What is the right decision...

Hi everyone, I am hoping that you might be able to help me.

I want to know ? what do people think...is it best to encourage a father to be involved in their child's life when they don't really want to be, or just leave it alone, and when the child is old enough, allow them to contact the father ie. Don't force them, but don't stop them when they are old enough...what is best for the child?

I have been a single mum since I fell pregnant (unplanned for both of us), as the father said that he didn't want to be a dad, and basically said 'goodluck' and goodbye.

About after a year after my son was born, I decided it was time to contact him, and hoped that when he got to know him, he may feel differently. He sort of tried to get a connection with him, but after letting us down many times and lying, he in the end said some very hurtful things, and said, 'no I never wanted to be a dad, and no, I still don't. You decided to have the baby when I didn't want you to, so I would prefer you find someone else to be a dad for him, but I never wanted this'.

But I know that he will try to still be a part of his life...not as a dad but as perhaps a 'mate'. I don't feel comfortable with this, but I don't want my son to ever say that I stopped him from being a part of his life, if his dad tries to stay in contact with him.

I have many mixed emotions about his. He is not a 'bad' person as such, just can't handle any pressure or freaks out and takes off when his son has a tantrum, so naturally I think that this will devastate my son, when he gets to know him, and then the leaves because it's 'too hard'.

What do people think?

I REALLY am stuck with what to do...

I can't speak from personal experience but I would have thought it would be best to leave it alone until your child asks when he is a bit older. They are so emotionally fragile at this age and the constant rejection will really affect him. He does still need a strong male role model in his life though (eg. grandfather, uncle etc) but I think if that is the decision the father has made then leave it be. Your son will be a little bit older and a bit stronger so that if he gets rejected (very likely) he will still be hurt but hopefully less affected and you will be in a better position to talk him through it.

I agree with Kryssalys. Leave it for now and let the child decide later.

My dad left when I was a baby. When I was about 8 he decided he wanted to see me. (turned out to be once a year as we lived on different sides of the country)and occasionally he would call on the phone. B'days, hols etc. That was fine with me.

When I got to about 15 i realized he was not a real nice person. And i pretty much stopped contact for a few yrs. now we email about 2 or 3 times a yr and thats it. and we are both happy with that.

My mum never stopped me from contact with him, but she didnt encourage it either. I knew that she didnt get on with him but she never ran him down or talked about what went wrong between them either.

fortunately i got a wonderful stepdad when i was 7. and i see him as my real dad.

Dont know if my rambling makes sense or is helpful at all, but i hope it all goes ok for you and your boy.

Pfft to being a mate. He just wants all the good bits and to hand him back when he cries. Thats GRANDPARENTS rights......go with your gut.

IMHO - tell him you accept that he doesn't want to be a dad and there will be no further contact.

I did the same thing but for different reasons. Also because I wasn't going to do the hard yards and then have him step in to take all the glory when DD was 5 or something - bollocks to that, its all or nothing and nothing is better because you son will probably feel the rejection. And the guys an arse.

I waited until DD was 16 (this year), she did ask a few times about him and I told her she had to wait until now. It turned out really, really well. I met with him to establish he wasn't a SPAZ a few times, then they met too. We all have a great relationship, he appreciates NOW, what I did then and is very conscientious and reliable. He knows he has a second chance, and is grateful he can now take part in her life. I'm very happy with everything.

good luck xoxoxo

Thank you everyone, it helps to have peoples thoughts on it too.

To be honest, if i DO listen to my gut instinct, I dont want any more contact from him. I have notice that I am such an emotional reck when he is contact but I am such a happier person (and mum) when there is none. But I tried to put all of that aside, just in case they connected and he would 'step up' to being a Dad.

It is really nice to hear I am not the only one going though this, but it is also very disturbing that there are more men like this out there. I can't understand why they lie and try to make out that they care, and yet there actions speak so much louder than words.

X

My dad left us when I was 3, my older sister was 7 and my brother was 1. My mum encouraged my dad to see us. Each year we'd receive presents for our birthday and christmas, which we thought were lovely that Dad cared. Until I found out one day that it was actually mum doing it. My dad couldn't have cared less that we even existed, so my mum would buy us gifts 'from him'. When I was about 14 I wanted to meet him and get to know him. I even went and stayed with him for 6 weeks. It was the worse 6 weeks of my life, but I'm glad I did it now as I know what sort of man he is. My sister and brother have since learnt what he's like as well.

So if I was in your situation, I would wait until my kids are older, and ready to meet their dad.