to come completely off. They pushed me into the ambulance and got me comfortable again. His antics continued all the way to the hospital making silly mistakes time after time, not knowing what hospital to call, or what to say, not knowing how to hang the drip bag, not knowing how to use the electronic BP machine, not knowing how to turn the O2 on and so on. At one point he asked the driver to stop the ambulance he needed silence so that he could take my BP manually. I told myself over and over and over Do NOT die here he doesn?t know how to save you, don?t die here. All the way up my husband was in the front seat asking if I was ok, so I also focused on his voice. Finally we arrive at the hospital. I had Dr?s and Nurses and people everywhere on me. I finally felt safe. They took this seriously and they knew what they were doing. I was still so damn cold. I had drips and monitors and sticky pads everywhere, I looked like Frankenstein before the awakening. They informed me after the bleeding decreased to a trickle that I would need an internal. During the internal I experienced the ?I need to pee?. NOW!. My bladder then pro-lapse into my vagina and blocked the view. After more panic and a pee (laying down on a bed pan!) they said I would need a D&C, a curet, as the bleeding isn?t slowing down and I had already had 4 ltrs of fluid. The head of Trauma, DR K explained that I would go under anaesthetic and they would dilate my cervix and use a small vacuum to remove the last of the placenta. I cried, this is what I felt all these weeks. This is my end. I told my husband how much I loved and adored him and my children. I made him listen by raising my voice. I instructed to give my eldest a big hug and when you give the penguin back tell her I am so proud of her and how sorry I was then I lay there praying and praying. I felt many positive spirits around me. I secretly hoped they were there to help and not guide me away. They then rushed me into surgery, it was almost 2 am. It will only take about 15 mins and you can see you husband in recovery. Ok this is it. I lay on the bed and everyone that would be doing the operation introduced themselves. I think there were 8. Then the head Gynaecologist came in. OMG! It?s the women that stitched me up incorrectly after I gave birth to my youngest daughter. This is your head Gyno? We women are all in trouble. Then my whole focus shifted to the women in purple. I looked at her and said I need to give my daughter back her penguin tomorrow so don?t let me go anywhere ok. She smiled and held my hand; you will be fine they all said. And laughed. I instantly forgot about who was doing the procedure and why I just preyed for the purple lady to have the insight she needed. The bleeding was very severe and it was increasing so I didn?t have a choice. I couldn?t run away or I would bleed to death, so I just preyed. They wheeled me into the theatre and hooked me up to a machine on my left and another on my right. They got all the things they needed together and the gyno was in the back left getting her equipment together. Dr K was in the room but didn?t look to be doing anything. The lady in purple started to tell me about how she will be slightly pushing on the front of my neck when they put the breathing tube down my throat as I hadn?t fasted for this she will prevent the food from coming up. Dr L will be monitoring your breathing and that?s all I heard I didn?t care about the others. She said to breathe in deeply and you will slowly fall asleep. I took a deep breath but I didn?t fall asleep. I lay there for what felt like ages fully awake and alert. I could feel my arms and my feet. I could see people hurrying and then I could hear the machines. They were screaming one on the right short beeps and the one on the left long loud alarms. And that?s when I noticed I wasn?t breathing. Everyone looked panicked and Dr L kept saying come on, come on. She pulled my head back so all I could see was her shirt. Im not breathing god, I said and I felt a small panic then someone closed my eyes just before hitting my tooth with something metal. I could still hear them all but now they were rushing and yelling. It was really noisy and it felt like a long time. Then it just went peaceful. It was beautiful. For the first time in many years I had no pain and I had no guilt and for the first time ever I didn?t worry about my family. Then I saw myself and everyone else in the room. I was standing on my bodies? right side near the clock that the older lady was watching. I heard a voice of a woman and then everything went black.
The next thing I remember is waking up in the recovery room beside DR S. You gave us a big shock said the women in purple. They all quickly disbursed for a much needed break. Dr L said that I had a reaction to the anastatic and that my anatomy is different. The normal equipment used to resuscitate a person didn?t work so they had to use a special piece of equipment, which will make you sore and bruised tomorrow. She also said that she hit my voice box so I wouldn?t be able to talk for a few days. But I thanked people aloud, yes I was croaky but I could talk. She seemed happy. I looked at the clock, it was 4.00. What happened? They didn?t say. I was still dopey but DR S and I sat talking about Mia.
I had many tears with her. Inside I knew in that moment I had let go, she wasn?t inside my womb anymore she instead was in my heart where she was suppose to be. Thursday week I will bury her pictures in the gardens at the hospital with DR S, Mia will be beside her son and many other precious babies.
Then in a flash it all came back. I couldn?t breathe, I stopped breathing didnt I?.Yes you stopped breathing and they had to use some pretty drastic measures to bring you back. She went off and brought 3 of the team back. They stank of smoke. They weren?t going to tell me until I said I remembered but I didnt care I was so relieved, I thanked them profusely for bringing me back. You can go home and give your daughter that damn penguin said the older lady.
I saw my husband; he looked so tired and worried. We held hands whilst the they took blood and tested my vitals every 5 mins, 10 then 20 mins. The Dr M told me that I had received 7 ltres of fluid and I was only 8 points off a blood transfusion. My levels were 78, they transfuse at 70 normally you should be around the 140. Dr L gave me a letter that I must carry whenever I go to hospital, it describes the complications Id had and states that I lost a lot of blood and I flat lined for 3 mins. hmmmm...
My husband finally went home for a nap and I spent the rest of the morning tired but I couldn?t sleep. I was just so pleased to still be here. I was so pleased to see my family again. Im amazed at how I went from the deepest grief to the most thankful joy in only 24 hours.
Today I sit here, I have needle holes absolutely everywhere, I have bruises on my tongue, my neck, my jaw, my chest and my legs?. I have a crack on my front tooth, I cant eat, chew or swallow, I have many cracked ribs and the pain Im experiencing when I breathe or cuddle my family is so intense I could cry, I cant wee properly and my voice sounds deeper than James Earl Jones but the only tears I have are those of joy. Im still here. Thankyou god Im still here.
Thankyou to the team that saved my life, all of them even the rookie ambo and thankyou for reading my story. And remember savour every moment with your family, your partner, your best friends and yourself.
BTW yes that little furry penguin finally made his way back to my girl.
