Need help and advice - family member struggling

Hi to everyone, I'm kind of stuck and looking for help. I think I may have found the right place?!

I don't really know where to start, I didnt' realise it would be this hard, and it's not even me I'm really here for.

My sister gave birth in November last year to a little girl, her first child, who sadly never took a breath. She knew it was going to happen, just not so soon. Baby B was 9 weeks early (but still a robust 5lb 11!). Her lungs never developed, for reasons we later found out was due to a 'benign' tumour in her neck. My sis took it all in her stride, and was seemingly incredibly strong. The funeral was held in the same church we'd all gathered in only a month earlier to celebrate her wedding to her husband - when even then they'd known things weren't right. At the time I was pregnant with my first child, also a little girl. After an uncomplicated pregnancy I went on to deliver a perfectly healthy baby girl, this year in March. Again my sis was seemingly strong. Even when we were pregnant together, while she knew her little angel had no hope of surviving from the moment she was born, she insisted on coming shopping for the baby things I'd never got around to buying (she'd already kitted out her own nursery - I had barely even bought a changing mat). Baby B was planned and was conceived after a year of trying - my baby wasn't planned and was conceived immediately after a minor slip with birth control.

So here we are almost a year later, and my sis's lifestyle has changed immensely. She is always out at her local or on a night in town, she's rarely home, and while I've up until now been the biggest defender of her behaviour, (she left home at 17 and grew up quickly and never did the whole 'going out scene', she's now 24), I'm now starting to suspect it's a major act of avoidance. After recently talking to one or two people who've been out with her, it turns out she's been known to lock herself in the toilets after a few too many and cry about baby B. She's had a tatoo done on the base of her neck with B & B - her baby B and her friends baby B - but not even a mention of my baby E, which leads me to suspect she isn't handling my baby E nearly as well as she makes out she does. And thinking about it she never sees her unless we're at the same social occassion and has to, where she holds her for the required amount of time then hands her back when she starts being a bit noisy. Not that I doubt she loves her!

She's never out with her husband either, she's even told him once (then told me afterwards matter of fact) that he reminds her of what she's lost. She's told my cousin she hates being at home because theres no crying baby where there should be one. One of our cousins who lives abroad actually asked if she'd split up with her hubby, because of all the pics she puts on her facebook page, he's in none of them, she's never with him.

From talking to other family members - namely our cousins - it turns out their parents gave a gift of money towards baby B's funeral, and to this day theres been no acknowledgement of this. I was told she had to ask someone else for the money. And she's told me she'd borrowed money for a headstone, and yet she's told others she's no money for a headstone, or its still to early for a headstone, or the headstone is a special one that takes ages to be delivered. I know money talk within families should be taken with a pinch of salt and that I shouldn't believe anything unless hearing it from the horses mouth, but it just seems theres too many stories.

I've read over this site, even googling for a site like this has had me in floods of tears, because I think about baby B all the time too, every time I look at my baby E I feel utter grief she'll never know her cousin, yet at the same time I'm so unbelieveable thankful for what I have, and guilty about her being so perfect and having no probs in pregnancy, and not even planning for her, where my sis was planning, and to be fair is in a miles better situation to have a baby than me.

I guess what I'm trying to say is, how can I help my sister deal with this? Because all the things I've mentioned above have all happened individually over time, and it's only this last day or two I've suddenly put it all together and come up with one hell of a messy situation. I am absolutely certain that she'll carry on as she's doing until something snaps, and I'm certain that will be her marriage to the most amazing bloke you could hope to find. We've tried talking to her individually - no joy. If we confronted her in a group, I know instinctively that would be a bad idea. I'm tempted to email her a few links to forums such as this and hope she takes it upon herself to have a look through them, if she hasn't done already. Or I could tell our parents - that after months of convincing them she's fine I'm not so sure she is anymore. And am I even the best person to be trying to help her, after all my pregnancy turned out fine? She's done such a good job of convincing everyone she's fine I think she's believeing it herself, and I'm not sure she's ever properly grieved. I know I still feel like I'm grieving, that must be nothing compared to how she feels.

I just know she needs help, and I've no idea how to approach it without her doing a runner or telling me to eff off.

I really hope you all can advise me, any advice would be amazingly helpful.

Thank you all so much for your time xxxxxx

i was in tears reading ur story... i could not imagine what it would be like to lose a baby so far into a pregnancy. what your sis is going through must be alot to handle. I would suggest maybe getting some counceling.If you sthinking she hasnt grieved properly maybe she needs to let it out and express what she's going through. It also must be even harder with you having had an easy incomplicated, unplanned pregnancy and have a happy and healthy baby at the end of it. i guess it would be difficult for her to see ur little one growing up and developing and she'd be thinking of her little angel.

I dont really have any more advice but i'm sure that someone will pop in and give you some.

:hugs: to you and especially ur sis. maybe send her a link to BB and she may be able to read some other womens stories of loss and may feel like opening up even if its not opening up to you or family i found BB to be a great place to vent and open up

Hi hun,
What an amazing sister you are to be so concerned and it sounds like you are supporting her in a way that your sister doesn't even realize. My baby was stillborn two years ago and I still grieve for him. My friend was pregnant at the same time as me and it took me ages to be able to even look at her bubs. I'm sure your sister loves your baby very very much but it is so so hard to see babies let alone hold them so soon after suffering a loss. All I can suggest is to continue being there for your sister and hopefully one day in her own time she will open up to you. I found talking about my baby and the loss helped me heaps. It would be fantastic if she could check out BB, I found so much comfort and support here. It really really helps to talk to people who have also had a loss because they know exactly what you are going through. I think you should tell your parents of your concerns, the more support she gets the better she will be. As far as her husband I'm not sure what to say because with me it was different, me and DH actually became closer, he was my biggest support and I am sure your sister's husband is being supportive but grief comes in so many ways that maybe she is pushing her husband aside but I'm sure if she gets help this will resolve itself. Sending you and your sister big :hug:.

Regards,
Dianne

Well done for coming in here and sharing the story of you and your sister, i cant imagine what your sister must be going through, and you too, you are carring around so much guilt because of your beautiful healthy baby and should be able to enjoy your baby.

I dont know whether this would help, but from what you have written the only time that she acknowledges that there is a problem is when she is out drinking, not that i recommend going and getting her drunk, but is there anyway that you can have an evening with her and have a couple of drinks and chat to her then?
She has built up so many walls around her that she is a fortress and a bit of alcoho may make her relax those walls
Honestly i cant believe that i am recommending that, but i know if that was my sister and she had all those walls up and pretended that everything was OK, the only time that i would get a glimmer of what was wrong would be if we had a couple of drinks (and it would be late in the night).

The thing is you need to get her to talk about it.
Maybe she is being so strong (or trying to be) is because of you... she doesnt want to hate you or your baby, but deep down there has to be a bit or resentment, not directed to you, but for what she lost and you have this happy and healthy baby iykwim.

As Jess said, sometimes it is easier to open up to others that dont really know you...
There are women on here that have had similar experiences, they can understand where she is at... i couldnt even pretend to understand the grief that she must be harbouring in there somewhere, maybe sharing her story with others and or hearing similar stories will help her realsie tat she is not alone and we are all here to help....

I cant really offer anything else.
:hug:

When we lost our baby me sister was also pregnant, 4 weeks ahead. She gave birth a couple of months ago.

To be honest I can't deal with her baby, I haven't seen it and don't know when I will be able to. A couple of other friends have also recently given birth. Personally, I haven't sought contact from them as it's too difficult for me still. My advice would be to bring your parents in on this, because it may be that she is putting on a brave face to you because of your situation, and maybe she'd open up to them a bit more. Other than letting her know you're there for her there's nothing else you can do, you can't force her to do anything, and I wouldn't worry about the money thing, when people are in intense grief they may say or do strange things and you don't want to upset her by bringing it up when it's probably not relevent.

Hi. We lost our baby boy at 20 weeks, and it is an incredibly difficult and lonely grief that follows. If you are able to, talk about her baby girl so that she knows that her baby girl has not been forgotten and is loved and missed. It means a lot to me when people acknowledge that we were pregnant and that our first child was a boy. You may like to look at Sids and Kids as they offer both free counselling, parent support (where your sister could talk to a parent who has suffered a loss in a similar situation) and support groups where she could openly talk about her daughter. I have found SIDS to be fantastic and it really helped both my husband and I to talk about our grief and know we weren't alone.

As for her relationship with your daughter, don't take it to heart. Understand that she is most likely reminded of what she has lost every time she sees your daughter. I don't think she should be made to hold your baby, rather let her come to you. We have a friend who gave birth to a boy 3 weeks after we would have been due. I found this very difficult and would cry every time I saw photos of him on Facebook. I finally saw him in person a month ago, and I did hold him but I had decided ahead of time that I would refuse it I didn't feel comfortable.

It is great that you care so much for your sister, so be there for her and listen. Let her tell you what kind of support she needs and don't try to 'decide' for her what she should be doing etc. The drinking and going out is probably an escape, but if you are seriously worried than you should ask her how she is coping etc. How do you think her husband is coping? Men often get overlooked in after the death of a baby.

Take care and I hope things work out for you and your sister.

you need to talk to your sister about her baby and how she is feeling...

my sister gave birth to my 2nd nephew the day after I had Katy at first it was so hard to want to hold him I met him when he was 2 weeks old, my sister handed Isaac to me and everyone left the room, I cried I smiled I laughed...and cried some more but that moment made me realise I can't punish those who are still here with what I had lost...

:hug::hug:

Oh, I am in tears! Your story sounds so similar to mine!
I lost my baby boy Noah in Feb 2006. My DH and I had been trying for him for 17 months. When I was 12 weeks pregnant with him, my sister announced that she and her DH were expecting their 3rd baby too and she was 6 weeks pregnant at the time. They didn't try for him, they were just lucky :)
I was so excited to be sharing my pregnancy with my sister! But, when I lost Noah, all of a sudden I went through a million different feelings about my sister still being pregnant. It was a really sad, dark and scary time for me.
My sister bought me a beautiful wood carving of a mum and a baby that form a heart shape. That meant the world to me. She acknowledged my baby. She understood my pain. She kept her distance when I needed her to, and got close to me when she knew I needed that. I know the remainder of her pregnany would have been difficult too. Because she knew she was having a boy, she also had the fear of something going wrong too.
My heart is seriously breaking for your sister. What she is doing is out of grief. I hope she gets the help she needs before she loses her marriage also. I would tell your parents. If it were me, I would want them to know I'm not coping. I am sure they would want to know also. I'm not sure what type of relationship your sister has with your parents, but I know I needed my mum so much... Through all my grief, I forgot she was grieving too... she lost a grandson, and she talks about Noah to me all the time.
I am sorry if what I have written makes no sense. Your story has really moved me :(
Please feel free to contact me on my email address in my profile if you ever need to talk.
:hug: