how 2 help my daughter deal with the break up?

hi there, I havent been on these forums 4 a while so i feel bad coming here asking for advice. Im not sure where to post this question so I hope this is the right spot. ok, me and my fiance split up about 8 weeks ago, at first my daughter (she just turned 4) was suprisingly ok with everything. her dad came over every day after work (still does) and takes my daughter and son out, (mostly my daughter becuz my son is asleep) so she gets alone time with her dad, but the last 2 weeks or so she has been unbearable for me to control. She has really been testing her boundaries, swearing, screaming, kicking her brother. She has never been like this. Now when he leaves she screams hysterically and runs out the door after him, then she screams cuz she wants me, and then vise-versa. This goes on for about 30 mins. I tried to make him leave and just ignore it becuz we thought it would be less painful for her but the way she is we give in. I just dont know what 2 do anymore :( i hate seeing her go through this. Im wondering if its all just clicked into her that daddy really isnt moving back in, but i would love some advice if anyone has any! she has slept @ her dads house once, but becuz he moved into his parents 2 save sme cash, they made her sleep on floorboards the night and she is scared to go back. im so confused and i feel like the worst mum in the world :( sorry i didnt realise how long my post was!

I know she is only 4, but have you tried sitting with her and talking to her about it, like when her dad isn't there. You'd be surprised how much a 4 year old understands!

I don't know what else to say hun, hope it all calms down for you :comfort:

thanks 4 ur reply :) yeah i sat her down the day he left and explained to her that mummy and daddy werent married anymore (she understands from barbie that in love = married lol), and that daddy doesnt live here etc.... i dont know if i should tell her teachers at pre-school that we split, maybe they might have some way to help her also? thanks heaps :)

Perhaps you could get some books about children with separated parents , and then start talking about it through the story. Often when children can relate their situation to a story its easier to explore.

Absolutly tell her teachers at kindy .. they will be able to offer you support and also perhaps help her deal with her emotional wellbeing.

Hi hun, :hug: for you and DD.

This is a very tough time for both of you but know thast you will both get through it. I can say this speaking as a child who's parents divorced when I was 3 and a teacher of 5 year olds some of which have parents that are just going through a divorce.

Please tell your childs teachers. They will be able to help her get through this with you. I am sure they care a great deal about your DD as well adn will want to support you both.

It is good to talk about it and to get DD to understand that all families are different. We have just been talking about families at school and I always tell the kids in my class that my parents dont live together and that it is okay as I know they both still love me very much and I am extra lucky because I have two houses that I live at, two bedrooms, two Christmas's, etc and make it kind of special. I also tell the kids in my class about how some people live with their grandma and grandpa, or some people live with just their mum...but all families are different and special.

What I am trying to say (but ended up rambling) is that you need to make DD aware that it is not jsut her that this is happening to and that all families are different and the most important thing is both mummy and daddy love her to the moon and back again!

My parents never spoke and it was a messy divorce. they used to write letters to each other and go through many court battles. We never saw this as kids and my parents never said a bad word about each other to us kids. Mum made sure we would ring dad during the week to tell him about school and different things and we grew up quite normally.

My dad is now on his 3rd marriage (i am fromt he first) and I have 1 full sister, 1 half sister, 3 half brothers, 1 step sister, a step dad,a real dad, my real mum and my dad's wife (i feel i am too old to call her my step mum). People cant believe how bizarre my family is but it works and everyone in it is happy and very much loved.

You could try reading her some books about different family situations as well to help her.

I hope I have made sense. I would love to help you more if I can. jsut know that you both will be okay

:hug:

oh and tell your X husband that he needs to get your daughter a bed and it is not good enough for her to sleep on floor boards! She needs to feel at home with him (even if it is at her parents house). He could even get her her very own special doona cover with something that she loves on it (whether its dora, princess's, whatever she likes).

hun

firstly :hug:

I am a single mum of 3 one my eldest is 4 also...

Your DD behaviour is very common and i have and still am sometimes going through it.

I have sat down with my daughter and told her that mummy and daddy still love her very much but Daddy has gone to live with Nanna.
She does def like to push the boundries and tries to play us off against each other all the time. The worst is when I tell her off then all of a sudden she wants her daddy.

My 3 also still after 6mths get very upset when daddy leaves.. its a huge thing to then and i also found it also brought a few problems to me leaving them at child care of with a sitter, they automatically assumed i wasnt going to come back for a long time.

I also knew that my feelings towards exh were unfort projected onto them even though i never said anything bad about him, they picked up on the tense feeling.. so try and remain as calm as possible

and as others have said def tell her teachers/carers its very improtant they know


It is a hard time and the best advice i can offer you is lots of cuddles and hugs.. make her feel loved..

thank you so much 4 all your advice! i will tell her school this arvo when i pick her up. thismorning she got really upset, i ended up crying and had to leave, so i never got the chance. Yeah i think i will tell her dad that one of the rooms will need 2 get a bed in her for her and set it up with some blankets and toys for her, he hated that his parents made her sleep on the floor but doesnt know how to stand up to them which is hard. and yes i know what u mean about her playing us each off against each other, when we were together her dad would always be the yes man if i said no, which caused alot of fights, but now he is finally starting to say no which confuses her. I will sit her down again tonight and explain everything again the way u have all told me. Thanks so much :)

Good luck Renee. it sound slike you are being a wonderful mum to your little girl and she is very lucky to have you. :)