What do I do? Painful x-husband - care of DD

Am I a terrible mother or what? No, don't answer that ... here's the thing.

DD's father and I seperated when DD what nearly 4. I have always been strict on what she eats. Breast fed her, no tinned baby food, No McDonald's until we split and the x took her there.

When we split, we both moved back in with our own parents ... he is still there, 6 years later. He's just a real bum and he's 37 years old, and I hate the way that DD is (not) looked after when she goes there (3 out of 4 weekends and half of all the holidays).

She sits in front of the TV most of the time and they rarely do anything outside the house. She becomes really unmotivated and lazy, and no joke, if I measured the circumference of her belly, I am sure it would be bigger than mine.

I know that it's terrible for me to think that way, but I don't want her to end up like them. Her nana (who she spends most of her time with over there because her dad works most of the holidays and every saturday morning) is about 150kg, maybe more, no I am not exaggerating.

Obviously she has the genes in her to become overweight and it's a combination of nature and nurture. The 'nature' has given her the overweight gene and the 'nurture' over there doesn't help at all.

It also bothers me that she is 10 and she doesn't seem to care about how she looks. Not that I want her to be vein, but I just want her to care. And no, there's no point talking to them about it, I have done that many times, they don't think there's a problem. She's in the overweight category on the BMI (Body Mass Index) Charts, and they don't think that she's overweight - we'll she's not compared to her nana.

I don't know how to approach the subject with her. I don't want to hurt her feelings or self esteem, but I think she should be starting to take some responsibility for her own health and looks. Because she doesn't wash her hair or brush her teeth over there either. Yes I've mentioned it, and they blatently lie and tell me she does, when she herself tells me she doesn't. They didn't even have any shampoo in the house for the last 3 weeks, so I have bought some myself to give to her to take over next weekend.

DH and I go through this horrible rollar-coaster of emotions most Sundays when we pick her up, and every holidays, as that is when it is the worst. And then we get in a bad mood, but can't really discuss it with her as we don't know what to say.

Sorry for the huge winge, but I would love it if anyone out there has some advice ???

Really sorry to hear this... I think your concerns are basically for your DD well being. I guess its difficult when your XP and his mother dont see it as an issue..

Maybe you could try to get her into a sport... at least this way your XP would HAVE to take her on the weekend to play or training etc... Maybe swiming or netball or something. Maybe this way she may start to want to be fit and a bit more healthy.

Sorry not much help...

O the poor kid. Why don't you talk to the school and see if they can recommend a counselor for her. There is much going on for her and sadly it seems she mightn't think well enough about herself to care. Although I do remember both my DD and SDD got a bit slack on the hygiene at various times too, and they spend plenty of time in front of the mirror :rolleyes:. Actually, some girls tend to go through this before they hit puberty. I remember DD being horrifed ;) at the thought of getting boobies and pubic hair. I think she was trying not to grow up!

DDs school (although she was 12 or so when this happened) contacted me re a counselor for her after she started have a bad time after I lost a baby. It affected her far more then even I thought. One thing I have really learnt about kids is that you can NEVER, EVER guess what they are thinking. With the help of her counselor she was able to communicate her feelings about lots of things, and it fairly blew me away. Her thinking about stuff was soooo deep and she tended to blame herself for things that were way out of her control (marriage breakup etc).

DD might need a hand to get through a bit of uncertainty, sometimes mums can be too close to help iykwim?

xoxoxoxo

Jess - Thanks so much for replying. I tried this last year, it worked for one season of netball, but he won't take her this year, and she doesn't really want to go either. It seems as though she would rather sit in front of the tv???

I have got her into after school swimming 2 days a week, and she rides her bike a lot here, but it's just when she gets there, she stops. I think she appreciates the 'down time', but doesn't realise how it's affecting her.

Also, he lives 30 mins away, so she doesn't even have any friends to play with on the weekends. I think that would make a huge difference. Perhaps I will suggest that she takes a friend over on the Friday and has them sleep over for the weekend - that's what I did sometimes as I was in the same situation as a kid.


Lulu - Thanks for replying also. I think I will talk to the counciller at school, although that's a bit tricky because I am a teacher at DD's school, and I don't know if she would be hesitant opening up to her, thinking she might tell me what she has said. Worth a try though.

If not, I could try an external one.

Sorry to hear of your loss.

Take care girls, thanks :hug:

Is there another sport she might be interested in? I know our DD is about to start her fourth different activity this year! If she didn't like netball then dancing, karate, gymnastics?

No advice on the other stuff i'm afraid but everyone elses seems to be really good. Big :grouphug: and good luck :)

ok... So she doesnt want to play netball... What about something different. Look into different sports that might be interesting... Maybe you 2 could do something together... Yoga class... ice skating (we have a place local to me that BIl likes to go) Dancing or What bout a Wii game... I just got a Wii and a Wii Fit... my sore as after spending several hours playing yesterday... perhaps she could take this to His house and they could all play it... May help them loose some weight also...

This was she may see it as fun video game but its actually helping her be fit???

I guess she seeing it as she can get away with doing all the things you "make" her do at home... My BIL is just like that... His dad lets him get away with so many things his mum wouldnt let him get away with... Now there both paying for it... He tried to use one against the other... (not saying that will happen) i just have see what it is like to have both sides not agreeing in parenting issues...

Without your DD knowing owould your GP give you info about being healthy and fit that you could give to XP... Even if you say your GP is concerned she isnt staying active and eating right... ok it may be ok every now and then to have a few treats but if its a regular thing (like weekends) then maybe he'd listen if info came from a GP??? you wouldnt have to tell your DD... And tell him not to say anything to her as you dont want to upset her.. Might help him see that someone else apprt from you see's an issue???

Also i agree with the councelling... also...