I feel so sad....

This is my first post and really don't know where to start. I guess what this is all about is my concern of losing my partner and disappointing my children again. There is so much to say but can't say it all but I'll try and put it very briefly.
I have just recently had a baby girl with my partner, Gemma is 6mths old and so loved by all of us. I have also 3 children from a previous relationship. Since my pregnancy with Gemma, life with my partner has gone on a down-ward spiral. My partner wasn't very supportive in any way of my pregnancy or hormonal times, or to show his loving. He would say that he loved me yet somehow made me feel guilty and responsible for any upset i may of had or if anything had gone wrong. Admittedly, I'm not perfect and have made some mistakes, usually my mouth shoots off before I think, but I don't think I'm that bad. We had a parting for 3 months whilst we moved states from Vic to Tas and during that time I suffered terrible anxiety and depressive attacks. I was left to pack the house up at 8mths pregnant, pack the F-truck with our belongings and drive the truck with 2 kids, 2 cats and 2 dogs to our new premises. All in all I handled this ok and was extremely excited to see my partner. It only took 1 day after arriving before things started going back to normal - made to feel guilty about everything! After working so hard for many years and leaving work to have a child after 12 years, staying at home full time with my baby it has come as a real life shock to me. I feel that I have lost my identity, my self worth and self esteem and my partner hasn't made things any easier to support me in overcoming the way I feel. I love my baby so very much but need to just work out how to gain a bit of independence again.
Approximately a week ago my partner took some holidays for a few weeks and we decided to spend a day away fishing. This was going good,but I couldn't fish where my partner was as our little baby was unsettled. I wasn't fased by this at all. I called my partner to let him know that I was going to drive to the community toilets (I was busting to go pee) just so he wouldn't be concerned that the vehicle disappeared. He just layed out abuse to me by saying 'can't a bloke fish in peace without you telling me about your toileting habbits' etc etc. Also told me that I always 'tag' along (after we arranged to go together). I was so so sad by this as it ended up so horribly with his abuse again. I kept how I felt to myself to avoid any arguements.
We planned to go away again for 4 days the weekend just gone, just my partner, myself and our little baby. I was so looking forward to it, but unfortunately things didn't go the way it should of. We bought alcohol (as you do) and I chose a bottle of whiskey (which I never usually buy or drink). I drank 3/4 of the bottle and become extremely intoxicated. I have hardly every in my life been so drunk like this. I can't recall anything that I said, but he states that I was so very abbusive and horrible. I feel so sorry for this knowing that it hasn't made things any easier between us and am so terribly sad that we are on the verge of ending our relationship. No matter how much I express how sorry I am, it just seems to be making things worse. I think that I may of abused him because of the way I had been feeling before. I'm so so sad about this situation as all I have ever wanted was a happy family, happy relationship with my partner, respect and love. It looks as though it just isn't meant to be. I don't know what to do to make things right and don't know how to even think about starting again alone with my children.: Has anyone been through this hell before?(:crying:

Kim, I can't personally relate but I can tell you that you are not alone.
My mum went through six months of fertility treatment to have twin baby girls with my x-stepdad in december, who left in march when the girls were ten weeks old :(.

To me, with regards to the alcohol fuelled argument, I don't know that I beleive you partner... he sounds very harsh and abusive and as though he would use every oppotunity to discredit you. Have you throught about talking to a GP about him? I'm not sure how frequent it is, but men do get PND as well, not to mention I cannot imagine how you must be feeling at the moment dealing with this by yourself.

Have you thought about counselling together even? I am not really sure how much I can help but I am sending you many hugs. :hug:.

Hopefully the wealth of knowledge and support at BellyBelly will give you some information and some hope. All the best.

Ashlea x.

Bosh to him, you got ripped and probably tore him a new one, and it sounds like HE NEEDED IT.

Stop apologizing, he is being an ass. Maybe it wasn't meant to be, but he is being a total coward by making you think its all your fault. Don't let him treat you this way, or he will always treat you this way.

:hug:

Sounds to me like he has issues that he needs to work out for himself. :hug::hug: hope things improve for you soon though.

Yep... I have been through something very similar myself.
The best thing that happened was that he cheated and gave me the final kick in the butt that I needed to leave him.
I am not saying that this is what is happening here, nor that this is the right thing for your situation (leaving him etc) but seriously... if he is making you feel so terrible, perhaps you should look at what you both need to do to make things right... and if things don't get better, look at your other options.
Have you considered joining a playgroup, or searching for other mum's in your area (eg; on here)... having an outlet for just you and your bubba might be a great start... and as Cookiemonster mentioned, perhaps the 2 of you could try counselling... and if he doesn't agree to it, maybe you could go on your own... you might both benefit from you going... and eventually he might get curious and want to join in too.
I really hope things improve for you soon. Big hugs :hug:

Thanks to all you guys for your support and hugs. Your comments really helped me to think that I can't go on like this forever. I'm going to suggest councelling and see what happens. If he isn't interested I may as well think about leaving as I can see that things wouldn't get any better and we'll all be miserable.
Mwa to you all. xx:hug:

Hun I can completely relate :hug:

What he said to you when you were on the fishing trip brought back a flood of memories from my days with my ex.

While he is not physically abusing you, the mental abuse he is making you suffer is just as bad, if not worse. He is manipulating you into thinking you are the one who is always in the wrong. That guilt you are feeling is his leash. Its his power and he knows it.

Bring out the warrior woman within yourself and defend yourself, stand up against him, be strong.

I can feel your hurt and I can feel your guilt - it rocks your core. He is doing that to you. It's nothing you have done.

This might be terrible advice - but I am only going off the horror I endured from a man that sounds very much the same as the man you have there.

Take the baby and run. You all deserve so much better.

My DH always says that only the truth comes out when you are drinking - so maybe you gave him a few home truths and that's why he is so defensive of that night... I'd just like to say, Good for You for getting a few in ya and having a good night - those nights are rare with bubba's!
Men don't handle change, babies or hormones too well. It sounds like you have experienced all three in a short amount of time. The mental abuse should not be tolerated, and you should not be manipulated to say sorry. It comes down to one word, RESPECT. Does he respect you as a mother? Partner? Friend??
Counselling, talking, and coming up with a viable solution would be the best bet.
Big hugs....

STOP BEING SORRY!!!! :redface:

Get tough! Maybe you were tough while drunk and he didn't like the truth?!

I have just been through something similar. Heres the thing I can be VERY horrible and took complete advantage of my Dp turns out to be a touch of PND.
But what makes me mad is while Im sooking about him breaking up with me and getting PND help, just so I can FIX ME so we can try again. He on the other hand doesn't change the little things that would set my PND off.

The problem with you Dp is he is taking NO responcibility (SP) and you of course need to take some but you are taking WAY to much.
My Dp threating to leave and telling me he doesn't love the person I had turned into was the wake up call we both needed.
But I can now see that instead of realising the person he loved had changed and worring about her, he chose to up and leave because things got to hard.
We are working through things but needed to both see we BOTH had things to fix within ourselves.

Please STOP being so down and sad and probably angry at yourself because another relastionship is go down, get strong and try make things work. Then if it doesn't you can walk away with your head held high, knowing you tried your best and can then move on.
But it just sounds to me that your Dp is being a typical poor hard done by man and not seeing it from your situation.
Wake him up a little.
Feel free to Personal message me if you need some chats about how my Dp and I are working through things. As it sounds VERY much the same ;)

P.s sorry for putting Dp and I in there so much but your situation sounds VERY alike :hug:

Kim,

If you do decide to stick by your DP just remember the more you cop his sh*t, the more he is going to dish it out to you.
You need to be stronger and stop accepting his sh*t. Dish it back out at him. If you do, then he might stopping treating you like the way he has been.
I hope i'm wrong but i can't see this relationship working out if he's treating you like this. You deserve better. Life is toooo short.

I think when we're in a relationship, especially when there are children involved, we really feel like we need to be a team. That means each supports the other and together we're stronger. Rather than one bagging the other the whole time. Sure, both sides are going to drop the ball occasionally but we need to pick that ball up again and continue the game.

From what you've said, you haven't felt supported for a long time and I think you both need to address that.

It's REALLY hard being a SAHM, being isolated and coping with relationship issues to boot. Plus, those relationship issues seem ten times worse if we're cooped up at home all day and they become the focus of our world.

I would keep things simple with your DH. Tell him you're not happy and that things can't continue as they are. Tell him, you're out of ideas for how the two of you can fix things on your own and that's why you would like to try counselling. If you just carry on the way you are, then things aren't likely to magically get better.

I was in a similar boat, very unhappy with my relationship and considering ending it. It took A LOT of cajoling to get my DP to go to counselling but it was well worth it. It's not a silver bullet, mind you, what kept us going was we both told each other repeatedly that despite all the s*** we'd been through that we were still very committed to making it work.

If you can't get anything else from him, at least get his commitment that he will try anything to make this relationship work. Just hearing those words can make a world of diference and give you the strength to keep going.

Basically, I think you need to exhaust all options before leaving.

Oh, and just to lighten the mood a little. I told our counsellor that DP only did stuff if I threw a complete and utter, crazy woman tanty. He said, "well, I think you need to throw more tanties then if they work!" Not the response I expected at all but counselling can make us look at things a whole different way.

And don't beat yourself up about The Whiskey Incident. Keep it in perspective. It was one night. You made a mistake and we ALL make plenty of those. But more importantly, tell your DH to stop throwing it in your face too. Tell him to drop it and move on.

Have you thought about getting a part time job and putting bubs into daycare for the days you work. Getting your self esteem back by doing some sort of work might help you as well. Some women need more than to just stay at home (nothing against the ones that do cause I'm one of them).

As for the emotional and mental abuse, tape him and play it back to him later and then sit down and talk to him about how it makes you feel.

If he still feels justified then get rid of him. Neither you nor your kids deserve to have that happen and the longer you put up with it the longer and worse he will get (personal experience here).

Take a firm stand and don't back down. Let him know that there are consequences to his actions.

Good luck

Mystit, :hug: relationships are damn hard.....we are in a rough patch at the moment too. Just wanted to touch base and say even though I'm not up your end of the Isle, I'm still here......it can be SO isolating being at home especially when you've moved.