Discipline Differences

I wasn't sure if I should put this into the gentle parenting or here, I decided here since I don't think my parenting style is completely the 'gentle approach'.

Now I know that there have been several threads about this recently, but I think this is a little different in what I want to know.....DH and I don't agree on how we discipline. He thinks that corporal punishment (ie smacking) is ok and I don't like it.

I really make a huge effort not to do it and when I do I am the one that ends up in tears...DD usually just smacks me back, LOL! DH is very respectful of my wishes and very very rarely smacks DD. I have smacked her alot more in the past few weeks than he ever has.

She is becoming very testing and assertive and is determined to get what she wants. I have no patience at all and am on a very short wick at the moment. When she pushes, unfortunately I have been losing my temper, which is usually a rare thing, and have smacked her several times for things that definately does not warrant a smack (I do believe there is a time and place for a smack occaisionally, though usually talking and explaining is my preferred method, especially for typical toddler behaviour). But being so heavily pg and fairly house bound, my emotions are getting the better of me!

Anyway thats not the point. Tonight, and lately, DH got very frustrated and short tempered with both me and DD. He's over her antics- getting behind the heater (not when it's on!), tipping out her food/water onto the table at meal times (usually only with him), emptying cupboards/drawers if she can get into them...blah blah blah... He told me that talking to her isn't working and he wants to smack her.

I tried to tell him that it just doesn't work, as my recent experiences with smacking usually end with her smacking me back and telling me off too, like I do to her not to mention me in tears and having no effect on the outcome, she will just repeat the behaviour. He has been yelling at her and telling her things like she's a devil and other things (I can't think of right now!) that I find to be emotionally damaging. Even though she's only a baby, she understands tone of voice and if it continues as she gets older she will understand the words too. Having been emotionally damaged by my dad and step dad, I think this is worse than smacking! He asked me to justify it cause he can't see this method working, which is a fair enough request.

As an early chilhood teacher, I have read alot of material on this topic and know in my mind the hows and whys of it all. I have alot of books and written stuff on it too, but it's all int he garage in boxes and I won't be getting it out!! And I would have to go through it all and research for him and give him specific things to read, which also is not going to happen at the mo. And in my over-being-preggi- brain state, I haven't been so great at explaining it all to DH.

So can you give me some good reasons why NOT to smack DD. She is very willful and clever and knows how to get our goats! She knows what works on me and what works on him. Like the fact I don't care if she tips her food out onto the floor, but it drives DH bananas, so usually only does it for him. Like most toddlers she's very cluey. How can I explain that by remaining calm CONSISTENTLY she will probably stop it in a week or so.
I hope I haven't just confused everyone and that this ramble makes some sense....Please help me be clearer for him to understand my reasons!

:hug: your daughter must be a bit worried about all the changes when your baby arrives and because she's just a baby she doesn't really understand what is going on and she can't put it into words.
No wonder she's acting out a bit.

I don't know how you can explain it to your DH. Monkey see - monkey do?

Maybe just say that she is acting age appropriate & that all kids her age do that stuff.

She doesn't know right from wrong yet. She needs to be taught. If she gets a smack, she will think its right as you guys are who she is learning from.
That means if someone at daycare or somewhere does something she doesn't like, she might respond with hitting/smacking herself as thats what she knows. If you keep up with the talking to her, as she gets older she will see that as the right thing to do.

If she see's a kitchen cupboard she doesn't look at it & think 'Mum won't like it, but it looks like fun.' She just thinks it looks like fun. She could do it 5 times, but can't really comprehend at her age that every time she does it she will get in trouble.

She won't understand that til she's about 3. My DD is just 3 & still doesn't quite understand. My 6 year old on the other hand...But thats another story!

All she sees is what is in front of her. She can't think ahead to when you see her doing it, & she can't really remember what happened last time she did it.

I hope you understand what I'm saying. I'm not even sure I do, but if you do & if you both keep that in mind it will make it easier.
You might still fly off the handle, but before you finish your rant you will remember that she has no idea what on earth you are yelling aboout!
Even if you try explaining why its wrong, she still won't quite get it. You just have to persevere. If she pulls things out of the cupboard get her to help you put them back. If she does it a few more times, maybe get her to put it away herself.

You will get there. All of you. It will get easier. After a while.

I don't know if this will help, but you can just try not letting her do the naughty things.

DS loves to clear his high chair tray of food. So we have a plate on his tray and a cup with a little water in and we just constantly re-fill the plate and cup from a second plate and cup on the table with us.

He loves to go behind the TV, so we block it off with a chair.

We praise a LOT for good behaviour (he either tells himself "noo noo noo" when he's naughy or calls himself a "goid goy" - I think that's good boy - now).

Just a FEW little things mean we don't have to tell him off and he's happier now because we are too.

HTH.

I have tried explaining that she does what she sees us do. He has seen her do it first hand. But withthe smacking he just doesn't get it for some reason.
Skye, I do get what you mean. She doesn't have the foresite to see consequences of her actions. And I have tried to tell him that too. But I must explain it to him wrong, cause he seems to think she does. He thinks she does things to annoy us and on purpose. But she just trying to learn about things.

Rhf, I have childproofed the place as much as possible. She has figured out how to get around alot of things, like the drawer locks. She can open them now- with her teeth! I try to keep things out of her reach and not let her get into things, but she's a crafty little thing! And she does the 'nooo' thing too, except for her it's 'toh tuh!' (don't touch) and a waggle of her finger. It is very cute and shows me things are getting through, we just need her to understand why, which will take more time...she is still jsut a baby!

Sweetheart - I don't have any wonderful advice for you right now because we are just starting our discipline here and it is super tough! I just wanted to say, you are due in 2 days mama! You are doing a brilliant job, little wonder that your emotions and patience are on a short string, and you don't feel like reasoning with her. Lily is probably picking up on the changes around her even if she doesn't really understand it all, and is acting out from that. You will probably find things settle a bit in the next few weeks once bub arrives and you all get into a new routine and if it is what you want, go back to reasoning. :hug:
One thing I think though is that one parent can't do one thing and the other not - there needs to be consistency and you need to be a united force so after bub comes maybe both sit down and decide how you are going to tackle it all. Good luck hun and can't wait to read your birth annoucement!

Ok, I'm not being entirely serious here, but maybe if your DH really wants to have smacking in his discipline repertoire, that surely means that it's fair game for you to smack him when he does something that you don't want him to do. The girls who posted before me have pretty much said all the sensible options that I would have come up with, and they're all much more experienced with toddlers than I am, I just have it all ahead of me - ;)

Thanks Tan :D These past weeks have been hard for me. But that's no excuse to a 15mth old.
We are fairly consistent. He is being very respectful of my wishes not to smack her. BUt he often says things to her that I find hurtful. I know she doesn't understand yet, but she can tell by his tone. Maybe I'm just sensitive to it cause I experienced it but in having experienced it I know how it feels and it's not nice.
I have everything crossed that she doesn't turn into a terror when bubs comes!!

Jan, that's a comparison I ofter make to him. He thinks it's funny, but I'm serious. I don't smack him and wouldn't. So why should we smack DD?

My DH & I are the same as you.
Only we both occasionally smack. Only when its something dangerous at her age though. As they get older its more when we just get pushed too far, but we are really trying to steer clear of smacking all together atm. Its not easy. DH thinks its the way to go, I don't.

DD2 knows whats right & wrong most of the time now & will look at me while doing it & wait for my reaction with a grin on her face. She's just testing her boundaries, but they do still get very frustrating.

When my girls were about that age I used to explain why I didn't want them to do something & distract them eith something else.
DD1 was pretty easy. When they get to the picking up naughty words age DD1 started it, like they all do. I used to say 'thats a naughty word & it's not nice to say'. She stopped after a few tries & used to tell us off if we said a naughty word.
We are still working on DD2. She's not out there with it, but occasionally she'll say one. We were about to get in the car the other day & I told her to go to the toilet first. She looked at me in all seriousness & said 'I not p*ss mysewf'. I had to walk away coz I couldn't not laugh.
She really only says them to stir DD1 up though.

So that worked for us. Everytime she does something, pull her up on it & say 'no that's ouchy' behind the TV or something. Power points in our house bite.
I taught DD1 about hot by getting her to touch the outside of my coffee cup. She was 8 months old & because she knew what hot meant & as she got older if I said something was hot she wouldn't go near it.
DD2 learnt to stay out of cupboards & drawers by getting her fingers in them. Not the best way to learn!

It could be harder or easier when you have the little one. DD1 was easier as she was besotted with DD2, but DD2 was ready for DS to go back the day after he came home.
She will settle down. It may take time, but it will get better.