Kindergarten and ?Aspergers

My son is almost 5 and I am a little concerened with his emotional development. He is an extremely sensitive child and very empathetic. If someone takes something of his he bursts into tears instead of trying to get it back. He very rarely stands up for himself and takes everything literally. He worries alot about everything,eg. How his friend was going to get mail when he moved to another state (he was 2 at the time).

He is very bright and has a huge hunger for knowledge. Loves maths, computers and finding out about new things. He has an exceptional memory for all things and amazes people all the time with his language and memory skills. He would do anything for someone if they said he could be their friend but takes a while to warm to people (after 3 terms he still gets upset when I drop him at preschool however loves his other daycare which he has attended for 2 days a week since 5months old). He gets frightened very easily by stories people make up and certain noises (often covers his ears when certain characters come on tv).

He has had a few breath holding episodes but none in the last 12 months and has been on 3 orientation days at kindergarten and decided he doesn't like it. I had to drag him up the entrance and they pulled him from my arms. He said he had an alright time but doesn't like it and doesn't want to go back ever. When I picked him up he was holding the teachers hand while the other kids played. The next time he was sitting up the front with the teacher while the other kids were all on the floor.

We have Asperger's and autism in our family and I am wondering if these are tendencies I should be concerend about? Also I am concerened about him starting kinder next year. Does he sound like he's ready? I am concerened he is not emotionally mature enough to look after himself at school yet. Others opinions would be greatly appreciated.

Hi Sorka, it's been a long time :)

Usually children with Aspergers/ASD's struggle with empathy and often don't display any in my experience with children with these conditions. Our friends little boy's fave show is funniest home videos, but he doesn't *get* that when he sees a kid fall off the swing, that they could be hurt etc, he just thinks it's hillarious. If he sees something like that IRL, again he doesn't realise that they are hurt and has zero empathy for them.

Do you think that there could be other sensory issues that he may have? Or could he just be extremely shy? I do agree that he doesn't sound *ready* to start school yet based on what you have said he did at orientation, but then there are a lot of kids that are like that and then go on to have no problems at all once they start school for real and the few months between now and next february can make a lot of difference to his maturity. Have you had him formally assessed for anything to rule out something like aspergers etc? has his daycare ever noticed anything and thought enough of it to talk to you about it? The staff are trained to recognise any areas that need further investigation, so if they thought he was showing traits then they would have said something to you.

Hi Sorka,
I read your post with interest as well as empathy. Have you had your son assessed for any spectrum disorders? My daughter has displayed many of the same personality traits that you have described in your post, especially the sensitivity, exceptional memory skills, taking things literally and sensitivity to sounds etc. and it has been suggested many times by school psyches and teachers that she may have a whole variety of issues...hearing disorder, autism,aspergers, ADD and most recently that she may be gifted. Like your son she was always hanging out with the teacher and never seemed to mature past the stage of playing next to children and onto playing 'with' children. However, as time has gone by (she is 12 now) I have stopped trying to make her conform to the 'norm' and have chosen to just go with it. I love her for the way she is and choose not to label her.....or medicate her.
Anyway, this is a very long story of questioning myself as a mother which I wont go into as this would be 5 pages long.
I have homeschooled my daughter since 5th grade and it was the best thing I ever did as only I know how to reach her and switch her on. I'm not saying you should do this, I'm just saying you will know when it is time to step in. She is now just a happy kid, she gets all the socialisation she needs through more natural environments such as family and family friends.
Sorry, I went of tangent a bit.
My sister now has a 2 year old boy who has also displayed some of the same behaviours, and they have just completed the assessment program through which he was officially diagnosed as Autistic. Whilst I was determined to struggle on and just accept my daughter as she is, my sister chose to get help and it has also been the best thing she could have done, as now she has her son in a program to assist him and her in so many ways.
What is interesting about this is that my daughter has always perceived herself as 'different', and when my littel nephew was diagnosed with Autism she asked if maybe she had 'caught it too' and maybe that was what was 'wrong' with her. My heart broke as for the first time I thought that perhaps not assessing her was a mistake. Perhaps if i had assessed her when she was the age your son is now she may have been able to accept herself as she is, and maybe even understand herself more.
Well, I don't know if I am helping you at all by telling you this, but I thought I should in the hope that it might make you feel better knowing no matter what it is not neccesarily a bad thing to have a child with anxiety issues or autism disorders.
My daughter is a bright and very talented girl. She is computer mad and is currently in the top 5 finalists for the Young Australian Art awards (little brag opportunity there). I used to worry if she would ever find a place to fit in this world, but I dont worry about it anymore. Whilst her anxiety and self doubt still remain and is a constant challenge for me to help her with, she also knows she has many opportunities in life to be happy and successful. She is so full of love and acceptance of everyone. She has an incredibly strong sense of justice. I am so thankful to have her exactly the way she is and so glad I stepped in and took her out of the school environment when I did. I think things would have been very different if I had not.
I hope it all works out for you and your boy Sorka. It is so hard to deal with what you are dealing with as we need so much for our kids to be 'normal' and accepted by their peers. But in many cases it is not something they need themselves and forcing it onto them causes stress. If he is not ready for kinda, then dont send him. You will know when it is right.

He is definately extremely shy. Staff at his day care have mentioned this to me a few times. That is where his breath holding spells began. They know how to help him calm down as when he gets a little upset he seems unable to control it and takes a long time to calm down. I think this alone will cause him trouble at kindergarten. He is very clever when talking to adults and older kids but seems to dumb himself down when talking to kids his own age.

He has a lot of nightmares and fear about different things, including being by himself. He wakes a number of times at night because he is scared to be by himself and he wont go into his bedroom to get dressed even though we are only about 5 metres away - cries and yells he doesn't like to be by himself.

Maybe he is just extremly shy - but what do I do about it? Who do I go to for help? I honestly don't think he is emotionally ready for school (one day care teacher says send him and the other says wait) but my as my husband says - will another year make enough difference to justify keeping him back?

At that age a year makes a huge difference.
Most educators recommend that boys are held back a year when possible because they tend to develop later than girls.
I'm planning on keeping both my boys out of school until the year that they have to attend (you can check the dept of education for the legal age).

Thank you Auntiemum - our two do sound very similar. It is so hard when they dont fit in. It's not that I want him to be normal or anything - it's just that I hate seeing how hard it is for him and how uncomfortable it makes him to be put in these situations. Sounds like you have made the right choice for your daughter. I would love to be able to do the same for my son but financially it isn't viable for us.

He will be 5 at the end of october so he SHOULD be giong next year. But I have spoken to different people and found that if it is recommended by pre school/psychologist that it would be beneficial for him to be kept back than this would be an option. He would then go as a 6 year old (having turned 6 at the end of October 2009). Have others heard this? I hope this information is correct...

To me this is the best option for him - but I'm his mum so my opinion is probably a little biased. People are saying to me that I have to let him go some time. I'm not concerened with how I will cope though - it is my little man I am thinking of.

Hi Sorka,
Dachlostar is right, a year makes a huge difference at that age. I don't think you are biased because you are his mum, it is because you ARE his mum that you will know when he is ready. Don't send him if you don't have to just yet. But if and when you do talk to his teacher an see what suggestions they might have to help ease him into school. You may be able to attend school with him for a while.

If it is Aspergers or an autsim spectrum disorder I don't think waiting another year will necessarily help him and he will stand out as being so much older then the other children. Usually boys born in the last few months before the yearly cut off (31 July) get held back not one who is in the older end of the age range for that year's kinder as your son is.
I would be getting him assessed before school starts as then he may be entitled to an aid who will help him transition into school.
I know my POV comes as a teacher and not a mother but I hope it helps.