things just keep getting worse..

Many of you will be familiar with my long and convoluted history. The most recent epic is in a previous thread. I apologise in advance for this post which may become a lengthy rant, but I need to let it out somewhere.
Its now been 4 weeks since the loss of what should have been my ?miracle, twin babies?.
They survived (and thrived) through a massive bleed only to be suddenly and unexplainably taken a week later.
The past month has been a real struggle. I wanted these babies sooo desperately .
However, I thought I had at least come to the point of acceptance and had started to focus on what we were going to do next time. DH and I had almost come to the decision to proceed with IVF/PGD so at least we have some control over possible genetic issues.
I had also organized to fly to Sydney this Thursday to have NK cell test (only done in Sydney) and meet with the notorious DrS later that afternoon.

Amongst all this, I have continued to feel depressingly pregnant with very slow to fall HCG levels. I expressed some concern last week to my FS?s secretary/receptionist , whoever she is, when I rang for results and my HCG had barely halved in over a week. Plus I was still bleeding significantly. Despite a history of retained products in prior m/cs, I was told to just see what happened this week.
My inner voice told me to listen to my gut feeling that something was wrong. However, my exhausted self was just to tired to fight or argue anymore so I have just plodded along trying to ignore my body

Another small battle with the same office girl today when I rang for blood results and long awaited cytogenetics on my babies. She wouldn?t give me anything without talking to my FS (who was in surgery) first?. Agghhh. But still no energy to fight.
FS finally rang me tonight?.. at least one of our babies was a normal little boy. His twin was either another normal boy or results were just not obtained. My poor little boy who should have survived. He was normal but failed by my stupid body which didn?t keep him safe. I was trying to come to terms with this when that bonds ?easysuit? ad came on.
The one with ?twinkle little start? and the gorgeous baby boy?. I cant watch it?.. it breaks my heart to pieces.

To add to this, my HCG levels has actually gone UP this week from 930 to 1000ish!!!
I am not surprised given how my body is feeling but WTF!!!! Its been 4 WEEKS since my D&C.!! I can?t even have a ?normal? miscarriage!! I now have to face more scans, possibly another D&C (and the risks to my future fertility that comes with it), more antibiotics, etc etc, on and on and on. This pregnancy was ?over? 4 weeks ago but is likely to go on for at least another 4-6 weeks. I am just tired of all this. I just want it over so I can move on and try again. TTC again is truly going to be the only thing that will help me feel better.

Oh, and to top all this off. In talking with my FS, we talked about DrS and I mentioned I was going to Syndey on Thurs. ?uh oh?.. she cries. Concerned about the validity of the NK test given I have high HCG levels. I have NON_REFUNDABLE plane tickets. NO one mentioned anything about waiting until HCG levels 0 and I definitely discussed how recent my last m/c was. My FS is going to ring DrS tomorrow and I have emailed him so praying we can at least get some useable result and the trip can proceed.

I am so sorry if I sound like a total whinger but I am just so, so, tired of my reproductive ?issues?. Fighting and battling then losing over and over. If there is a small risk of something going wrong, then I seem to get the short end of the stick. I just need something to go right or even vaguely ?normal? for once.

And, at the crux of it all?. My poor, poor angel boy and his brother/sister. I am so, so sorry I failed you both. You should have got to meet your big brother. I am sorry I couldn?t keep you safe.

:hug: I'm so sorry Meredith. I hope that things resolve with peace and speed for you soon, and that you can get some answers that give you hope.

There is nothing I can say that is going to make this better but I can send you :hug: & :comfort:
You have been through so much these last 4 weeks it must seem like nothing is going right for you at the moment. You are not whinging you are expressing how you feel which is a really good thing. I think it is normal to be upset at those damn TV ads that make other people's life seem so perfect.

:hug: Meredith, there is nothing I can say hun. I hope you find some answers and get dealt a good, no great, hand soon. Thinking of you :hug:

Couldn't read and not :hug:

:hug: :hug: :hug:

You have done NOTHING to feel guilty about. You have not failed. You are not god, you did everything you could for your babies, and they could not stay despite that. Sometimes it is frightening to see how little control we have, but guilt over this is a fallacy. You had no more control than your babies did. Please don't make yourself suffer even more over something you COULD NOT have prevented.

Much love

Bx

I just wanted to offer my support.

I hope things settle down for you soon and you can get back to TTC.

Its nothing you did wrong either :hug:

Meredith :hug: I'm so sorry to read that the problems are continuing.

I have to second what Bec has said - you should not feel guilty over this! You have done everything within your power to keep your babies safe and they still could not stay... but it's nothing you have done to make them go. There's a whole range of emotions to feel at this point, but guilt is not one of them.

I really hope you get some answers soon... especially answers as to why your HCG levels aren't cooperating at the moment.

BW

Meredith I'm so sorry hun...you have been through so much...thinking of you xxx

Meredith, I am so sorry that this pain continues to acutely for you. I hope the next couple of weeks allows your body to heal. You have been through so much but please do not feel guilt. Your angels know that you fought for them. Please look after yourself :hug:

Firstly :comfort:

Secondly - you did not fail your babies, nor did you fail to keep them safe. If you did, then so did I (and let me tell you - I have had this thought many times lately) There is a reason that we just don't know the answer to yet. But you will. And you will get the answers you need.

The failure of the BHCG to fall is an issue your FS should have been following more closely due to your very relevant history of retained products. Having said that, for some women it is only during pregnancy their NK (and some other blood results) are abnormal so it may have some positives when meeting with Dr S. I wish I was able to meet you on Thursday and give you a real hug but if you need anything give me a call.

Meredith

I totally understand your guilt and rage at your body for not doing the right thing. Honey I feel it myself and I have said sorry to my son until my voice is ragged. This does not mean you should hold onto this guilt. Accept that it is going to drop in from time to time but let that other voice in your head - and I know you have it We All Do - gently coax you back from the brink. The voice that says it wasn't your fault angel, you did all you could, no one could have done any more than you.
Darling if the NK test is not going to yield results then you can ring the airline and explain. If they do not help you then I am happy to help out sweetheart.

Know that you are loved and that you are not whinging, you are baring your soul. This is cruel and unusual the pain you are going through, that we are all going through, so never apologise.

Much love you in your sorrow sweetheart
Adele

:hug: hun, i hope you get some much needed answers soon.

i hardly know what to say. I really hope you are able to go to sydney as planned and hopefully get some answers you are looking for. I too lost a baby at 22 weeks, 4 weeks ago and my body is still getting back to "normal". Please take care - we can't blame ourselves, its easy to planbt the thought, as we do consider our bodies to be the protector but its a road we will never get off if we do.
please take care! sending you love and hugs!
jo

Meredith, I'm so sorry to hear you are still having a rough time :hug: The other ladies are right, you are not to blame at all. There are just so many things we don't know about miscarriage :( Keep pushing for answers and you will have another baby to hold!

Take care of yourself xx

Sweetheart, I am so sorry to hear about this. You have been through so much already, I just want to give you big big :hug:

Please don't blame yourself for the loss of your darling little angels. You did everything you could. I hope you can make your trip as planned and get some answers.

Thinking of you.

I hope you get some answers soon Meredith :hug:
Let it out hun.
You haven't failed at all...sounds like there's lots of people who have (but shouldn't have) failed you.

Thanks ladies, for listening to my ranting and understanding my pain. There are not to many people in my "real" world who will do that so thankyou!

Good and bad news today.
The good is that tomorrow's trip to Sydney is going ahead. DrS says they don't know how pregancy hormones will affect test but to do it anyway so I will at least get that out of the way. Not expecting answers but at least I'll know I have done it.
Bad news is that a scan today confirmed some retained placental tissue which is happily growing like i'm still pg. Explains why my pg symptoms are getting worse rather than easing.
My Dr is with me on the reluctance to do yet another D&C ( I've had waaay to many) so we will try misoprostol tabs and pray I can expel it over the next few days. Not convinced its going to work given its had 4 weeks to come out and no sign of shifting,but crossing everything. How ironic to be desperate for pregnancy but, now equally desperate for it all to e gone. How can my body be so good at killing babies but so reluctant to give them up?!!

:hug: for you Meredith. you have gone through more then any one person should ever have to go through. I hope you have good results from your trip to Sydney and that everything goes smoothly. Just remember that there will people thinking about you and sending you lots of positive vibes. Good luck and stay strong, your an amazing woman :).