DSD's Mum - Should I Just Give Up?

Ahhhhh ... I think I'm going to be rambling here. I shall try to collect my thoughts.

Basically, I don't think DP's ex is a very good mum to their 15-year-old daughter who currently lives in the US with her mum. DSD lived with us here for 8 months and while she was not an angel, it was pretty plain sailing.

Since she returned to the US to live with her mum (15 months ago) things have gone to hell in a handbasket - truancy, drugs, staying out all night, drug-dealer boyfriend, stealing her mum's credit card and racking up $800 charges in one day. While I don't blame her mum for all this, I do think that she gets basics wrong. If I hadn't lived with DSD myself, I would think that DSD was a complete nightmare. But the thing is, she's not, she just needs a bit of love and attention.

Now we get all sorts of e-mails from her mum saying that she is going to have her assessed for a hormonal imbalance, learning disability etc. etc. and I read these and think "yep, that's fine BUT you fail to see that your behaviour has an effect on your daughter and you're completely unwilling to face the idea that maybe your parenting has any bearing whatsoever on this."

I could detail here what I think DSD's mum could do to help the situation, because I have spent a lot of time thinking about it, but my real question is, HOW can you possibly tell someone who you have a very fractious relationship with, who lives in another country, that here's some things that you could try. She will just think I'm trying to point score and she gets VERY defensive when DP mentions ways that possibly, perhaps, maybe she could do a little differently ... AND when it comes to this sort of stuff, he is VERY diplomatic.

I have thought about sending her a couple of books on adolescence because there is absolutely no point me writing to her. She won't listen - I've tried before several times and she just gets aggro.

Is there anything else you can think of or should I just accept this is one of those siutations that I can't influence? I do write to DSD and I have been able to exert influence to get her into counselling but at the moment, the way things are going, I'm not sure that's enough.

I guess I just feel helpless and I'm a very determined dog with a bone person and I don't like feeling helpless and feeling I'm not helping DSD.

Wow, Fiona, this is a tough one isn't it. Firstly, I just want to say Good on you for being 'ballsy' enough to want to help in what could be, a very messy situation. Sometimes I think, if I was doing a bad job with my dd, I would want someone to care enough to stand up and give me advice. Without it being preachy or rude kwim. But I don't think all people see it that way kwim?

You giving her mother advice could go so many different ways you know? Like, she might very well take it on board, she might be at the end of her tether and just think 'yep I'm going to give this a try' but then on the other hand, she might think that you don't know what your talking about because your DSD hasn't behaved like that around you? Quite often, I have found, people don't always appreciate the advice, especially when they still haven't taken responsiblity for the situation getting so out of control, partly because of their actions. However fiona, I guess, at the end of the day you just have to think, what's the worst than can happen? You obviously don't have a 'close' relationship with this woman, and your concerns, so it seems are purely for the sake of the child, or teenager sorry ( i know they hate to be called that lol) Your motivations are pure Fiona, and you ARE trying to help your DSD, so why not give it a go? I am sure you are able (from seeing your posts) to be diplomatic (for lack of a better word) enough, to be able to put it in words that aren't going to offend anyone. I think you need to stress to her mother that you have to work together, no matter what differences you have had in the past, to sort out the daughter. She's only young, and if she doesn't get help now, unfortuneatly it will only get worse, and she will ruin alot of chances in her life that come her way, and will end up regretting it later in life, and possibly even resenting people who didn't give her a wake up call. I know through the things I went through in life I would of loved people to stand up and help me, even though its completely different and I wasnt' doing the things she was doing, well I was but as a coping mechanism for the things that had happend to me. Hope you can sort things out for both you, your husband and your DSD's sake, because it really sounds like you love her as if she was one of your own, which is lovely to see. All to often you hear of the classic step parent/step child syndrome that is so totally strained and neither party could give two stuffs about the other kwim. Best of luck, let us know what you decide xoxo :hug:

My eldest used to live with his dad and well let's just say that it was with less than desirable behaviour. He has moved back with us and like you said he is no angel, but nothing like what his dad was saying either. He was apparently having constant run ins with him and his step mum (although that is a whole other issue with her treating him differently to her biological son).... which don't tend to happen here with us too much.

I tried many times to talk to his dad about it and how he felt about things there etc but was always met with excuses, reasons and throw the hands in the air it's all too hard... now this is my ex, not my ex's wife/gf etc. I'm sorry but I really don't think that she's going to listen to you anymore than my ex listened to me. I think that she will probably tell you where you can get off and that she's not your daughter etc etc etc. I personally would probably not go down that path. Keep your communication line open with your DSD though because in time she will remember what you did for her. I know I've probably not really helped you much sorry.

I don't think she'll listen mate, it doesn't seem like she has taken much responsibility for the situation at all so therefore whats the problem? Its SDD's fault!

You might have to close the book on this until SDD is under your roof. Bugger though.

Fiona as the other girls have said this is definetley a tough one, and i can understand your concern and wanting to help. I am with LuLu though i dont think she will listen. Maybe sending the books with a little note written from Dh saying just simply thought these might be worth a read, or something along those lines. Sorry wasn't much help.

If i was having trouble with DD and XP's new partner wrote me a bunch of suggestions and she only had a little kid i would be blind with fury. Not a rational reaction but probably the one you'll get.

If she's not willing to see the role she has in how her DD is then nothing you say is going to make much difference, kwim? And if she was the sort to wonder if it COULD be her behaviour that's making it worse, she'd have begun to sort it out already.

All of the DSD's behaviours smack to me of low self esteem and being desperate to be loved and fit in. If she got those traits from her upbringing and from her mum, there's going to be a very difficult gulf to breach - DSD NEEDS to spend more time with her mum and feel more loved and wanted there, but when mum has tried to get that to happen in any small way then through anger at how unloved she's been feeling DSD lashes out at her mum and refuses to spend time with her. Mum then feels unloved and unwanted and hopeless and stops trying, daughter gets MORE unloved-feeling. And so on.

Doubtless the situation as it has come to be is a product of the mum's parenting and personality, but DSD is 15 now, and can't be forced to do anything. It's hard to tell anyone who feels burnt by lack of love to be more loving and they'll reap rewards - unless DSD and her mother BOTH decide simultaneously that they need to take more interest in, spend more time with and show more love to one another, it's not going to happen - just one of them doing it would probably result in the other telling them to shove it and the first being horribly hurt and rejected.

I do think at 15 it's time for DSD to take some responsibility for the situation too - the dynamic between her and her mum is her responsibility too. They need to cut one another some slack, and be more open, but you don't know how much pain there is already stopping that happen. I know a few families where with even with quite young teenagers, there is so much pain there already the parents have pretty much given up.

Maybe DD's mum feels like no matter what she does she won't be good enough for DD, who is so desperate to come back to you and your DH. I would be in AGONY if DD felt that way about me, whatever had happened between us. And i can imagine that it would only take a little bravado and a lot of pain on both sides before the situation was (as it sounds like it is for your DSD) spiralling down. Being open about our feelings can be such a risk.

Perhaps you could suggest to both of them family therapy, to try to sort out the dynamics between them, but beyond that i'd just stay in touch and keep talking to them both as much as you do, and see how it goes. You don't want to further alienate EITHER of them.

Bx

Yay, yay, yay ... saga is almost over. DSD's mum agreed today that she can move back here for the rest of her schooling starting end-January.

Hey Fiona I didn't see this thread earlier but I just wanted to post to say that's fantastic news for your DSD because you and your DH sound like great influences for her! :hooray:

Are you still moving house to accommodate everyone?

YAY Fiona, that was going to be my suggestion!:dance:

Thanks girls.

Kaz - after much umming and ahhhing, I decided that we should stay here for the time being and do some renovations, some of which will need doing anyway if we do decide to move at a later stage because I wouldn't feel comfortable selling the house in its current state. So the To Do list (before end Jan eeek) is to:

1. FIx second bedroom so that we actually have a 3bedroom house again. Paint bedroom.
2. Move the kitchen ie. install a new kitchen in a different spot to current kitchen.
3. Carpet and paint the hallway.
4. Put storage (shelving, cupboards, drawers) into living area.
5. Have desk built into living area.
6. Put door between hallway and living area (no ordinary door mind you, I have set my heart on getting one that is upholstered and pin-tucked like in a recording studio and godammit I'm going to get it).

So ... a lot to do but nothing like a deadline!

My advice is stay out of it.
There is nothing worse than someone else telling you how to parent when your kids aren't heading where you want them.
It's not all the mothers fault, girls are horrible! I was and I would be horrified to think that ppl though it was my mums fault I was doing stupid things... cos it wasn't, she had no control over me! (I must admit I wasn't THAT bad but I was out drinking and partying at 16)
Hope and pray that DSD pulls her head in and grows up. I did :)