daughter want to live with father

This has been a long time coming and its time. My 13 year old daughter and i have a very hot and cold relationship and i have been told teenagers a very much a had full but im really lost for ideas to fix this situation. My daugher as much as i love her is a spoilt brat and her behaviour reflects that i have really gone out of my way to help her ajust to a mixed family so i guess her being spoilt has a lot to do with me over compensating i to came from a family where i had a step mother and step sis and brothers and my father favoured them constantly it was the worst feeling in the world to know my father wanted the new family more than his own so when it happend to me i really made sure she never felt that way. As a result she is a spoilt brat and when she doesnt get her own way she make the whole family pay. Life with her at best is tough. When have fights she will through in my face that she hates it with me and would rather life with her father it kills it like a knife to the heart and i struggle to fight back the tears today she was a smarty to her step father i asked her if it was the right thing to do to be such a smarty she replies with a smart ass remake then it one i relpy so calm we dont apperciate the behaviour and grow up take care of responsabilites ( she couldnt find somthing) and stop acting like a spoit brat she looks me up and down another smart remark i tell her is she keeps it up there will be another term of punishment( no mob phone, internet, social life ect) and then it happend she thru what was in her hands at me i couldn t beleive it i said it time to for her to go to her fathers she tells me she has wanted it for so long to go and live there.
Her father lives in a caravan in back oh his mum and dads yard is single and when shes there she in the centre of his world she i guess that makes her happy becouse when she it here she has to share the attention with three 3 sisters.
Am i making the right choice my pride is hurt my daughter the one i give birth to raised for 13 years doesnt want to be with me my heart is aching and torn between letting her go or not is there any one out there i n the same situation ? what should i do ?
kath

I am so sorry you have to dael with this, unfortunly I think this happens alot as teens are hard at the best of time and when they have the option to leave they ALWAY throw this in your face....

My sister when to school with a girl who from yr 7 to yr 12 would spend 6 mths with her mum and 6 mths with her dad ( and she was an only child on BOTH sides so its not just because you have other children its just because she is a teen ) because she would keep telling them that she didnt want to live with them anymore but once she got to the other parents house she would last 6 mths until that parent did something she didnt like...

I think that you and you EX need to get together with some ground rules as she could play this out for a very long time, and as you said she is used to getting her own way so she will try very trick in the book...

If you are happy for her to live with Dad then let her but DONT let her play you both off each other... All teens go though not wanting to be with there parents its just not all teens have a get out of jail free card iykwim....

I hope it gets better soon :hug:

Yeah, I agree with Tali. I sure EVERY teen with separated parents does this at some stage. My SDD came to live with us after deciding she didn't like her mums partner anymore, then she didn't like the fact I would not let her BF stay over when she lived with us, so she left to live with her grandparents (who totally overindulged her and gave her everything), but then she didn't like to be told what time to come home for dinner so she went to live with her BF and his parents....aahh it goes on.

In my time working with Families at Centrelink, I can tell you there are hundreds more that do this every week. I would be talking to upset mums on a weekly basis and most of the time they left because they don't get their own way. In about 90% of cases they were back at home within 3 weeks.
They all of a sudden realise that there isn't a washing machine fairy, mum cooks EVERY night (eg) and she's also good on the hugs. Most dads get a big shock having them full time and pull up quickly. No more 2nd weekend indulgences....

Good on you for standing fast, they can be very, very trying and girls can push VERY HARD.

Think about giving her a chance to prove she is growing up. I have done this inch by inch with my daughter - check out some of the other threads on how this has worked for me. I let my daughter have a say in her boundaries, but she also has responsibilities that match. She hasn't let me down once, but she is still pushing for more all the time.

DD also tried the "im moving to Dads or Grandads, but I had already spoken to the both of them and they told her that she needs to be with her mum right now. YAY for the multiple parenting.

If you Ex lives in a caravan I cant say she will like it on a long term basis, there wont be much privacy and they are all about 'having their own space'. I hope you can chat with your ex about things.

I also got a great councellor through a local teen program, she actually needed it when she had trouble coping with me losing a pregnancy, but this councelling had proved INVALUABLE when it comes to the both of us communicating. Sometimes she is a bit of an umpire.....but its working.

Please, please don't take too much blame or guilt on. I have several friends with long spaces between first and subsequent siblings, and the same troubles. Even if you worked had not to be overindulgent, they have been used to all the attention and the family having more money than now when you have more mouths to feed.

Welcome to the Teens forum!

Thanks for the help im in two minds on stay or go so is she.She asked if she will be back every other weekend i said yes but she would have to share the bedroom with her baby sister she wasnt to happy i said why should i let the room be empty to only have you have you stay in it 2 nights a fortnight baby sis could have the room then DH and i would have a room to ourselves first time in 5 years. I told her how much we love her and want her in our lives i told she would have to make some decisions becouse we are tired of her putting it to us all the time she want to be with us but also want to be with her father i bet its hard for her but she makes life hard for us too.
My last note to her was that her step dad was home on holidays renovating her room new walls paint aircon blinds the lot while her father is on holidays up the beach camping with friends and having a great old time. Parenting is no camping trip for us i think her father would think twice before she stays full time then guess who picks up those pieces???????
kath

hi,

My 8 year old says that to me on occasiona especially after a argument, but once she has been with her dad for more than a weekend she is glad to be home again. She stays extended times on some holidays. Maybe see if she can stay for like a week or so while at school so she can see the difference if she is unsure.

I ran away from home to stay with my dad when I was about 11 and I was home within a couple of weeks. I think I cramped my Dad's lifestyle and it wasn't so much fun staying with him full time.

I think you are doing the right thing by letting her know that if she does go then you will be re-establishing the ground rules. I think both she and your ex won't be too happy living together in a caravan full time with each other due to space and lack of privacy. When she does ask to come home you will be able to give her the run down of what is expected of her to be able to do that and hopefully she will stop acting like such a spoilt brat.

As tali said though you need to talk to your ex about this so that she doesn't just go back and forth when she doesn't like something that either of you have done. Good luck!!

My best friend had this happen and she let her daughter stay with her ex but told her she had to stay a minimum of 12 months (no backward and forward) to avoid playing one off against the other. Her daughter was back after those 12 months as Dad was not what she thought he was. He was living with his parents and couldn't be bothered even spending time with her while she was living with him. He left the parenting up to his mum.

Anyway her daughter came back and is a better person for having been through this. She is currently in Year 11 and has a part time job and is doing really well after having some serious problems earlier (with the law).

Don't let her walk all over you and set the ground rules now. If she goes to her dad's then it is for a certain time frame and she cannot come back until after that time expires. No matter how much you want her to.

Good luck making this hard decision

Kim